Day 3

Well, the past hour has been pretty rough on me. I am coming now to the throne room of God, and I plan to spend some time reading His word and praying on my face before the Jesus who saved me. He saved me once from my sins and from an eternity in hell, but I still need Him to save me from myself, from the fear, from the anger and from the pain of life on this earth daily.

So God's wisdom for me today:
KNOW WHERE YOU COMFORT LIES.
Daughter came to me before bed tonight suddenly hit by the realization that her daddy isn't coming home. "I want him to live here with us again," she cried. "I want to watch TV together on the mornings when he doesn't have work and I don't have school. And on Mother's Day, I want to get up early and make breakfast for you with daddy."

I probably don't have to tell you that the weight of her high pitched words stabbed my soul like shards of broken glass. Each piece of that glass seeks to embed itself into my heart so deeply that I will feel it every moment, yet never be able to extract it all. So do I let it, or do I fight back?

If you knew me, you'd know that I'm always up for a good fight. No way on earth do I want the words of my wounded four year old to cut me so deeply that I lose the ability to be the mother that she needs and deserves. I've seen God's goodness and grace, and I know we're swimming in it right now, but she's not experienced in that area yet. If I don't take this opportunity to show her, who will?

So we talked for awhile about how it's okay to be sad and to miss daddy when with mommy and to miss mommy when with daddy. And we read a bedtime story that was all about faith and listening to your "heart voice" when it tells you God is with you. I reassured her again that her mommy and her daddy would always love her completely, and that God will go with her wherever she goes. He will take care of us, because He loves us and knows what's best. This somehow led into us singing together, feet snug in her sheets, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." What a sweet moment. Then we prayed, and we hugged and kissed a little more than most nights, and she went to sleep feeling secure and loved.

And I, honestly, still left her room feeling angry with Husband for putting us all through this. I felt the despair start to creep in as I began to worry about all the future implications of this divorce on my precious children. And I was worn out from the fight. I was almost overwhelmed again with the tasks before me of raising my kids and keeping it together and fighting the loneliness all by myself.

But then I remembered that I'm not doing this by myself, and I'll never have to. The faith I had just explained to my little girl could so easily slip through my fingers as I focus on self-reliance and being strong. There is no need for this, because I have an endless supply of comfort waiting for me in the arms of my Father.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us." 2 Cor. 1:3-4