Day 20

Today marks the half-way point of this 40 day journey, and it's interesting to note that I had moments today when I felt just as angry, lonely, or glum as I did on day one. The good news, though, is that I can also see some progress. The waves of emotion and memory that come and knock me over are becoming fewer and farther between. God is using this experience to mold me in to something new, and I am beginning to recognize His handiwork on my heart. Today's lesson stems from these thoughts.

KNOWING WHAT COMES NEXT WOULDN'T MAKE IT EASIER
I am a person who enjoys happy endings. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel, and I always try to find encouraging words for those facing trials in their lives. I do believe, like it says in Hebrews 11, "that God rewards those who honestly seek Him." But I'm tired of waiting for the reward. I so desperately want to hit the fast-forward button and skip past this rebuilding stage in my life. I, at the very least, wish someone would show me the blueprints. I trust that God has a plan for me, and I know that my future will give me the opportunity to somehow enjoy the fruits of this labor I'm doing alongside my savior today.

The hard part is in the waiting. It's in the not knowing. It's in the uncertainty, and the muddy waters that are drowning my dreams just won't become clear soon enough. I'm in the middle of the tunnel, and I can't even see the light yet. I want to trust that it is there, but I really just need to see it with my own eyes so I can keep moving forward. But that's not how God works. The truth is that even if He showed me a glimpse of the prize that I'm so desperately hoping for, I'd still have a million miles to go before I reached it.

Seeing the finish line doesn't make the marathon any shorter, and nothing can make us run it any faster than we are able. But the journey makes us tired. And the road seems to stretch on endlessly before us. And we start to think that if we can't see the finish, we might as well quit now. It's not that we don't have faith that those who finish the race will get their medals; it's just that we instead begin to wonder how much that medal is worth. We want to weigh the pro's and con's of finishing the race. It may be more feasible to stop now, while we can still walk, instead of pushing ourselves to the limit only to be dragged across the line battered and bruised. We've worked up a good sweat, we've burned tons of calories, and we've already accomplished more than most people ever do. So what's the harm in taking a break? How will it hurt us to sit and rest awhile when the race isn't over?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
--It is important for us to remember that God owes us no explanation. He doesn't always show us the ending to our story, because we would be completely unable to understand it. This is where the idea of trust becomes a necessity. We can't keep running if we stop to demand answers.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
--Why do we keep running this race? Because we are surrounded by those who love and pray for us, and they are able to testify that God's plan is worth the pain. How do we keep running the race? Get rid of the thoughts that get in the way, push the sin out of our lives, and look to Jesus to find our strength.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
--No, we are not supposed to be happy about the trials we face, but we are supposed to find joy in the fact that we're learning to persevere. That's the only way to survive in a fallen world. It takes perseverance to finish the race, and the harder the race, the more we are able to acquire that perseverance. No one said this would be easy, but I know it will be worthwhile.

Day 19

Today's lesson was hard to find. To be completely honest, I think I've been running from my problems, and therefore, also from any progress since I woke up this morning. There is quite a bit going on in the next few days, so it's been easy to let my focus drift toward that and miss the opportunity to let God teach me. The most ironic part is that be more I run, the less distance I cover. This thought pattern led me to the story of the prodigal son. Read it again with me in Luke 15:11-32.

WE ALL NEED GRACE
It is so easy in the position that I am in to look at Husband with harsh judgement. No matter what mistakes I made in our marriage relationship, he did far worse to me. No matter how many times I said I was sorry for failing him, I have yet to hear a sincere apology from his lips. He deserves to feel the pain he has caused others. He deserves to pay for his mistakes every day for a very long time. He deserves whatever guilt comes his way as a result of the chaos he brought in to our lives. He deserves to end up alone, with out the companion he put before his vows and his children. But I can't ask God to give him what he deserves.

I need God's grace, too. And the best definition I've ever heard for grace is getting what we don't deserve. I am a sinner. I deserve to be punished for my sins. The wages of sin is death, according to the bible. So I deserve to die for the lie I told yesterday, the gossip I spread in high school, or the way I so often put worldly things above the one true God. I deserve hell. Eternal separation from my maker and the lover of my soul. I have disgraced His holy name, and there is no reason I should be saved. No reason but grace.

And I beg for that grace on a daily basis. God's grace sent Jesus to live on earth and die on the cross to pay for my sins. AND- to pay for husband's. The same blood that covers me and washed me clean covers husband and his filthy pile of wrongs that have now become public. I should be praying for the day that he, the lost son, will go running home into the arms of his loving father. I should be asking God to have mercy on him as he continues to run away from God just the same way I did by spending my time on fruitless tasks just to get myself through another day.

"While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt sorry for his son. So the father ran to him and hugged and kissed him. The son said, 'Father, I have sinned against God and have done wrong to you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'" Luke 15:20-21
--None of us are worthy, but God still has mercy on each one of his children. Humbling ourselves is an important step toward receiving the grace our Father gives. I will pray that Husband will do this very thing.

"My son was dead, but now he is alive again! He was lost, but now he is found!" Luke 15:24
--Are the people we're working to forgive lost? Are they so spiritually dead that they no longer even realize how far they have fallen? Shouldn't we, then, learn to pray that they will once again be found and become alive in the Lord? I know it's hard, but I want this for every person on earth, so that must include my offender. Help me, Jesus, to find a way to pray for Husband with a sincere heart so that he may see the truth and receive your love.

Day 18

Today was a good day at work. Our students had their fall parties, and it's always fun to see the excitement on their faces when it's party day. I am feeling a little discouraged on another front, though. The court date to finalize the divorce had been set for this Friday, but the judge had a death in the family. The lawyer's office called me Monday to tell me we'd have to reschedule, hopefully for sometime next week. And since then I have heard nothing. I'm starting to think it's unlikely that I will even get on the calendar for next week, and I want to get this part over with. I know that the day the divorce is final probably means very little as far as the amount of healing a person has done, but I will just feel better when I'm no longer in limbo. So please pray for a date to open soon, and for God's timing to be perfect as it always has been before. On to our lesson, which is almost a continuation of the one we had yesterday.

