Day 9

Today has been long. Not bad in any way, just tiring and full. I will say that I have a specific request for those of you who are praying for me. Husband should have either received the settlement papers outlining our divorce decree late today, or he should be picking them up tomorrow morning. I would ask that you pray for the condition of his heart and mind as he reviews the documents. It is my hope that he will find my requests both reasonable and as fair as anything can be at this point, and that he will fully agree by signing the papers as they stand. I truly spent time seeking wise counsel and praying about what would be best for my children, and I believe that's what is written in the decree. Now, let me move on to today's lesson.

LET NOTHING AND NO ONE ROB YOU OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
I'm finding it exceedingly difficult not to allow the rejection I feel from Husband to color every other part of my being. I have never been a person who was overconfident, but I also didn't make a habit of second guessing myself. I was passionate about many things in life, such as understanding people and pointing them toward Jesus, as well as music, theater, a good dessert, and the written word to name a few. I was trusting, and I tried to see people for their potential and their best attributes as opposed to focusing on their shortcomings. Though I felt I had endured a fair amount of suffering, and that I was maturing spiritually, I realize now that I clung tightly to my childlike faith and hope for the future. I believed that love never fails, and that heroes- most likely without uniforms or "superpowers"- truly do walk among us and save the damsels in distress. And most of all, I believed in marriage and family as being a bedrock of the Christian faith and an example of Christ's love and relationship with His church.

Can you imagine me still believing any of these things at this point in my life? I have certainly questioned them, and I have even tried to change some of my "weaker" characteristics that may have contributed to my current debacle. However, when meeting with my counselor today, I came to a shocking revelation. I can't change who I am. God made me this way, and He intends to use this trusting, idealistic, passionate heart of mine to bring blessings to others.

My counselor stated at one point that I still love Husband. I opened my mouth to retort, "I do not!" But then I fell silent. I knew she was right. And it made me furious. Am I in love with him like I was when I believed we were happily married? Nope. Do I admire him the way I did once upon a time? Definitely not. Do I even wish that things would turn around and we would again have a future together? Not anymore. But, much as I'd like to think I shared this ability with him, I cannot flip a switch and turn off the love. Angry and hurt as I am, those are probably signs of the fact that I still care. And I wished this morning that I didn't. Being so loving and concerned about his welfare is what led me to live with a man who didn't love me and deny his unfaithfulness to myself for years. So these qualities do me no good, and I need to just allow myself to feel as damaged and jaded as I really am at this point, right?

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our heart at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. " 1 John 3:19-20
--Certainly, there are characteristics about me that are ungodly or need o be changed. And I should always be open to letting God refine me in the way He sees fit. But at moments like I had today, I have to look to God and remember that He made my heart this tender and this open in order that He might love through me. So I need to stop criticizing myself for the things that God loves and wishes to cultivate in me.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Psalm 103:2-5
--My God wants to pull my out of my pit of self-pity, crown me, satisfy me and renew me to do good works. He can't do any of these things if I don't acknowledge the fact that the very characteristics I get frustrated with in myself are benefits He gave me to make me holy. I pray that He will help my love and compassion for others to grow through this experience so that it will never go to waste.