Day 26

Though today has been just fine for the most part, the lesson is going to be hard to share. This is something I actually felt God speak to my heart several days ago, but I had to chew on it for a long time before feeling like I could write it down.

I'd much rather spend today talking about how amazing God is to provide me with such an incredible support system. Last night, I was showered with cards, gifts, texts, calls, and encouragement from my friends and family. As difficult as this situation has been, it has shown such a testimony of God's faithfulness to surround us with a great cloud of witnesses who help carry our burdens and celebrate our successes. For that, I am beyond grateful.

Now, it's time to stop procrastinating and tell you what I'm learning.
SELECTIVE FORGIVENESS DOESN'T COUNT.
Did I already say that I despise this lesson? I also must admit that I don't fully grasp it, and I definitely haven't been able to apply it yet. But I feel like it's a very important concept, and I have started praying that God would teach me to follow it.

I entered this journey expecting to learn about the process of forgiveness. I planned to start by trying to forgive Husband, then, after that was done I would start the process with others in my life who also needed my forgiveness. You know... I was setting attainable goals. Taking things one step at a time, and all that jazz. I never stopped to consider that my idea of how to tackle this problem in my life may not be in line with scriptural standards. I also know that I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have things all figured out; and you may completely disagree with my interpretation of the following verses. Please, please, correct me if I'm wrong because I'd love to hear about an easier way to follow biblical precepts and receive God's blessings in my life.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:24-25
--We read and discussed these verses in Sunday school last week, and things got interesting. One of the most godly, faithful prayer warriors I know brought up the point that the first of these two verses is hard to swallow because we have all asked, and earnestly begged for things while believing that God would answer those prayers. She was obviously not talking about praying for things that are frivolous or outside of what we believe to be God's will. In fact, I feel like she was thinking about how fervently she had prayed for the Lord to break my husband's heart, cause him to repent, and restore our family the way that scripture describes.

And then, after hearing these verses for what seemed like the 100th time, it hit me. These two verses are put together for a reason. Jesus told us that God can provide for us anything and everything we ask for in prayer. We tend to get stuck on the part about believing that God will do this. That can certainly be a struggle for everyone, but I feel that it is easier to overcome unbelief than it is to follow the next stipulation.

There is a reason that verse 25 begins with a conjunction. The word "and" at the beginning indicates that this verse is a continuation of the thought in the sentence before. We know that the sin in our lives is what separates us from a Holy God, and it is important to confess those sins in order to receive forgiveness. After we confess those sins, the door is again opened for God to hear our prayers and communicate back to us. When there is too much sin in the way, our means of communicating with God are blocked.

Jesus stated that when we pray, we must first forgive ANYTHING we are holding against ANYONE in order to allow God's forgiveness to cover our own sins. It seems to me that means that if we refuse to forgive anyone, that blocks the communication, and we should not expect God to answer any of the other prayers we bring to Him. So, we can spend days or weeks on our knees on behalf of our own needs or the needs of those we love, but if our hearts are plagued with unforgiveness for even one person, no amount of faith or time will make a difference.

Now do you see how much I wish I hadn't thought about these truths? It makes me realize that I can't work my hardest to forgive Husband, then expect a gold star from God. I have to forgive them all. I need to be learning, and working, and asking God to help me forgive the woman who lured my husband away from his family. I need let go of some other grudges I have held onto like a security blanket for most of my life. It's time to stop keeping score. To surrender the hurt to the One who can heal. To remember that no human will ever live up to the standards of perfection I have allowed myself to long for. It's time to forgive not the one but the many, just the way that Jesus forgave the crowd of sinners that stood before Him at the cross as well as all of us who would not be born for thousands of years to come.