Today my heart has been filled with praise for the God who led me to, and brought me through, the wilderness. I made a vow that I would spend these 40 days making forgiveness and healing my main priority, and God blessed me beyond what I could have imagined. I so hope that this project and the truths the Lord has taught me have been a ministry to others, and I will continue to pray for those of you who have been walking with me through these trials. Today's final lesson is simple.
DON'T STOP NOW.
To assume that this journey, the process, or the healing is complete would be naive. Jesus still has plenty of work to do on my heart, and just because I don't plan to focus solely on that and blog about it daily, it is incredibly important for me to leave room for Him to continue carrying out His plan for me. I also know that part of the plan for me- and every other believer- is to share His grace and His love with others and provide them with the same comfort that He has provided me in my darkest times.
"He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron." Psalm 107:14-15
--No matter what other troubles I face in this life, not a day will come when I will not be thankful for the way God has brought me through this time in my life and given me a deeper understanding of His character.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:9-10
--Although we may be tempted to celebrate the "end" of a journey like this one by focusing on our own agendas and hopes for our lives, it is important to keep our eyes and hearts open for opportunities to minister to others.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
and the deepest gloom
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Day 39: Acknowledge How Far You've Come.
Can anyone else believe that tomorrow is the final day in our 40 day journey? I tend to focus on how much farther I will still need to go, how much work is left to do, how much longer this will take, but that's not today's message.
ACKNOWLEDGE HOW FAR YOU'VE COME.
My work day was filled with sweet reminders of God's ability to move us out of the pit and drench us in His light, no matter how dire our circumstances may seem. One precious friend of mine walked in this morning to announce that she is pregnant. She had already suffered a miscarriage, and failed fertility procedures, but she had never given up hope. Beside her came another grateful mother who started this school year in treatment for an aggressive cancer, and walks through life today with a clean bill of health and an amazing testimony to share.
I was later able to snuggle an adorable 4 month old who came, along with his twin brother, as a result of many fertility treatments, prayers, and tears from their faithful parents. He had also spent his first several days of life in the NICU (which is every parent's nightmare) but gave me sweet love today as a healthy, happy baby boy. I had a conversation with another friend who has experienced a family crisis much like my own, about the ways in which God has brought him through so much pain and anger to produce in him a peace and a fresh mindset. I looked in to the eyes of my own children, and I saw that they are adjusting to this new way of life amazingly well, and I praised God for His provision and their resiliency.
And this prompted me to look at my own life. I could go back and read the first days of this blog, and though I would remember her, I no longer know the girl who wrote those words. It would be false to say that the hurt is gone or the healing complete, but today is an opportunity to thank God for yanking me out of the sinking sand and setting my feet upon the rock of His promises and His love. I have put in plenty of effort and commitment to learning how to forgive, but the truth is that none of that would have helped if God himself hadn't met me in the middle of all my fear, questions, rage, and doubt and literally started to reshape my heart to look more like His.
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5
--In this world, we will suffer. Things might get worse before they get better, and tragedy will strike when we least expect it. We may yell at God, question His goodness, or feel that He's turned His almighty back at times, but then the comfort will overflow.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (NLT)
--Jesus suffered, and we will too, but NOTHING will take His love and comfort from us, even in our darkest hours.
Lord, please show _____________ that Your precepts are right. Make his/her heart glad; let his/her eyes light up with the radiance of Your commandments. (Ps. 19:8
ACKNOWLEDGE HOW FAR YOU'VE COME.
My work day was filled with sweet reminders of God's ability to move us out of the pit and drench us in His light, no matter how dire our circumstances may seem. One precious friend of mine walked in this morning to announce that she is pregnant. She had already suffered a miscarriage, and failed fertility procedures, but she had never given up hope. Beside her came another grateful mother who started this school year in treatment for an aggressive cancer, and walks through life today with a clean bill of health and an amazing testimony to share.
I was later able to snuggle an adorable 4 month old who came, along with his twin brother, as a result of many fertility treatments, prayers, and tears from their faithful parents. He had also spent his first several days of life in the NICU (which is every parent's nightmare) but gave me sweet love today as a healthy, happy baby boy. I had a conversation with another friend who has experienced a family crisis much like my own, about the ways in which God has brought him through so much pain and anger to produce in him a peace and a fresh mindset. I looked in to the eyes of my own children, and I saw that they are adjusting to this new way of life amazingly well, and I praised God for His provision and their resiliency.
And this prompted me to look at my own life. I could go back and read the first days of this blog, and though I would remember her, I no longer know the girl who wrote those words. It would be false to say that the hurt is gone or the healing complete, but today is an opportunity to thank God for yanking me out of the sinking sand and setting my feet upon the rock of His promises and His love. I have put in plenty of effort and commitment to learning how to forgive, but the truth is that none of that would have helped if God himself hadn't met me in the middle of all my fear, questions, rage, and doubt and literally started to reshape my heart to look more like His.
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5
--In this world, we will suffer. Things might get worse before they get better, and tragedy will strike when we least expect it. We may yell at God, question His goodness, or feel that He's turned His almighty back at times, but then the comfort will overflow.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (NLT)
--Jesus suffered, and we will too, but NOTHING will take His love and comfort from us, even in our darkest hours.
Lord, please show _____________ that Your precepts are right. Make his/her heart glad; let his/her eyes light up with the radiance of Your commandments. (Ps. 19:8
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Day 38: He's There in the Dark.