TAKE IN THE TREASURE
I can tell that this is a common practice among those who leave encouraging comments on this blog, and God uses their discipline to help others in such a tangible way. After we rid our hearts and minds of the pollution caused by anger and resentment, we have plenty of space left to fill with things that can encourage us. Learning and memorizing scripture is one of the most rewarding spiritual disciplines that has ever existed. Once we hide God's word in our hearts, He is able to bring it back to us through memory at the exact time we need it. I must confess that in recent months and years, I have not exerted as much effort in this area as I used to. And I can truly tell a difference now that I am in the midst of this spiritual warfare. So I am committing to rededicate myself in the area of memorizing new verses that I can recall in my times of need.

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:1-6

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11

Day 17

First of all, let me say that I am so thankful that God planted the idea for this blog in my heart a few weeks ago. It has helped me to face my issues head on instead of avoiding them in hopes that they will fix themselves. I can also see that by God's grace, it is spreading around and touching the lives of others who also struggle with the need to forgive someone who has done damage to their hearts and lives. I ask all of the prayer warriors following me through this journey to please continue to lift up all the others who are reading this and hoping to learn their own valuable lessons from Christ. I am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life, so thank you for your continued support. Now, on to our daily lesson.

TAKE OUT THE TRASH
A couple of years ago, Husband and I went through months of marital counseling. I learned several valuable skills there, but one exercise in particular has proven to be beneficial to me every time I do it. She advised us to each get a sheet of paper and at the top write, "I am angry with _________ because..." Then, you just fill up the paper with as many things as you can think of that make you angry with him or her. You can include the little things, like leaving his socks on the floor, and also the real issues like being unfaithful to your marriage vows. I also believe that this doesn't have to be done within a marriage relationship because it will work just as well to insert the name of a friend, relative, co-worker, etc. So- grab a pen and paper and just spill it. Get it all out, until you can't think of one other thing that's bothering you.

The next step is key. Read your list to God, and let Him see your hurt and bitterness. Then, ask Him to take these thoughts from you and replace them with healthy ones. Do NOT show this paper to any other human being. Especially not the person you are angry with. Remember that our goal here is to eventually find forgiveness, and throwing a person's mistakes in their face is not a step in the right direction. And do NOT keep it. Don't file this junk away in a box that you'll keep forever. Don't write it in your pretty prayer journal where you'll accidentally flip to it during bible study or church. Don't frame it and hang it on your wall as a reminder of all the reasons you have to cut this person out of your life forever.

Instead, treat it like the trash that it is. Tear it into tiny pieces and throw it in the garbage can. Or go to a safe place, light one corner of the paper on fire, and watch it burn with the heat from your wounded pride. You get the idea. Destroy these thoughts before they destroy you. If you need to make a new list every day until the day comes when you feel like you're past the anger, then do it. If we keep these thoughts in our heads, these feelings in our hearts, and these regrets in our souls, soon we have let ourselves be filled with trash. And then there's no room for treasure. Anger is like the root of a fruit bearing plant. Everything that grows up from that root, pretty or not, will leave a bitter taste in the mouth of anyone who samples it.

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:43-45
--The simple fact is that if we let our anger and resentment fester in our hearts, it will eventually come out in our words and actions. Others will see what is really happening inside us, no matter how hard we try to appear differently.

"You're familiar with the command to the ancients, 'Do not murder.' I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill." Matt. 5:21-22
--Getting things out of my head by writing it down and sharing it only with God prevents me from sinning later by spewing my hateful thoughts to other people or to the offender himself.

Day 16

Well, tonight I'm just plain tired. I saw my counselor this morning and attended my weekly Divorce Care meeting tonight, so I've already done too much talking about myself and the progress God is making in me. So let's get down to business.

FIND HIS SHADOW
Multiple times throughout scripture, we are told that we can rest in the shadow of God's wings. He is our hiding place. He is our strong tower. This is easy to forget in times of turmoil and heartache. I find it interesting that the times when I am the most worn out from the trials of this life, and when I've grown the most weary in doing good also happen to be the times when I have such a hard time recalling these verses and claiming them for myself.

Taking a pill and going to bed doesn't provide the rest we need deep in our souls. Having a day at the spa filled with massages and beauty treatments can't renew our minds. Sitting down with a good book or favorite comfort food can't provide the true solace we so desperately seek. Only God can, so it's time to start allowing Him to do just that.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." Psalm 57:1

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-2

Day 15

Today has been pretty painful. No big changes or anything that should have pushed me over the edge, I have just really felt everything today. Coming home after a fun, busy weekend to an afternoon at a baby shower for an old friend should have been an enjoyable Sunday afternoon. Instead, though overjoyed for my precious friend and her happiness, I was sinking inside. I watched her open the gifts and heard the ladies talk about the fun and anticipation of a new baby, and it made me remember that I once had all that. My adorable children couldn't possibly make me happier than they do today, but it is still evident that the life I thought I had with my family has come to an end. Coming home after the shower to see my house devoid of the last few things Husband came to claim, and looking at his house key and wedding band left on the kitchen counter wasn't fun either. It hurt. That pain is the source of today's lesson.

