Day 15

Today has been pretty painful. No big changes or anything that should have pushed me over the edge, I have just really felt everything today. Coming home after a fun, busy weekend to an afternoon at a baby shower for an old friend should have been an enjoyable Sunday afternoon. Instead, though overjoyed for my precious friend and her happiness, I was sinking inside. I watched her open the gifts and heard the ladies talk about the fun and anticipation of a new baby, and it made me remember that I once had all that. My adorable children couldn't possibly make me happier than they do today, but it is still evident that the life I thought I had with my family has come to an end. Coming home after the shower to see my house devoid of the last few things Husband came to claim, and looking at his house key and wedding band left on the kitchen counter wasn't fun either. It hurt. That pain is the source of today's lesson.

STOP PUTTING BAND-AIDS ON BULLET HOLES.
I've already told you that I'm a fighter, and another of my characteristics in troubled times is that I am a fixer. This means that when things are going all wrong and the world around me is chaos, I work overtime to find a solution and I commit to doing whatever it takes to reach that solution. In my current situation, this can be more of a weakness than a strength. The truth is that I am hemorrhaging right now, and for that there is no easy fix. I keep finding myself trying to cheer up by eating chocolate, laughing with friends or keeping my schedule filled with activities that distract me from the loneliness. There is nothing wrong with doing these things, but I'm going to have to admit these things only really have the potential to heal paper cuts and skinned knees. And I'm covered in bullet holes.

Though my precious family and friends have been well schooled in first aid for my heart, none of them know how to do the extensive surgery it would take to save me now. So, it is time to cry out to my maker and allow Him to put me back together. It may involve more cutting and prying at first, and it is guaranteed to require a long recovery. But, the truth of the matter is that it's my only choice. It's time to consent to the surgery and realize I'm powerless to stop my own bleeding. These verses help remind us how those in the bible allowed their all-knowing God to first hear their pain, and then to heal it. I plan to spend some time meditating on them tonight.

"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. " Psalm 72:12

"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea. Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord: "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death." Psalm 102:17-20