Today was a reminder that, though my hard days are getting fewer and farther between, they still keep coming. Just like usual, my trip through the emotional ringer wasn't even triggered by anything I can think of. This is not an anniversary of anything substantial in our marriage or separation, no insensitive comments were made to me, no contact with the ex. I didn't feel particularly lonely or stressed, just generally low. The day was just a little dark, as if the sun were refusing to peek out from behind it's cloud.
I was able to start a new book this afternoon, though, and it helped to alter my perspective a bit. A dear, supportive friend sent in to me, and it is called Faithquake, by Doug Herman. I can already recommend this book to anyone who is struggling, so I'll try not to spoil it as I reference it in today's lesson.
HE'S THERE IN THE DARK.
This evening was a really nice time to spend at home with the kids. They are usually with their dad on Tuesday nights, but we switched this week, so dinner and snuggle time with them felt like a special treat tonight. About an hour ago, Daughter decided that she was cold and wanted me to get a blanket from my bedroom to cover her up. I let her know that I would gladly cover her up if she brought the blanket, but she would need to to get it herself. She started the short journey several times, only to come back to me saying that it was dark and she was too scared to go in there. She even tried to convince Son to go retrieve it for her, but he too came back empty-handed, running back into the kitchen lights.
As a mother, I was not going to let my children freeze, but I was also aware that there was nothing dangerous waiting to overtake them in the moderately dark room. So I told them I would walk with them, holding their hands, into the room, but I would not turn on the light or actually pick up the blanket myself. In we marched, a strong line of three, gripping each others' hands so tightly that we would have dominated in a game of Red Rover. Daughter found the blanket, came back to my hand, and we left the room victorious.
I couldn't help but think how God is doing the same thing for me right now. He doesn't promise that dark days won't come, but whether we notice or not, He walks through every minute of it with us, and He leads us victoriously to a new light when the time has come and the lessons are learned.
"The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
--This tells us that the darkness doesn't last forever. And, hard as it is to accept when you are face-to-face with a catastrophe, we have also been promised that we come out of it better, stronger, not as easily shaken, and more prepared to help others during their own hardships.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:1-2
--Whatever it is, wherever we are, we are never alone. He's there, holding our hand, keeping us safe, and guiding us toward our reward.
Today's prayer for those who hurt me:
Lord, please give __________________ the heart to know You, that You are the Lord. Let them be Your people, and You be their God as they return to You with all their hearts.
(Jer. 24:7)
I was able to start a new book this afternoon, though, and it helped to alter my perspective a bit. A dear, supportive friend sent in to me, and it is called Faithquake, by Doug Herman. I can already recommend this book to anyone who is struggling, so I'll try not to spoil it as I reference it in today's lesson.
HE'S THERE IN THE DARK.
This evening was a really nice time to spend at home with the kids. They are usually with their dad on Tuesday nights, but we switched this week, so dinner and snuggle time with them felt like a special treat tonight. About an hour ago, Daughter decided that she was cold and wanted me to get a blanket from my bedroom to cover her up. I let her know that I would gladly cover her up if she brought the blanket, but she would need to to get it herself. She started the short journey several times, only to come back to me saying that it was dark and she was too scared to go in there. She even tried to convince Son to go retrieve it for her, but he too came back empty-handed, running back into the kitchen lights.
As a mother, I was not going to let my children freeze, but I was also aware that there was nothing dangerous waiting to overtake them in the moderately dark room. So I told them I would walk with them, holding their hands, into the room, but I would not turn on the light or actually pick up the blanket myself. In we marched, a strong line of three, gripping each others' hands so tightly that we would have dominated in a game of Red Rover. Daughter found the blanket, came back to my hand, and we left the room victorious.
I couldn't help but think how God is doing the same thing for me right now. He doesn't promise that dark days won't come, but whether we notice or not, He walks through every minute of it with us, and He leads us victoriously to a new light when the time has come and the lessons are learned.
"The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
--This tells us that the darkness doesn't last forever. And, hard as it is to accept when you are face-to-face with a catastrophe, we have also been promised that we come out of it better, stronger, not as easily shaken, and more prepared to help others during their own hardships.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:1-2
--Whatever it is, wherever we are, we are never alone. He's there, holding our hand, keeping us safe, and guiding us toward our reward.
Today's prayer for those who hurt me:
Lord, please give __________________ the heart to know You, that You are the Lord. Let them be Your people, and You be their God as they return to You with all their hearts.
(Jer. 24:7)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 37: There is a Gift for You.
Yesterday afternoon I decided I needed to go buy myself a little treat. I had been wanting a new candle to bring a fresh, new scent to our home, so I headed to my candle mecca, otherwise known as Pier One. As I approached the glass doors from the sidewalk, I began to notice a beautiful twinkle shining like a beacon and calling me in to the sparkly wonderland. Upon entering the store, the door let out a "bing" as it closed behind me, as if to make everyone shopping aware that there was a new victim entering the glittered crime scene. The Ghost of Christmas Decor had stopped in to this store, and apparently, she had lost her lunch all over the place. It was mesmerizingly beautiful, and then, in the next instant, sickening and depressing.
THERE IS A GIFT FOR YOU.
