Today has been a good day, but last night was a different story. The kids are away for the weekend, and I still find myself missing them and wondering what to do when they aren't home with me. To add to that, I watched a show late last night that proved to be more frightening than usual. So I decided to move on to watching something that would serve to calm me down, but somehow the love story involved in that episode just made me more aware of my own loneliness. So there I sat, well after midnight, with tears spilling down my cheeks and an empty house.
THE ABSENCE OF ANGER INDICATES A HEART CHANGE.
Something very strange happened as I sat there, filled with sadness and self pity. I realized two things that were different than the last time I experienced one of these nights.
#1. I felt alone, but I wasn't angry.
I didn't sit and stew about how Ex-Husband had caused all of this, or how his girlfriend had stolen the joy and stability from our family. This was not a conscious decision, mind you. I didn't have to try to stop blaming them; I just didn't think about it.
#2. My heart ached, but not for Husband.
I don't miss him anymore. Sure, I wish there was a man around the house to help share the load, and seeing the mother, father and two kids riding their bikes down the street is almost too painful to bear, but I don't miss the man that left our home. I don't hate him or wish him misery either, I'm just not longing for him to come back.
I feel like these shifts in my perspective have come mostly from the prayers I've been sharing with you these past few days. It's getting easier to see them as humans trapped in sin than the people who destroyed my so-called happiness. It's also getting easier to believe my loved ones when they tell me that God has something better in store for me in the future. I have to admit that the verse I'm about to share is one that I feel is often overused. Go looking for a graduation gift at your nearest Christian bookstore, and you'll find these words inscribed on everything from paper weights to baseball caps. But- just like a song that is played too often may seem worn out but doesn't cease to be a good song, God's word is always true, whether we've heard it one time or one thousand. This is a time in the forgiveness journey where I feel it is extremely important for us to hear God's voice as He whispers these words to us.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Today's prayer is simple, but crucial.
Father, my heart's desire and my prayer is for ______________'s salvation. (Rom. 10:1)
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