STOP PUTTING BAND-AIDS ON BULLET HOLES.
I've already told you that I'm a fighter, and another of my characteristics in troubled times is that I am a fixer. This means that when things are going all wrong and the world around me is chaos, I work overtime to find a solution and I commit to doing whatever it takes to reach that solution. In my current situation, this can be more of a weakness than a strength. The truth is that I am hemorrhaging right now, and for that there is no easy fix. I keep finding myself trying to cheer up by eating chocolate, laughing with friends or keeping my schedule filled with activities that distract me from the loneliness. There is nothing wrong with doing these things, but I'm going to have to admit these things only really have the potential to heal paper cuts and skinned knees. And I'm covered in bullet holes.

Though my precious family and friends have been well schooled in first aid for my heart, none of them know how to do the extensive surgery it would take to save me now. So, it is time to cry out to my maker and allow Him to put me back together. It may involve more cutting and prying at first, and it is guaranteed to require a long recovery. But, the truth of the matter is that it's my only choice. It's time to consent to the surgery and realize I'm powerless to stop my own bleeding. These verses help remind us how those in the bible allowed their all-knowing God to first hear their pain, and then to heal it. I plan to spend some time meditating on them tonight.

"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. " Psalm 72:12

"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea. Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord: "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death." Psalm 102:17-20

Day 14

My post may be a bit shorter today, because I am relishing the opportunity to get out of town and visit friends who are more like family. It is extremely nice to get away from the madness of my situation, the house we used to live in as a family, and the mounting pressure I've been feeling to figure out how to live life on my own. Today's lesson came up as a result of a conversation we all had about the current state of my life and marriage.

SEE YOUR OWN SIN
I think that in times like these, even our best attempts to focus on forgiving others present us with the temptation to believe that we are almost completely without fault. It is easy for me to say that I was not the perfect wife, but that I truly believe I did the best I could to do what I knew to save my marriage. I'm not the one who went out and found someone else to ease my pain or give my attention to. I'm not the one who lied, and cheated and stole years of my spouse's life away by putting up a facade of peace.

But, I am also not a person who stays every day on the narrow path to holiness. I am also not a person who runs first and foremost to God each time I'm feeling overwhelmed or angry. I do make mistakes, and I do have my own "pet sins" in my life that are all the more tempting now that my marriage has failed.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Luke 6:41-4
--How easy it is to fall into the trap of hypocrisy when we are working on forgiving those who have hurt us. If we are not careful, we can become so wrapped up in trying to pray and help others out of their sinful patterns that we completely overlook our own shortcomings. It is a difficult but worthwhile task to begin each day by asking God to help you see the plank in your eye and remove it before moving on to helping others.

"Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Your loving kindness is before my eyes, And I have walked in Your truth." Psalm 26:2-3
--We are trying to claim the truth of God's words about forgiveness and the rewards we receive for doing right. We then need to also take note of the truthful words God gives us pertaining to the condition of our hearts. He knows us, inside and out; and He examines our motives on a daily basis. Please, God, help me to see my own wrongs, ask your forgiveness, and turn from my wicked ways in order that I might please you more.

Day 13

For all of you who have been praying for Husband to sign the papers with no complications, thank you! They were turned in today, complete and unchanged, and it feels as if a boulder of anxiety has been lifted off my back. Also, today marks the start of a weekend with good friends, and I can't wait to spend some quality time with them. Let me get to the lesson, which will take me all weekend, probably the remainder of the 40 days, and maybe the remainder of my life, to digest.

IT SHOULDN'T MATTER IF THEY'RE SORRY.
Yesterday carried, among other things, the first version of a meager apology from Husband. Knowing it was the day he had to sign us away legally probably really was hard on him. But, the words I got from him (via e-mail) still seemed shallow and insincere from my perspective. I want him to really feel the pain that he has caused so many people. I want him to take real responsibility for his actions, repent of his sins, and get his life right with God. I want him to miss me and love his children, and realize that he will never have such blessings again. I can want these things until I'm blue in the face, but I ultimately have no control over his feelings or actions. I can even pray that God would break his heart and show him the error of his ways, but God sees the big picture while I'm stuck here in the middle of the desert. It's not wrong to want these things to happen, but it is wrong to wait for them to.

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:25
--Do you ever pray or ask God for anything? I do. But, before the Lord can forgive my sins and hear my requests, Jesus says I have to forgive everyone I have anything against. He doesn't say to only forgive those who have asked for forgiveness. The forgiveness we read about here isn't even for or about the person who has done wrong. It's about us, having a right relationship with God in order to receive His abundant blessings.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Col. 3:12-15
-- Aren't there some "crimes" against us that are simply too big to forgive? Doesn't a just God believe that when someone crosses the line to a certain extent, forgiveness need not be granted? Not according to Colossians. This tells us to forgive whatever grievances we have, but it also tells of the reward we receive from doing this. Christ has a peace that is beyond our understanding, and it can rule our hearts once we rid them of the toxic hate and judgement we've been hiding there.

"When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him." Luke 23:33-35
--The Bible refers multiple times to forgiving as the Lord forgave us. These verses show us how deep that forgiveness was. Had the people who hung Jesus on that cross said they were sorry? Had they asked for His forgiveness and admitted their wrongs? No. Jesus said that they had not yet even realized what they were really doing. They were sneering, and hurling insults at the Son of God as he hung there dying an excruciating death, and He was asking for their forgiveness. I'd say that's a pretty good picture of what is being asked of us, and just like Jesus, we will need the power and the heart of God inside of us to ever really get there.

Day 12

TRUST WHAT YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU FEEL
Did you notice I skipped straight to the lesson today? It's been one of those days, so God has been whispering this in my ear since I rolled out of bed this morning. I am an emotional person. I'm passionate about the people and things I care about, and I often want to let my feelings guide me through my life. As I said a couple of days ago, I don't believe that God wants me to discount that entirely. He made me with these inclinations that can help me to find compassion for those who need it, but that doesn't mean I can afford to follow my feelings when they may sometimes lead me farther away from God's plan to protect and prosper me.