The topic of my Divorce Care meeting tonight was, "Surviving the Holidays." I realized during my shopping nightmare yesterday that I have been completely avoiding the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. I know they will be hard, and I know that there is no activity or attitude that will keep me from being lonely. This fact makes me wish I could crawl up into my bed, with Ben and Jerry as my company, then burrow into my plush new bedding and hibernate until Spring. Once again, I am thankful that I have two small children to take care of who would find that behavior completely unacceptable. So, I will get down the tree, eat the turkey, decorate the cookies and hang the stockings. I will soak up all the love I can from my amazing family and friends as they come from far and near to celebrate together, and I will try to find a way to do a little celebrating myself.
On the video we watched at the meeting tonight, they hit one point about Christmas that gives me reason to hope. The idea was, essentially, that Christmas is a holiday for sufferers. Our suffering, this fallen world, and our deep need for rescue were the reasons that Jesus came to earth. This present sadness could only be overcome by the baby in that manger, and He has, and will again, overcome the world. This is my chance to take Him at His word. This is my time to believe in miracles. Not the ones that slide down our chimneys in red, furry suits, but the One that became like us, and hung on a cross with red, bloody wounds and made a way for me to move forward and make something good of this all-too-often wasted life. What a gift!
"This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it--the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
--This God has the big-picture view, and He's willing to share some of His secrets with anyone who calls out to Him with a genuine heart. What a gift, indeed.
Lord, I pray that you will humble _______________, and show him/her that when he/she calls on You, You have to power to answer him/her and tell him/her great and unsearchable things that he/she doesn't know in his/her present condition. (Jer. 33:3)
THERE IS A GIFT FOR YOU.
The topic of my Divorce Care meeting tonight was, "Surviving the Holidays." I realized during my shopping nightmare yesterday that I have been completely avoiding the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. I know they will be hard, and I know that there is no activity or attitude that will keep me from being lonely. This fact makes me wish I could crawl up into my bed, with Ben and Jerry as my company, then burrow into my plush new bedding and hibernate until Spring. Once again, I am thankful that I have two small children to take care of who would find that behavior completely unacceptable. So, I will get down the tree, eat the turkey, decorate the cookies and hang the stockings. I will soak up all the love I can from my amazing family and friends as they come from far and near to celebrate together, and I will try to find a way to do a little celebrating myself.
On the video we watched at the meeting tonight, they hit one point about Christmas that gives me reason to hope. The idea was, essentially, that Christmas is a holiday for sufferers. Our suffering, this fallen world, and our deep need for rescue were the reasons that Jesus came to earth. This present sadness could only be overcome by the baby in that manger, and He has, and will again, overcome the world. This is my chance to take Him at His word. This is my time to believe in miracles. Not the ones that slide down our chimneys in red, furry suits, but the One that became like us, and hung on a cross with red, bloody wounds and made a way for me to move forward and make something good of this all-too-often wasted life. What a gift!
"This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it--the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
--This God has the big-picture view, and He's willing to share some of His secrets with anyone who calls out to Him with a genuine heart. What a gift, indeed.
Lord, I pray that you will humble _______________, and show him/her that when he/she calls on You, You have to power to answer him/her and tell him/her great and unsearchable things that he/she doesn't know in his/her present condition. (Jer. 33:3)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Day 36: Enough is Enough.
I just got home from yet another soul-stirring worship service, where God very clearly spoke to me about what's next. I think it's interesting that we tend to put time lines on the recovery process, when we must be somewhat aware that it is different for everyone. I am so utterly grateful to God for putting the idea of this project and blog on my heart because I feel that the time I've spent on it probably sped up my healing by not allowing me to avoid the pain and the lingering questions. We can waste a lot of time stewing in the filth that represents our circumstances if we do not force ourselves to progress, and I don't have any more time to spare.
It saddens me to realize how mundane and uninspiring my life had become before we were struck with all this family drama. And if I thought I was focusing too much on my self and my own needs then, I wish I could show you what's been going on in my brain these last few months. I know it is necessary for us to re-evaluate ourselves, our faith, and what we want from life sometimes, but I'm ready to start turning that focus outward.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and whole, and happily ever after at this point in the journey, but I've had enough of the constant self-centeredness I've been clinging to. Enough whining, enough pity, enough being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. This new life I've been given in Christ can't stop at my rescue. He wants to use my pain and my past to help rescue others.
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
--Just as God has been good to me and brought me through my trouble and heartbreak, He expects me to help others to find justice and mercy, and to focus less on myself and more on how I can help others. There are many people around this world who are suffering far greater injustices than the one that has been done to me, and my pain binds me to them. My hurt for my own family makes me hurt for them and allows me to find new ways to minister to them. What good is suffering if we do nothing as a result?
I've read many verses about justice throughout this process, and I have seen that God has a heart for what is right and He hates it when His people are abused and mistreated. I should be equally as enraged at the wrongs being done around the world, and I have the ability to ask for God's power to help me make a difference.
Part of this morning's message was about real cases of human trafficking, of the AIDS crisis, and of orphans who have no homes. There are things we can do to help, and I am eager to get on board. I love knowing that we are called to a greater purpose than just to cry and pray and share our pain with the Christians around us as we all live our relatively comfortable lives. We are instead called to ban together, just as we would to help a friend or church member, and be the hands and feet of the living God to people everywhere
Every night since Daughter was less than 2 years old, I have prayed with her and told her that I'm proud of her. The discussion almost always ends with me reminding her, "You are sweet, and smart, and beautiful and loving and caring, and you and Jesus can change the world." It is my prayer that she will feel the desire to change the world because she has seen Christ do good works through me. I want my kids to have a heart for the nations, and to be able to put their problems and needs in perspective as they grow.
