Day 23

Today I've been impatient about getting a court date. That impatience hasn't gotten me even one step closer to finalizing the divorce, so I had to admit that there must be a reason for this timing "glitch" and let it go. When we do get a date, I'll be sure to post it so that you can all be praying that day.

I've been blessed with great reading material that has provided ample inspiration in recent days, and it may be difficult to channel it into a cohesive lesson. But I know that the timing of reading, hearing, and learning these concepts simultaneously is providing the momentum I so desperately need to find a purpose in this pain. So I will try to convey my swirl of thoughts and revelations in a way that might also provide some insight for all those reading along and joining me in this forgiveness project.

DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE WRITE YOUR STORY.
One book that I'm reading and loving right now is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It is about how every one's life is like a story, and we can either become the co-author of our lives along with God, or we can end up playing a supporting role in a story controlled by someone else. Husband is living a very dark, sad, lonely story right now. I got sucked in to being part of that story for a while, but this divorce is my opportunity to refocus on the story I want my life to tell. And this part- this painful stage where I'm often lost and confused- is an opportunity for the main character to grow and be changed in remarkable ways.

So, what do I want my story, my life, to say? I know that I want it to speak much less of my glory and much more of God's. I know that I want people to look at the struggles, the heartache, and the sad circumstances I've encountered and still leave with the hope for a happy ending. Does that happy ending need to involve me riding off into the sunset with some new, amazing man? Is romantic companionship really the main goal and desire in my heart? No. I won't lie to you and say that it wouldn't be nice to have someday, but there is only one main goal that this protagonist aspires to reach on a daily basis. Bring God praise, and point other wanderers to His merciful love. If I can keep this in mind as I go through the motions of trying to hold my life together, I can see the importance of forgiving more clearly.

"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
--I think I've used this one in a previous post, but I have to repeat it to myself about a thousand times a day if I want to remember the point of my story.

If you want to know about a character who's life told a great story, read about Stephen in Acts 6-7. His story has always been a favorite of mine because he lived and died bringing glory to God and professing biblical truth. I hope you will take the time to read the whole story, but I thought I'd include my favorite part as translated in The Message. At this point, Stephen had been brought before an angry crowd and falsely accused of blasphemy. Instead of standing up and defending himself and telling his own story, he basically took that opportunity to tell the entire bible- from Abraham to Christ- to all those who would listen. Here's how that ended:

"At that point they went wild, a rioting mob of catcalls and whistles and invective. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed - he only had eyes for God, whom he saw in all his glory with Jesus standing at his side. He said, "Oh! I see heaven wide open and the Son of Man standing at God's side!" Yelling and hissing, the mob drowned him out. Now in full stampede, they dragged him out of town and pelted him with rocks. The ringleaders took off their coats and asked a young man named Saul to watch them. As the rocks rained down, Stephen prayed, "Master Jesus, take my life." Then he knelt down, praying loud enough for everyone to hear, "Master, don't blame them for this sin" - his last words. Then he died. Saul was right there, congratulating the killers. " Acts 7:54-60
--Please don't think for a moment that I'm comparing the circumstances surrounding my divorce to being stoned by an angry mob. I also have to admit that suffering physical pain and death as a martyr for the Lord is not how I hope my story will end. It's Stephen's passion and purpose and faith that inspire me to write a better story for myself. And I know that no story can point to God the way Stephen's does when the main character is focused on bitterness or revenge. It is my hope that as I continue to face difficult situations in which I could easily dwell on my pain and my loss, I will instead be able to fix my gaze on my God the way Stephen did so beautifully.