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecc. 8:5-6
--These verses remind me that the more I practice obedience to the Lord, the better my heart will know how to make the most difficult decisions. I can't let my doubt and fear get the best of me when I know I'm walking in the center of God's will.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
--When decisions need to be made, when life calls to be lived, when we face heat and drought and worry, confidence in God always sustains us. I want my life and my actions to bear fruit that points others toward Christ, and according to this verse, I just have to trust God even when I don't feel like it.

Day 11

Well, my day began with me feeling sick at my stomach about the fact that Husband had received the decree papers, and I couldn't help but worry how he would respond. And the day ended- well at least my work day ended- with sweet baby Son almost breaking his nose in a fall. Doctor said he cracked the cartilage, and it should heal without any major problems. However, in between the beginning and the end was today's lesson.

ASK FOR PRAYER
I have spent much of my life asking those I love to pray for me about things that seem quite trivial now. I realize that no prayer- or prayer request- is too small, but I also know that sometimes it's much harder to be open and raw enough to ask people to pray for the real stuff. You know, the deep down either, "God can not or will not answer this," or, "Christians aren't supposed to have this kind of problem" prayers. I am completely guilty of wanting to keep those things to myself, and justifying my desire by assuming I can pray about it enough alone.

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matt. 18:19-20
--Jesus explained the importance of praying WITH each other and FOR each other during His life on earth. Who am I to think that this advice should be taken lightly or should only apply to the prayers I'm not embarrassed to ask for? Isn't this just part of having a growing relationship with Christ? We must humble ourselves enough to know that our focus should be much less on independence and much more on God-dependence. Depending on God sometimes requires us to depend on His followers to help pray us through the most difficult trials in our lives.

"After they had prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. They were filled with the Holy Spirit, and they spoke God's word without fear." Acts 4:31
--God does powerful things when a group of people pray. I experienced this first-hand two years ago when Daughter was facing some disturbing health problems. One test after another came back inconclusive, specialists were baffled, and we were trying to prepare for the worst. We started begging people to pray for her precious little body, and I saw my two year old go from sick to healthy right before my eyes with no explanation. Well, we all knew the explanation must have been that God heard all those prayers. My children have since been healthy and safe, and I thank God every day for the work I know He did in that situation.
--Now, as I have finally been open about my marital struggles, my legal battles, and my utter inability to seek forgiveness alone, I can see God shaking things again. So far, the paperwork that Husband received yesterday is looking reasonable to him, so I ask you all to keep praying for his signature on those dotted lines. And, though this process has already been more challenging than I could have imagined, I know that God is changing my heart with the help of your prayers. So let's keep lifting each other up, and let's all strive to utilize the faithful prayer warriors we have in our lives by being honest with them.

Day 10

I'm getting started early today because Daughter is at preschool this morning. Just to update everyone, I spoke with the legal secretary this morning, and she said they hadn't yet called Husband to go get the papers. That will happen today, and if he gets them signed and returned quickly the divorce should be final by the end of this month. Wouldn't it be great if the day I walked in to court to finalize things, they offered to erase my memory before I left. That way, it would be like the marriage never happened, and the pain would be gone along with the memories. Since I don't personally know the character on Heroes who can take memories right out of people's head, or anyone who has one of those tools they used on the Men in Black movies, I guess I'll have to find another way to deal with the past. Today's lesson came by way of my dear friend right after Husband moved out of the house.

CHANGE THE CHANNEL
No, I'm not talking about watching different TV shows while working on forgiveness, though some of us may be called to do such things. One of the biggest hardships I've had since finding out about the affair is reigning in my thoughts when they start to go off course. I have gotten better at this, and I believe that time certainly helps with this dilemma. But, when I lay my head down on my pillow at night or try to have some relaxing quiet time during the day, the movie clips always start in my head. I will suddenly start remembering moments in my marriage where things were not as they seemed.

The other day, for example, I crawled into bed in a good mood after a fairly uneventful day. The minute I closed my eyes, my memory flashed to New Year's Eve of last year. Husband got a phone call around 11:00 pm saying he had to go deal with a problem at work, so he went and did that while I stayed at the party by myself. He obviously wasn't working, but instead ringing in the New Year and sharing a midnight kiss with her.

That was just one of the many pictures that come to mind when I don't even realize I'm thinking about him. I know that thinking about these things does nothing but get me wound up and angry, but it is truly difficult to stop the memories once they start flooding in. So, one thing I've committed to do for several weeks now, is to change the channel in my mind when these images jump out at me.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. " Phil. 4:8
--If we first memorize this verse, then we will be able to remember what we should be thinking about when life gets overwhelming. I try to immediately recall this verse when the movies begin in my head. Then, I concentrate on doing what it says. I think about what I know to be true about God's grace and the ways He's always provided for me in my life. I think about people in my life or in the Bible who I consider to have lived noble lives, and I challenge myself to develop some of their characteristics in myself. Once I get to "whatever is right," the Holy Spirit tends to remind me that forgiving others- no matter how hurtful their offense- is right. You get the picture. By the time I go through the things in this verse, my mind is almost always lifted back to a more peaceful place.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor.10:5
--I have to tell you honestly that I am really bad at this. Between my ADD and my overactive imagination, there are many thoughts that creep in to my mind before I even realize they exist. So, I ask God to help me. About 100 times a day, I find myself saying to God, "Take that thought captive, please Lord." I don't claim to have this under control, but I can tell you that I'm working on it. And every time that my true view of Jesus triumphs over my distorted view of past and pain, I know that God has been victorious.