There are many practical ways we can all get involved, and I hope that everyone who reads this will be inspired to think about it. But I feel that in the wake of my personal tragedy, it is important to look for opportunities to live a better story from now on. One thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that ex-Husband legally gets to have the kids for 2+ weeks at a time twice in the summer. It breaks my heart to think about being away from my kids for that long, but I am starting to realize that would give me enough time to go on a short-term mission trip of some kind. My heart for missions has always beat steadily inside my chest, but while I was married, my husband had different priorities. So maybe God will provide the timing, the place, and the funds for me to serve in this way this summer. Please be praying for me in this situation that I will be patient to wait on God's timing and plan. I'll leave you with today's prayer for the lost ones in our lives.
"Father, I pray that you will enable ____________ to obey your commands and to love you with all of his/her heart, soul, mind and strength." Deut. 6:5
It saddens me to realize how mundane and uninspiring my life had become before we were struck with all this family drama. And if I thought I was focusing too much on my self and my own needs then, I wish I could show you what's been going on in my brain these last few months. I know it is necessary for us to re-evaluate ourselves, our faith, and what we want from life sometimes, but I'm ready to start turning that focus outward.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and whole, and happily ever after at this point in the journey, but I've had enough of the constant self-centeredness I've been clinging to. Enough whining, enough pity, enough being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. This new life I've been given in Christ can't stop at my rescue. He wants to use my pain and my past to help rescue others.
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
--Just as God has been good to me and brought me through my trouble and heartbreak, He expects me to help others to find justice and mercy, and to focus less on myself and more on how I can help others. There are many people around this world who are suffering far greater injustices than the one that has been done to me, and my pain binds me to them. My hurt for my own family makes me hurt for them and allows me to find new ways to minister to them. What good is suffering if we do nothing as a result?
I've read many verses about justice throughout this process, and I have seen that God has a heart for what is right and He hates it when His people are abused and mistreated. I should be equally as enraged at the wrongs being done around the world, and I have the ability to ask for God's power to help me make a difference.
Part of this morning's message was about real cases of human trafficking, of the AIDS crisis, and of orphans who have no homes. There are things we can do to help, and I am eager to get on board. I love knowing that we are called to a greater purpose than just to cry and pray and share our pain with the Christians around us as we all live our relatively comfortable lives. We are instead called to ban together, just as we would to help a friend or church member, and be the hands and feet of the living God to people everywhere
Every night since Daughter was less than 2 years old, I have prayed with her and told her that I'm proud of her. The discussion almost always ends with me reminding her, "You are sweet, and smart, and beautiful and loving and caring, and you and Jesus can change the world." It is my prayer that she will feel the desire to change the world because she has seen Christ do good works through me. I want my kids to have a heart for the nations, and to be able to put their problems and needs in perspective as they grow.
There are many practical ways we can all get involved, and I hope that everyone who reads this will be inspired to think about it. But I feel that in the wake of my personal tragedy, it is important to look for opportunities to live a better story from now on. One thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that ex-Husband legally gets to have the kids for 2+ weeks at a time twice in the summer. It breaks my heart to think about being away from my kids for that long, but I am starting to realize that would give me enough time to go on a short-term mission trip of some kind. My heart for missions has always beat steadily inside my chest, but while I was married, my husband had different priorities. So maybe God will provide the timing, the place, and the funds for me to serve in this way this summer. Please be praying for me in this situation that I will be patient to wait on God's timing and plan. I'll leave you with today's prayer for the lost ones in our lives.
"Father, I pray that you will enable ____________ to obey your commands and to love you with all of his/her heart, soul, mind and strength." Deut. 6:5
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Day 35: The Absence of Anger Indicates a Heart Change.
Today has been a good day, but last night was a different story. The kids are away for the weekend, and I still find myself missing them and wondering what to do when they aren't home with me. To add to that, I watched a show late last night that proved to be more frightening than usual. So I decided to move on to watching something that would serve to calm me down, but somehow the love story involved in that episode just made me more aware of my own loneliness. So there I sat, well after midnight, with tears spilling down my cheeks and an empty house.
THE ABSENCE OF ANGER INDICATES A HEART CHANGE.
Something very strange happened as I sat there, filled with sadness and self pity. I realized two things that were different than the last time I experienced one of these nights.
#1. I felt alone, but I wasn't angry.
I didn't sit and stew about how Ex-Husband had caused all of this, or how his girlfriend had stolen the joy and stability from our family. This was not a conscious decision, mind you. I didn't have to try to stop blaming them; I just didn't think about it.
#2. My heart ached, but not for Husband.
I don't miss him anymore. Sure, I wish there was a man around the house to help share the load, and seeing the mother, father and two kids riding their bikes down the street is almost too painful to bear, but I don't miss the man that left our home. I don't hate him or wish him misery either, I'm just not longing for him to come back.
I feel like these shifts in my perspective have come mostly from the prayers I've been sharing with you these past few days. It's getting easier to see them as humans trapped in sin than the people who destroyed my so-called happiness. It's also getting easier to believe my loved ones when they tell me that God has something better in store for me in the future. I have to admit that the verse I'm about to share is one that I feel is often overused. Go looking for a graduation gift at your nearest Christian bookstore, and you'll find these words inscribed on everything from paper weights to baseball caps. But- just like a song that is played too often may seem worn out but doesn't cease to be a good song, God's word is always true, whether we've heard it one time or one thousand. This is a time in the forgiveness journey where I feel it is extremely important for us to hear God's voice as He whispers these words to us.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Today's prayer is simple, but crucial.
