Day 5

Something about making it to day 5 without being struck by lightning or falling into a deep depression is encouraging. I realize that there are still 35 days to go in this project, and that it's likely to take my entire lifetime to truly understand forgiveness in the biblical sense. Still- today was fairly restful, for both body and soul, and for that I am extremely thankful. Today's lesson is, like many are, easy to say but a pain to live on a day-to-day basis.

DON'T GET STUCK.
It's hard to explain it better than u2 sings it, so pull out your zippos while I remind you of the song. "You've got to get yourself together. You got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. Now you're stuck in a moment..."

At times like the one I'm facing right now, you really have to take things not only day by day, but often hour by hour. I'm sure most of you know that when you're in the grieving process, hearing, seeing or smelling even one tiny thing that reminds you of the life or the person that you lost can tear into your heart before you even notice it's happening.

One of my breakdown moments came today as I made an appointment to go turn in more paperwork to the lawyer's office tomorrow. It's not like I should be surprised at this point that we are drawing nearer to the end of the legal process, but something about looking at the rules for the rest of your life laid out on paper just overwhelms me every time. And I start to look back. I start to wonder how we got here. I start to try to figure out where it all went wrong, or if it was ever really right. And I get stuck. I could live in this loop of never ending questions and possible regrets forever.

But- goodness knows that if there is a moment in my life I want to dwell on for any length of time, it's not that one. It would be much easier to allow myself to get sucked into the black hole of loneliness and uncertainty, though; and I was running low on energy to fight the pull. So I prayed. And God answered. As He always does. Here's what He showed me:

(If you have your bible handy, read Lk. 10:38-42 before you continue.)
"Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Only one thing is important. Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her."
Luke 10:41-42
--Maybe you're wondering what this story has to do with the first part of my post, but God used it today to so clearly illustrate to me our tendency to get stuck expending all our time and energy on things that we have little or no control over, and ultimately aren't that important. The thing that Mary chose to do in the story was to drop everything else and sit at Jesus's feet just to listen and spend time with Him. Jesus said that time, that moment in His presence, would NEVER be taken away from her. So, when I'm sinking in a sea of "what-if's," I need to stop everything else and just get at the feet of my master. That, if you ask me, is the kind of moment worth hanging on to forever.

"When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble, and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others." Phil. 2:3-4
--Every time that I allow myself to focus on the way my pride has been hurt, or how unfair this life is, I miss the opportunity to work on forgiving those who have wronged me. I am not the only one in the picture here. Each of my selfish moments can easily lead me to the false belief that I am somehow superior or more deserving than those who have caused this hurt, when the truth is that they are as much in need of God's grace as I am.