Day 9

Today has been long. Not bad in any way, just tiring and full. I will say that I have a specific request for those of you who are praying for me. Husband should have either received the settlement papers outlining our divorce decree late today, or he should be picking them up tomorrow morning. I would ask that you pray for the condition of his heart and mind as he reviews the documents. It is my hope that he will find my requests both reasonable and as fair as anything can be at this point, and that he will fully agree by signing the papers as they stand. I truly spent time seeking wise counsel and praying about what would be best for my children, and I believe that's what is written in the decree. Now, let me move on to today's lesson.

LET NOTHING AND NO ONE ROB YOU OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
I'm finding it exceedingly difficult not to allow the rejection I feel from Husband to color every other part of my being. I have never been a person who was overconfident, but I also didn't make a habit of second guessing myself. I was passionate about many things in life, such as understanding people and pointing them toward Jesus, as well as music, theater, a good dessert, and the written word to name a few. I was trusting, and I tried to see people for their potential and their best attributes as opposed to focusing on their shortcomings. Though I felt I had endured a fair amount of suffering, and that I was maturing spiritually, I realize now that I clung tightly to my childlike faith and hope for the future. I believed that love never fails, and that heroes- most likely without uniforms or "superpowers"- truly do walk among us and save the damsels in distress. And most of all, I believed in marriage and family as being a bedrock of the Christian faith and an example of Christ's love and relationship with His church.

Can you imagine me still believing any of these things at this point in my life? I have certainly questioned them, and I have even tried to change some of my "weaker" characteristics that may have contributed to my current debacle. However, when meeting with my counselor today, I came to a shocking revelation. I can't change who I am. God made me this way, and He intends to use this trusting, idealistic, passionate heart of mine to bring blessings to others.

My counselor stated at one point that I still love Husband. I opened my mouth to retort, "I do not!" But then I fell silent. I knew she was right. And it made me furious. Am I in love with him like I was when I believed we were happily married? Nope. Do I admire him the way I did once upon a time? Definitely not. Do I even wish that things would turn around and we would again have a future together? Not anymore. But, much as I'd like to think I shared this ability with him, I cannot flip a switch and turn off the love. Angry and hurt as I am, those are probably signs of the fact that I still care. And I wished this morning that I didn't. Being so loving and concerned about his welfare is what led me to live with a man who didn't love me and deny his unfaithfulness to myself for years. So these qualities do me no good, and I need to just allow myself to feel as damaged and jaded as I really am at this point, right?

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our heart at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. " 1 John 3:19-20
--Certainly, there are characteristics about me that are ungodly or need o be changed. And I should always be open to letting God refine me in the way He sees fit. But at moments like I had today, I have to look to God and remember that He made my heart this tender and this open in order that He might love through me. So I need to stop criticizing myself for the things that God loves and wishes to cultivate in me.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Psalm 103:2-5
--My God wants to pull my out of my pit of self-pity, crown me, satisfy me and renew me to do good works. He can't do any of these things if I don't acknowledge the fact that the very characteristics I get frustrated with in myself are benefits He gave me to make me holy. I pray that He will help my love and compassion for others to grow through this experience so that it will never go to waste.

Day 8

Things are looking up right now. I can't really give any reason except that God's mercies are new every morning. That, and I started to get caught up on my sleep this weekend. Both of these things put together bring ample opportunity to be refreshed. I even saw Husband this morning when I picked up the kids, and I was able to look him in the eye for a few seconds. That means we're making progress! I say "we" because I would not be doing any of this without the amazing support system I have in each of you. Those of you who are praying, please stay on your knees. Those of you who are encouraging the rest of us with scripture through your comments, please stay immersed in the word. And those of you who have committed to taking this 40 day journey toward forgiveness in your own lives, please keep your mind open and your hearts prepared. I know God has great things in store for us. This brings me to today's lesson.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE
I think it's interesting how many times I've heard this saying as a way to motivate people to stay focused on the reward they have in store for them. Maybe NBA coaches make this the motto for their team to point them toward the championship trophy, title, paychecks, etc. Maybe
the American Idol contestants waltz on to that stage week after week thinking about the record deal they've been wanting since childhood. I can say from experience that a woman who is exhausted and stretched to her physical and emotional limits will keep pushing through the pain in order to see the sweet angel face of her child for the first time. Knowing what we're working toward makes all the difference in the moments when the process seems impossible.

So- what am I striving for with this forgiveness project? Though I feel sure that there will be many positive results in my life after I complete this process, my main goal is simple. Freedom. A friend of mine shared this quote with me today, and it inspired my bible study and prayer this afternoon.

“Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you”- Jean Paul Sartre
-Did that hit you right in the face like it did to me? I feel like we sometimes mistake the idea of freedom as meaning that our lives should be free of trials, free of stress, or free of pain. Someday, when we get to our real home and meet our Lord face to face, freedom will mean all those things, and more. But as long as we live on this earth, that is not the definition of the word. Does this mean we are bound to the hurt we experience forever, and that the sins we sometimes commit in response to that hurt is unavoidable. NO. Let me show you what the Bible has to say about the freedom that is available to every believer.

I love Isaiah 1:1-4. Read it to yourself before going on. In part of vs. 1, Isaiah says,
"He has sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released."
--These verses illustrate the prize that we will gain as we follow God's instruction. He can heal us. He can free us, and He will.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
-- I must have heard this verse 100 times before. Does that first line make is sound like Paul may have been employed by the Department of Redundancy Department? I always thought so. Of course Christ set us free so we could have freedom. Isn't that obvious? It's only in reading the rest of the verse that it begins to make sense to me.
-- Jesus allowed Himself to suffer a tortuous death on the cross in order that we may be free from the price of our sins. Because that price, as outlined in scripture, is death. And an eternity in hell. How sad is it when He sees us accept that gift of eternal freedom from the consequence of our sins, just to watch us turn around and chain ourselves to things like regret, and anger, and hopelessness here on earth. Part of the freedom Jesus offers us is that of abundant life on earth, and that life cannot be lived by slaves. We serve a mighty God, and the more we seek to follow His will, the more freedom we gain. So the next time I face a difficult memory, or a possible panic attack, I plan to refocus on my prize of freedom. Today I am one step closer.