Father, my heart's desire and my prayer is for ______________'s salvation. (Rom. 10:1)
THE ABSENCE OF ANGER INDICATES A HEART CHANGE.
Something very strange happened as I sat there, filled with sadness and self pity. I realized two things that were different than the last time I experienced one of these nights.
#1. I felt alone, but I wasn't angry.
I didn't sit and stew about how Ex-Husband had caused all of this, or how his girlfriend had stolen the joy and stability from our family. This was not a conscious decision, mind you. I didn't have to try to stop blaming them; I just didn't think about it.
#2. My heart ached, but not for Husband.
I don't miss him anymore. Sure, I wish there was a man around the house to help share the load, and seeing the mother, father and two kids riding their bikes down the street is almost too painful to bear, but I don't miss the man that left our home. I don't hate him or wish him misery either, I'm just not longing for him to come back.
I feel like these shifts in my perspective have come mostly from the prayers I've been sharing with you these past few days. It's getting easier to see them as humans trapped in sin than the people who destroyed my so-called happiness. It's also getting easier to believe my loved ones when they tell me that God has something better in store for me in the future. I have to admit that the verse I'm about to share is one that I feel is often overused. Go looking for a graduation gift at your nearest Christian bookstore, and you'll find these words inscribed on everything from paper weights to baseball caps. But- just like a song that is played too often may seem worn out but doesn't cease to be a good song, God's word is always true, whether we've heard it one time or one thousand. This is a time in the forgiveness journey where I feel it is extremely important for us to hear God's voice as He whispers these words to us.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Today's prayer is simple, but crucial.
Father, my heart's desire and my prayer is for ______________'s salvation. (Rom. 10:1)
Friday, November 13, 2009
Day 34: It's Your Own Freedom You're Fighting For
My computer is being obnoxious today, so I'm going to try to be less wordy and get down to business.
IT'S YOUR OWN FREEDOM YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR
As I've finally started to relinquish my own sense of justice and decided to instead learn to pray for my persecutors, another truth has become abundantly clear. Praying for them has no guaranteed result in their lives because they still have free will to continue in their destructive lifestyles if they so desire. These prayers do, however, promise to provide a new and much needed freedom in my own heart which will better equip me to move on with my life and minister to others. Again, I'll share with you words provided by Beth Moore.
Will the person you're praying for change? Will they receive the blessing you've mustered all the courage to ask God for? Maybe. Maybe not. That's up to them. But will your heart change, will you find freedom to forgive, and will you receive blessing? Absolutely! Take God at His word and find out.
"When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too. And when I forgive him (for whatever is to be forgiven), I do so with Christ's authority for your benefit, so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are very familiar with his evil schemes." 2 Corinthians 2:10-11
--In these verses, Paul explains that we should all forgive whatever has been done to us to make us more like Christ, and so that Satan loses his power over us. We know that Satan wants to destroy us and enslave us to sins- such as unforgiveness- and the best defense is a good offense. If we take forgiveness into our own hands by giving God the authority to change our hearts and by praying blessings over those who need it, the devil has no more room to interfere. Today's prayer for those who break my heart with their choices is below.
I pray for _____________ that you would give him/her the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that he/she may know You better. I pray also that the eyes of his/her heart may be enlightened in order that he/she may know the hope to which you have called him/her, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power to free those who believe.
(Eph. 1:17-19)
IT'S YOUR OWN FREEDOM YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR
As I've finally started to relinquish my own sense of justice and decided to instead learn to pray for my persecutors, another truth has become abundantly clear. Praying for them has no guaranteed result in their lives because they still have free will to continue in their destructive lifestyles if they so desire. These prayers do, however, promise to provide a new and much needed freedom in my own heart which will better equip me to move on with my life and minister to others. Again, I'll share with you words provided by Beth Moore.
Will the person you're praying for change? Will they receive the blessing you've mustered all the courage to ask God for? Maybe. Maybe not. That's up to them. But will your heart change, will you find freedom to forgive, and will you receive blessing? Absolutely! Take God at His word and find out.
"When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too. And when I forgive him (for whatever is to be forgiven), I do so with Christ's authority for your benefit, so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are very familiar with his evil schemes." 2 Corinthians 2:10-11
--In these verses, Paul explains that we should all forgive whatever has been done to us to make us more like Christ, and so that Satan loses his power over us. We know that Satan wants to destroy us and enslave us to sins- such as unforgiveness- and the best defense is a good offense. If we take forgiveness into our own hands by giving God the authority to change our hearts and by praying blessings over those who need it, the devil has no more room to interfere. Today's prayer for those who break my heart with their choices is below.
I pray for _____________ that you would give him/her the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that he/she may know You better. I pray also that the eyes of his/her heart may be enlightened in order that he/she may know the hope to which you have called him/her, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power to free those who believe.
(Eph. 1:17-19)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 33: Pray for the Person Who Hurt You.
I have to be honest with you. I did "Pray about the person...," the lesson leading up to this one several days ago, but I just had not been ready to pray for them until now. I do truly believe that God has used the last few days to prepare my heart to go from pouring out all of my heartache to Him to the next step in this process.
One week from today will be the end of this 40 day pilgrimage to find forgiveness in the heart of God and allow it to permeate my spirit to such a degree that my life is forever changed. I've got to tell you that there is still much progress to be made in these next seven days, but I feel sure that if I can really put today's lesson in to practice in my daily prayer time, I will reap great benefits almost immediately.
