Day 10

I'm getting started early today because Daughter is at preschool this morning. Just to update everyone, I spoke with the legal secretary this morning, and she said they hadn't yet called Husband to go get the papers. That will happen today, and if he gets them signed and returned quickly the divorce should be final by the end of this month. Wouldn't it be great if the day I walked in to court to finalize things, they offered to erase my memory before I left. That way, it would be like the marriage never happened, and the pain would be gone along with the memories. Since I don't personally know the character on Heroes who can take memories right out of people's head, or anyone who has one of those tools they used on the Men in Black movies, I guess I'll have to find another way to deal with the past. Today's lesson came by way of my dear friend right after Husband moved out of the house.

CHANGE THE CHANNEL
No, I'm not talking about watching different TV shows while working on forgiveness, though some of us may be called to do such things. One of the biggest hardships I've had since finding out about the affair is reigning in my thoughts when they start to go off course. I have gotten better at this, and I believe that time certainly helps with this dilemma. But, when I lay my head down on my pillow at night or try to have some relaxing quiet time during the day, the movie clips always start in my head. I will suddenly start remembering moments in my marriage where things were not as they seemed.

The other day, for example, I crawled into bed in a good mood after a fairly uneventful day. The minute I closed my eyes, my memory flashed to New Year's Eve of last year. Husband got a phone call around 11:00 pm saying he had to go deal with a problem at work, so he went and did that while I stayed at the party by myself. He obviously wasn't working, but instead ringing in the New Year and sharing a midnight kiss with her.

That was just one of the many pictures that come to mind when I don't even realize I'm thinking about him. I know that thinking about these things does nothing but get me wound up and angry, but it is truly difficult to stop the memories once they start flooding in. So, one thing I've committed to do for several weeks now, is to change the channel in my mind when these images jump out at me.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. " Phil. 4:8
--If we first memorize this verse, then we will be able to remember what we should be thinking about when life gets overwhelming. I try to immediately recall this verse when the movies begin in my head. Then, I concentrate on doing what it says. I think about what I know to be true about God's grace and the ways He's always provided for me in my life. I think about people in my life or in the Bible who I consider to have lived noble lives, and I challenge myself to develop some of their characteristics in myself. Once I get to "whatever is right," the Holy Spirit tends to remind me that forgiving others- no matter how hurtful their offense- is right. You get the picture. By the time I go through the things in this verse, my mind is almost always lifted back to a more peaceful place.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor.10:5
--I have to tell you honestly that I am really bad at this. Between my ADD and my overactive imagination, there are many thoughts that creep in to my mind before I even realize they exist. So, I ask God to help me. About 100 times a day, I find myself saying to God, "Take that thought captive, please Lord." I don't claim to have this under control, but I can tell you that I'm working on it. And every time that my true view of Jesus triumphs over my distorted view of past and pain, I know that God has been victorious.