Day 7

Last night and today have brought my attention to reality. The truth is that this doesn't get easier from one day to the next. The truth is that the dream I always had for my family simply is not going to come true. My children will come through this, as children of divorce always do, but it is unreasonable for me to think that they won't be wounded by it.

When you are a mother, your primary priority is protecting your children. I hate feeling like I failed them, and I keep wondering how I could have spared them this pain and confusion. Of course I know in my heart that I did the best I could, and I know my choices are not what got us here. But that still doesn't make it more bearable. Today's lesson may not be profound, but it's one more way we can train ourselves and prepare our hearts to forgive.

WATCH YOUR WORDS
I have come to realize that every time Husband comes up in conversation, my first instinct is to vent about the many things that frustrate me. At the very least, I find it hard to resist making a sarcastic jab about his character or his choices. I always think this will make me feel better, and actually it usually does. For a moment. But then I realize that the more I say these things out loud, the more difficult it is to stop thinking about them. I can't allow my days to be wasted spewing criticisms and complaints.

"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:26
--Correct me if I'm wrong, here, but it seems like this verse states that even if we try to follow God in all other areas of our lives, it will mean nothing if we continue to let our words get away from us. I don't believe that it means we can never express our hurt or concern to another, but I feel strongly that I need to work on expressing mine more to God and less to the general public.

"The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked." Proverbs 10:11
--The entire tenth Proverb really spoke to me today, so I encourage you to read it if you have time. My prayer is that the words coming from my mouth will better resemble a life-giving fountain as opposed to a soul-crushing tidal wave.

Day 6

Lots of ups and downs already today, but I've spent time in prayer and in God's word. After thanking each of you for your continued prayers, I ask you to really keep lifting up sweet Daughter, as she is showing signs of struggle at this point. Now, I feel like I should get to the point for today. What's the next step on this journey of forgiveness, Lord?

FALL IN LOVE
You read it right. Don't think that's a typo. I really think this will help us. Did God tell me to sign my divorce papers, go to the nearest singles joint, and find a man who really loves me? Is the best way to grieve a failed marriage and forgive Husband for not loving me like Christ loves the church to find a good rebound? No. I have not gone completely off the deep end, so stay with me.

"Those who know my commands and obey them are the ones who love me, and my Father will love those who love me. I will love them and will show myself to them." John 14:21
-Have you ever seen one of those couples that is sickeningly affectionate in public? Borderline inappropriate maybe? He has his arm around her waist, her hand is tucked into his back pocket, and they are walking in a crooked line because they can't take their eyes off each other to pay attention to where they are going? Is that what love looks like? Gee, I hope not, but that's not the point. The point is that two things are happening in their relationship.

#1- They are enthralled, infatuated with each other. Remember where their eyes were looking? Gazing at the other person. Admiring their beauty, and giving knowing looks back and forth as if having an entire conversation without saying a word.

#2- They are, probably unintentionally, showing the world who they belong to. No need for them to shout at the top of their lungs, "I am crazy about her." Or, "I'd do anything for him." No need for the "I love my wife" t-shirt there. Just their actions and the ways they relate to each other allow passersby to understand that they are together. And that little else matters to them at that moment.

No, I'm not telling you that I'm hoping to find someone who loves me that way. And- heaven forbid that picture ever describe my teenage daughter walking through the mall with her boyfriend! I already have someone who loves me unconditionally, and so does she. And the best way to show that I love my Jesus in return is stated in the verse above. Learn His commands and obey them. Then we receive more love from the Father, and we have a clearer picture of Jesus.

I'm sure those of you who have ever been married for more than a year have heard, and probably repeated to yourself, that love is not a feeling, it's a choice. I agree with that whole heartedly. But- I'm here to tell you that in my relationship with God, when I make the choice to love Him by knowing Him and obeying Him, the feeling eventually follows. That's because it is impossible to have Jesus "show himself" to you without ending up weak-in-the-knees amazed with who He is.

"I have obeyed my Father's commands, and I remain in His love. In the same way, if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love. I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy." John 15:8
-- Here's hoping your weekend is filled with that joy!

Day 5

Something about making it to day 5 without being struck by lightning or falling into a deep depression is encouraging. I realize that there are still 35 days to go in this project, and that it's likely to take my entire lifetime to truly understand forgiveness in the biblical sense. Still- today was fairly restful, for both body and soul, and for that I am extremely thankful. Today's lesson is, like many are, easy to say but a pain to live on a day-to-day basis.

DON'T GET STUCK.
It's hard to explain it better than u2 sings it, so pull out your zippos while I remind you of the song. "You've got to get yourself together. You got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. Now you're stuck in a moment..."

At times like the one I'm facing right now, you really have to take things not only day by day, but often hour by hour. I'm sure most of you know that when you're in the grieving process, hearing, seeing or smelling even one tiny thing that reminds you of the life or the person that you lost can tear into your heart before you even notice it's happening.

One of my breakdown moments came today as I made an appointment to go turn in more paperwork to the lawyer's office tomorrow. It's not like I should be surprised at this point that we are drawing nearer to the end of the legal process, but something about looking at the rules for the rest of your life laid out on paper just overwhelms me every time. And I start to look back. I start to wonder how we got here. I start to try to figure out where it all went wrong, or if it was ever really right. And I get stuck. I could live in this loop of never ending questions and possible regrets forever.