PRAY FOR THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
This lesson, again, comes from Beth Moore's book called Praying God's Word. It is a phenomenal book that teaches practical ways to use scripture based prayers to break common strongholds in the lives of both believers and nonbelievers. The most important question I can think to ask you before we approach this topic is, "Do you believe that the Bible is God's word and that it is true?" If you answered that question with a thoughtless, reflexive, "Yes," your faith may be in question by the time you read the following verses.
"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called, so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:9
--When I read this, I want desperately to skip over the words I bolded in the middle. I want to ask the Lord to bless me while I choose to ignore one of the highest callings of my Christian faith. This is so contrary to our human nature, so absurd to the rest of the world, that acting on it may just be enough to finally make my life look different from the lives of those who don't know Jesus.
"But I say to you who are listening, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who are cruel to you." Luke 6:27-28
"If you do good only to those who do good to you, what praise should you get? Even sinners do that!" Luke 6:33
--This passage goes on to promise us a great reward for doing these things, and I have to admit I'm looking forward to that. But I also must say that instead of underlining these verses in my bible with a pen, or highlighting them in neon, I'd really like to black them out with a sharpie. As if ignoring God's word has ever done me one bit of good in my life.
However- and this is the part that's really hard to swallow- I've committed my life to following Christ, and I know my heart will never be satisfied when I choose the way of disobedience. Not finding a way to forgive, and pray blessings for, the people who I'd like to credit with ruining my plan for my life is flat out disobedient, and I will not produce any good fruit while holding on to that sin. The book I mentioned earlier suggests several scripture inspired prayers to help us get started in praying for our offenders. For the rest of this journey, I will include one of those prayers daily, and I will pray it over those who have wounded me.
I pray for ___________ that he/she will not be carnally minded, which is death, but may he/she be spiritually minded, which is life and peace. (Romans 8:6)
One week from today will be the end of this 40 day pilgrimage to find forgiveness in the heart of God and allow it to permeate my spirit to such a degree that my life is forever changed. I've got to tell you that there is still much progress to be made in these next seven days, but I feel sure that if I can really put today's lesson in to practice in my daily prayer time, I will reap great benefits almost immediately.
PRAY FOR THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
This lesson, again, comes from Beth Moore's book called Praying God's Word. It is a phenomenal book that teaches practical ways to use scripture based prayers to break common strongholds in the lives of both believers and nonbelievers. The most important question I can think to ask you before we approach this topic is, "Do you believe that the Bible is God's word and that it is true?" If you answered that question with a thoughtless, reflexive, "Yes," your faith may be in question by the time you read the following verses.
"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called, so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:9
--When I read this, I want desperately to skip over the words I bolded in the middle. I want to ask the Lord to bless me while I choose to ignore one of the highest callings of my Christian faith. This is so contrary to our human nature, so absurd to the rest of the world, that acting on it may just be enough to finally make my life look different from the lives of those who don't know Jesus.
"But I say to you who are listening, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who are cruel to you." Luke 6:27-28
"If you do good only to those who do good to you, what praise should you get? Even sinners do that!" Luke 6:33
--This passage goes on to promise us a great reward for doing these things, and I have to admit I'm looking forward to that. But I also must say that instead of underlining these verses in my bible with a pen, or highlighting them in neon, I'd really like to black them out with a sharpie. As if ignoring God's word has ever done me one bit of good in my life.
However- and this is the part that's really hard to swallow- I've committed my life to following Christ, and I know my heart will never be satisfied when I choose the way of disobedience. Not finding a way to forgive, and pray blessings for, the people who I'd like to credit with ruining my plan for my life is flat out disobedient, and I will not produce any good fruit while holding on to that sin. The book I mentioned earlier suggests several scripture inspired prayers to help us get started in praying for our offenders. For the rest of this journey, I will include one of those prayers daily, and I will pray it over those who have wounded me.
I pray for ___________ that he/she will not be carnally minded, which is death, but may he/she be spiritually minded, which is life and peace. (Romans 8:6)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 32: The Pain is Only Part of the Process.
I thought I was going to have a hard time writing today. It's just been one of those days. I'm sure the fact that yesterday was amazing led to part of the let down of today's reality check, but I think I was probably just due for a little suffering. I didn't have any great spiritual revelations mingled into the mundane tasks of my day, and no one came in at just the right time with just the perfect encouraging word as I was rolling around in the mire of my circumstances. God wasn't absent, mind you, He just wasn't all that obvious either.
So this funk I'd been in led me to sit down for some alone time with God after tucking my sweet blessings into their beds. I sat for a moment, staring blankly at a stack of devotionals, bibles, concordances, and how-to manuals; wondering where to go for a fresh encounter with God. I opened one book and read the page marked with today's date, and it was moderately inspiring. I perused through my study bible, specifically stopping on the inserted page that emphasized forgiveness. Then, I followed Paul through a few chapters of Romans, gaining several new insights along the way.
I soon found my mind starting to wander, as it often does when you suffer from both ADD and sleep deprivation, to a friend of mine who has an unbelievably rough day ahead of her tomorrow. I found myself thinking that I needed to remember to pray for her, so I stopped my research and began to talk to God about her situation. I was quickly struck by the feeling that this situation was much too big to be covered with a passing prayer while sitting on my couch. So I got on the floor, on my face, in a posture more fitting for a sinner like me to be convening with a holy God.