But- goodness knows that if there is a moment in my life I want to dwell on for any length of time, it's not that one. It would be much easier to allow myself to get sucked into the black hole of loneliness and uncertainty, though; and I was running low on energy to fight the pull. So I prayed. And God answered. As He always does. Here's what He showed me:

(If you have your bible handy, read Lk. 10:38-42 before you continue.)
"Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Only one thing is important. Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her."
Luke 10:41-42
--Maybe you're wondering what this story has to do with the first part of my post, but God used it today to so clearly illustrate to me our tendency to get stuck expending all our time and energy on things that we have little or no control over, and ultimately aren't that important. The thing that Mary chose to do in the story was to drop everything else and sit at Jesus's feet just to listen and spend time with Him. Jesus said that time, that moment in His presence, would NEVER be taken away from her. So, when I'm sinking in a sea of "what-if's," I need to stop everything else and just get at the feet of my master. That, if you ask me, is the kind of moment worth hanging on to forever.

"When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble, and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others." Phil. 2:3-4
--Every time that I allow myself to focus on the way my pride has been hurt, or how unfair this life is, I miss the opportunity to work on forgiving those who have wronged me. I am not the only one in the picture here. Each of my selfish moments can easily lead me to the false belief that I am somehow superior or more deserving than those who have caused this hurt, when the truth is that they are as much in need of God's grace as I am.

Day 4

Today was, for the most part, pretty manageable. I was reminded a couple of times, though, that I don't want to forgive Husband. I don't feel like he cares whether I do or not. I don't believe that he's sorry for his actions. It's easy to tell myself that I have every right to be angry for the way I've been treated. I feel like I was the best wife I knew how to be, and though I wasn't faultless, I did nothing to deserve this outcome. It's infuriating when I really think about it. This brings me to today's lesson.

DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD.
So often as a Christian I get caught up in the "not doing wrong must mean I'm doing right" mindset. You know what I mean. There are many people out there who believe that if they're not lying, cheating, stealing, getting drunk, doing drugs, or being promiscuous, they are keeping their lives free of sin. That is, according to scriptural principles, a load of crap.

"So then, if you know the good you ought to do and do not do it, you sin." James 4:17
-When I read something in the bible and choose not to do it, or choose to put it off after I know what I should be doing, that's as much a sin as the aforementioned bad behavior.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Col. 3:13
-Notice it doesn't say, "You might think about forgiving if, or when..." It seems like a pretty clear command to me, and now that I've read it, every time I choose not to do it, I sin.

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. " 1 John 3:10
-Ouch! Wish I hadn't read this one, but I think it speaks for itself.

I need to forgive him, no matter how hurt I am. I need to, but don't want to. I need to, but I'm not sure how to. So, I am asking God to teach me. He will not give us a command and then refuse to help us follow through. If you are one of those out there praying for me, please ask God to show me what this true forgiveness looks like and show me how to start doing it in my own heart.

Day 3

Well, the past hour has been pretty rough on me. I am coming now to the throne room of God, and I plan to spend some time reading His word and praying on my face before the Jesus who saved me. He saved me once from my sins and from an eternity in hell, but I still need Him to save me from myself, from the fear, from the anger and from the pain of life on this earth daily.

So God's wisdom for me today:
KNOW WHERE YOU COMFORT LIES.
Daughter came to me before bed tonight suddenly hit by the realization that her daddy isn't coming home. "I want him to live here with us again," she cried. "I want to watch TV together on the mornings when he doesn't have work and I don't have school. And on Mother's Day, I want to get up early and make breakfast for you with daddy."

I probably don't have to tell you that the weight of her high pitched words stabbed my soul like shards of broken glass. Each piece of that glass seeks to embed itself into my heart so deeply that I will feel it every moment, yet never be able to extract it all. So do I let it, or do I fight back?

If you knew me, you'd know that I'm always up for a good fight. No way on earth do I want the words of my wounded four year old to cut me so deeply that I lose the ability to be the mother that she needs and deserves. I've seen God's goodness and grace, and I know we're swimming in it right now, but she's not experienced in that area yet. If I don't take this opportunity to show her, who will?

So we talked for awhile about how it's okay to be sad and to miss daddy when with mommy and to miss mommy when with daddy. And we read a bedtime story that was all about faith and listening to your "heart voice" when it tells you God is with you. I reassured her again that her mommy and her daddy would always love her completely, and that God will go with her wherever she goes. He will take care of us, because He loves us and knows what's best. This somehow led into us singing together, feet snug in her sheets, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." What a sweet moment. Then we prayed, and we hugged and kissed a little more than most nights, and she went to sleep feeling secure and loved.

And I, honestly, still left her room feeling angry with Husband for putting us all through this. I felt the despair start to creep in as I began to worry about all the future implications of this divorce on my precious children. And I was worn out from the fight. I was almost overwhelmed again with the tasks before me of raising my kids and keeping it together and fighting the loneliness all by myself.

But then I remembered that I'm not doing this by myself, and I'll never have to. The faith I had just explained to my little girl could so easily slip through my fingers as I focus on self-reliance and being strong. There is no need for this, because I have an endless supply of comfort waiting for me in the arms of my Father.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us." 2 Cor. 1:3-4

Day 2

So yesterday, Monday, was only day 2 of this project, and already I got so busy that I didn't have the chance to post. I'm really sorry to anyone who is trying to work on this with me, and I will try not to miss another day. I guess I'll just have to ask you to forgive me. :)

The truth about day 2 is that is was a pretty great day. It seems to me that on those days, where everything falls into place, and we get caught up in fun and excitement, forgiveness isn't nearly as hard. Part of it is that we may be preoccupied enough that we don't even think about the person who hurt us very much. My counselor says that though this may be an avoidance strategy, it can also serve as a healthy coping skill from time to time.

No matter what is going on in our lives at any given time, taking a day away from stress to just enjoy life can be really refreshing. So this is our lesson for day 2:

SOAK IT UP.
Despite any horrific circumstances that may be surrounding us, God still provides us with beautiful blessings, and moments when we remember how it feels to be whole and joyful.

Sometimes my blessings come from watching my sweet babies play together and seeing the way Daughter is so eager to teach and take care of Son. Sometimes they come in the form of a little free time to enjoy my hobbies, a good night's sleep, or a friend that is there for me at just the right moment. But always they help me turn my eyes toward the Father who provides these good and perfect gifts, and I plan to remember from now on to relish each of these moments.

Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that you can't be thankful, or that God isn't praiseworthy, even in your darkest days.

"Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today." Luke 5:26

"Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts." 1 Chron. 16:9

Day 1

Today is the first day of this project, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work that I will have to do (and let God do in me) to complete it. I'm wishing I hadn't made it public knowledge that I'm doing this so that there wouldn't be anyone around to hold me accountable. I'm already expecting to crash and burn in the forgiveness cycle, and I'm imagining how humiliating and frustrating that will be.

The truth is that my anger and resentment can easily become an addiction. So- like any other addict trying to recover, I'm going to have to take this one day at a time. Today's task may sound easy, but it is one I've had to return to time and time again throughout my life.

BELIEVE GOD. For our Day 1 assignment, we will focus on the fact that God is real, and that when we seek after Him, He will always come to our rescue. Every time. Maybe it won't look to the outside world like we're being rescued, but in our hearts we can know that truth. I am seeking God in this journey of forgiveness, and His word commands me to be forgiving; so I can be sure that He will teach me what I need to do from one day to the next. Today's verse is one of my favorites, and it is a great help to keep it fresh on my mind as I begin this road to healing.

"And without faith it is impossible to please God. Anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and they He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

If you start by reading Hebrews 11 in it's entirety, you will see some amazing examples of people in the Bible who had great faith in their great God. He was able to use them to do amazing things, and they were allowed to be a part as God changed the world time and time again. I so desperately want to be part of something like that. I want to be used by the God of the universe to transform lives and point people toward Christ. BUT, I know full well that God can't use me while I'm still holding on to the wrong that has been done to me or the injustice plaguing my world. It takes genuine faith, and a lot of it, to sit in the center of God's plan for humanity. I hope that today, I am one step closer to doing exactly that.

About the Project

I am currently going through the roughest period of my life. This year, as I prepare for my 30th birthday, I am also preparing to face the world in an entirely different way than I had planned. My husband of 7 years moved out of our house 9 weeks ago, and we are quickly approaching the 60 day mark required to finalize our divorce legally.

This project is not meant to hurt anyone or damage any reputations, so all names will remain anonymous. I do, however, feel that it is important for you to know my story in order to understand the events that led me to begin this project.

Husband and I met in college, dated for a couple of years, and then entered into the covenant of Christian marriage before the Lord, our families, and many friends. Both of us had accepted Christ many years prior to meeting each other, and we both believed that following His will and bringing Him glory was the most important thing in life.

Somewhere throughout our 7 years of marriage and raising of two children, Satan got a tight grip on Husband's heart. I watched, waited, and prayed as his heart was hardened and his sin addiction took over his entire life. I found out the day he left that he has been in another relationship for over two years now, and he chooses her to spend his life with instead of his family.

This has, as you can imagine, wounded me more deeply than words can express. The pain is sometimes overwhelming, and it is easy to let myself drown in the sorrow of it all. However, Daughter is four years old and Son is quickly approaching his second birthday, and they need a functioning, loving, encouraging mother to bring them through these changes. More than that, they need- we all need- to learn to depend fully on the loving God who created us, knows us, and loves us better than any human ever could. So, my prayer has been for God to help me do just that.

It is hard. There are days when I want to throw in the towel and stop trying to move through the stages of grief. And it may get harder. And I may grow more weary. And I may fail. But, the one thing I know is that at the end of every day- whether marked by failure or success- God is still here for me. He is loving and forgiving, and He knows my limitations though He has none.

One thing I know that I am called to do as a Christian is to forgive others. I have to honestly tell you now that this has never been my strength in life. I am not usually one to hold a grudge, but if you hurt me badly enough, I want to hold on to that hurt and take it with me to the grave. I know that this situation and this person have hurt me more than I could have dreamed possible, but I also know that holding on to this much pain will poison me. The anger I have every right to feel now will soon begin to turn to bitterness. The judgement I wish to place on the guilty parties will eventually lead to my own judgement before a righteous God. And I will have lived a life that produced nothing of value, and my purpose and love for everyone else will soon be choked out by the bitter spirit that will rot me from the inside out.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like the most miserable future I can imagine. I will do anything I can to stop that from happening. And the most I can do right now is to cry out to God, rely on His strength, and ask Him to teach me how to forgive. I also know I need the help of my brothers and sisters in Christ as I face this perilous journey through the pain.

If you would like to commit to praying for me, please check here for daily updates and prayer requests. If you have been led through a shadowy valley that required you to forgive someone who hurt you, please share any insight or encouragement that you gained from your experience. OR- maybe you, too have someone in your life who needs forgiving. It doesn't matter whether it is a wayward spouse, a neglectful or abusive parent, a betraying friend or co-worker, or a child who disappointed you. Maybe it's God you're mad at, or maybe you're just angry with yourself. The topic here is forgiveness, and whatever your story, please join me if you feel called to try it in your own life. I'm beginning a 40 day journey and commitment to seek God's face and learn to forgive so that I may have life to the full.

Each day I will share a little bit here about my struggles and what God has taught me. I will also include the verses I study that day that relate to the process of forgiving. Many of these verses, as well as my prayers will come from the book entitled Praying God's Word, by Beth Moore. I am also doing a study of the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan right now in a small group, so I'm sure some of those thoughts will jump in here too. Tomorrow, October 11, 2009, will be day one, and I hope you will come along!