You see, this friend is a single mother who adopted two adorable brothers from the foster care system when the youngest was an infant and the big brother around 3 years old. She has been an amazing mother to them, providing unconditional love and support, and raising them in a stable home and church environment. But with all her work and love, the oldest, now 6, has not been able to completely overcome some of the issues caused by abusive foster parents when he was still a toddler. Tomorrow, after exhausting every other outlet for therapy and help, she will take her sweet little boy to a residential treatment facility where he will have to remain for several months. She is heartbroken, he is afraid, and we all still know that this is God's best provision in this terrible situation.
As I lay there, face down asking for yet another miracle, I found myself asking God to take away their pain. Then, as I realized the absurdity of that request in relation to this situation I literally started to laugh out loud.
THE PAIN IS ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS.
Take it away? I thought, still slightly amused by the idea that I thought it possible for a mother to walk up to the doors of such a place, hand over her young son, kiss his forehead, and both of them cheerfully wave goodbye to each other without experiencing any pain. The pain has to be present, and it will be real. So how do I pray for them, knowing the kind of days and weeks they have coming?
I looked at my own life and realized that the pain I've experienced, just as the bible states, really has produced things like perseverance and renewed faith as we go through trials we never asked for or anticipated. So I will ask God, and expect Him, to produce all of those great gifts in my friend and her son. I will ask Him to use this situation of desperation and loneliness to draw that sweet boy so close to His heart that he can audibly hear it beating with the lavish love God has for him. I will ask that, through the pain, the mercy, and the sorrow, God will bind up their wounds and make theirs a story that displays His grace to all those around them. And I will pray for them, just as I've prayed for myself and my own children through our recent crisis, to simply keep breathing and knowing that God is in control.
"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."
Psalm 34: 18-19
So this funk I'd been in led me to sit down for some alone time with God after tucking my sweet blessings into their beds. I sat for a moment, staring blankly at a stack of devotionals, bibles, concordances, and how-to manuals; wondering where to go for a fresh encounter with God. I opened one book and read the page marked with today's date, and it was moderately inspiring. I perused through my study bible, specifically stopping on the inserted page that emphasized forgiveness. Then, I followed Paul through a few chapters of Romans, gaining several new insights along the way.
I soon found my mind starting to wander, as it often does when you suffer from both ADD and sleep deprivation, to a friend of mine who has an unbelievably rough day ahead of her tomorrow. I found myself thinking that I needed to remember to pray for her, so I stopped my research and began to talk to God about her situation. I was quickly struck by the feeling that this situation was much too big to be covered with a passing prayer while sitting on my couch. So I got on the floor, on my face, in a posture more fitting for a sinner like me to be convening with a holy God.
You see, this friend is a single mother who adopted two adorable brothers from the foster care system when the youngest was an infant and the big brother around 3 years old. She has been an amazing mother to them, providing unconditional love and support, and raising them in a stable home and church environment. But with all her work and love, the oldest, now 6, has not been able to completely overcome some of the issues caused by abusive foster parents when he was still a toddler. Tomorrow, after exhausting every other outlet for therapy and help, she will take her sweet little boy to a residential treatment facility where he will have to remain for several months. She is heartbroken, he is afraid, and we all still know that this is God's best provision in this terrible situation.
As I lay there, face down asking for yet another miracle, I found myself asking God to take away their pain. Then, as I realized the absurdity of that request in relation to this situation I literally started to laugh out loud.
THE PAIN IS ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS.
Take it away? I thought, still slightly amused by the idea that I thought it possible for a mother to walk up to the doors of such a place, hand over her young son, kiss his forehead, and both of them cheerfully wave goodbye to each other without experiencing any pain. The pain has to be present, and it will be real. So how do I pray for them, knowing the kind of days and weeks they have coming?
I looked at my own life and realized that the pain I've experienced, just as the bible states, really has produced things like perseverance and renewed faith as we go through trials we never asked for or anticipated. So I will ask God, and expect Him, to produce all of those great gifts in my friend and her son. I will ask Him to use this situation of desperation and loneliness to draw that sweet boy so close to His heart that he can audibly hear it beating with the lavish love God has for him. I will ask that, through the pain, the mercy, and the sorrow, God will bind up their wounds and make theirs a story that displays His grace to all those around them. And I will pray for them, just as I've prayed for myself and my own children through our recent crisis, to simply keep breathing and knowing that God is in control.
"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."
Psalm 34: 18-19
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 31: You Can't Expect Too Much of God.
As I'm living through this season in my life, I am learning much more about myself. I have a friend who jokes that by spending so much time reading, praying, and talking with my counselor, I am becoming an expert in me. I know, sounds like a lame self help book or a cheesy bumper sticker. But silly or not, I really am digging deeper into my own issues and mistakes in hopes that I will be able to avoid watching my history repeat itself.
One thing I have always faulted my self for is my idealistic nature. I have a tendency to see things, and people, the way I want them to be rather than the way they truly are. This is dangerous when I'm establishing relationships with people who are, just like the rest of us, flawed human beings living in a fallen world. So I need to learn to lower my expectations of people to coincide with the reality that there is not one of them who can rescue me. No person on this earth can really make it all better, save me from myself, or meet my deepest needs. I know that this is a mistake I made in my marriage when I expected that ex-Husband could change enough to fix all of our problems. I, of course, never would have admitted that I was asking him to fill the role that I knew in my mind only God was qualified for. I didn't even realize that I was asking God to do something in his heart that still wouldn't have made it all better. Because none of us can be made truly holy and whole until the day we meet our maker face to face.
I am right to be able to fully grasp, for the first time in my existence, that no matter how heroic a person is, there is not one out there who can fill me and love me the way I need. The down side to this realization, however, is that somewhere along this desert pilgrimage I began to believe I needed to lower my expectations of God as well. I felt like I had asked for too much, and that the Lord never promised us a long, happy life filled with perfect marriages and cookie cutter homes. He never said we would be healthy or wealthy if we followed Him with total devotion. So, what did He say? What can we expect from this God who rules the world we're trapped in for our human lifetimes?
YOU CAN'T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF GOD.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
--Jesus tells us why He came. The reason He left His place in the throne room of heaven, put on the flesh and the burdens of our world, and hung on that cross is simple. He wanted us to have full lives. Does a life of abundance always look like it's full to the outside world? Do the possessions, the people and the career create the fullness that Jesus described? I think we all know the answer to these questions, but it tends to lead us only to asking another. "OK, God, if the things so sought after and adored by our society don't make our lives full, then what does abundance really look like?"
I think we are supposed to ask this question. I actually think that we should be on our faces before the God of the universe, begging Him to show us that abundance. And we should expect that He will. As we ask Him to fill our lives with the "real thing" we must also believe that He will do just that.
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21
--In this passage, Paul is describing the faith of Abraham. He was not in a situation that made any sense, but it says he didn't waver. He knew God would deliver on His promise. Jesus promised that He could give us life to the full, so let's clothe ourselves in the faith of father Abraham, and begin to expect exactly that.
One thing I have always faulted my self for is my idealistic nature. I have a tendency to see things, and people, the way I want them to be rather than the way they truly are. This is dangerous when I'm establishing relationships with people who are, just like the rest of us, flawed human beings living in a fallen world. So I need to learn to lower my expectations of people to coincide with the reality that there is not one of them who can rescue me. No person on this earth can really make it all better, save me from myself, or meet my deepest needs. I know that this is a mistake I made in my marriage when I expected that ex-Husband could change enough to fix all of our problems. I, of course, never would have admitted that I was asking him to fill the role that I knew in my mind only God was qualified for. I didn't even realize that I was asking God to do something in his heart that still wouldn't have made it all better. Because none of us can be made truly holy and whole until the day we meet our maker face to face.
I am right to be able to fully grasp, for the first time in my existence, that no matter how heroic a person is, there is not one out there who can fill me and love me the way I need. The down side to this realization, however, is that somewhere along this desert pilgrimage I began to believe I needed to lower my expectations of God as well. I felt like I had asked for too much, and that the Lord never promised us a long, happy life filled with perfect marriages and cookie cutter homes. He never said we would be healthy or wealthy if we followed Him with total devotion. So, what did He say? What can we expect from this God who rules the world we're trapped in for our human lifetimes?
YOU CAN'T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF GOD.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
--Jesus tells us why He came. The reason He left His place in the throne room of heaven, put on the flesh and the burdens of our world, and hung on that cross is simple. He wanted us to have full lives. Does a life of abundance always look like it's full to the outside world? Do the possessions, the people and the career create the fullness that Jesus described? I think we all know the answer to these questions, but it tends to lead us only to asking another. "OK, God, if the things so sought after and adored by our society don't make our lives full, then what does abundance really look like?"
I think we are supposed to ask this question. I actually think that we should be on our faces before the God of the universe, begging Him to show us that abundance. And we should expect that He will. As we ask Him to fill our lives with the "real thing" we must also believe that He will do just that.
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21
--In this passage, Paul is describing the faith of Abraham. He was not in a situation that made any sense, but it says he didn't waver. He knew God would deliver on His promise. Jesus promised that He could give us life to the full, so let's clothe ourselves in the faith of father Abraham, and begin to expect exactly that.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Day 30: Don't miss the manna.
Today was back to reality. I tend to take the time on my weekends without kids to completely throw myself into some other world. That world is usually filled with fun, laughs, people who love me, and plenty of time alone with God. Then, like in most of your lives I presume, Monday comes, and the chaos begins.
The best thing, though, is that even when the alarm clock first blares on a Monday morning, His mercy is new. The grace is fresh, the leaves have changed, and the sun has once again risen on the rest of your life. God is still on the throne, Jesus still sits at His right hand, and this world we live in is still not our home. However, as we live here as aliens that sometimes feel trapped in a sick web of deceitful human error, the Lord still provides us with the words we need to hear at the exact moment that our ears begin to bleed for them. That's how today's lesson came about.
DON'T MISS THE MANNA.
While I was at work today, a dear friend, and faithful prayer warrior stopped by my office. She came directly from the prayer chapel, where she had spent her lunch break communing with the Lord, and said she just wanted to give me a hug. Now, hugs are wonderful, but if you knew this woman you would know that the Holy Spirit would never allow her to stop there. She told me she'd been reading this blog, and she inquired as to how things were going for me today. What was the condition of my heart?
As I started to tell her about the amazing blessings God has been pouring on my through this time of intense sadness, I told her that when this all started I was in a hurry to just get to the end. I knew these events and this process and this pain would eventually lead to some testimony of God's grace in my life, but I honestly just hoped I could skip the middle. As I know I'm not near finished with this journey of grieving and rebuilding, I am seeing God's hand even right here in the valley. This part of the process that I was so anxious to avoid is proving to be more bearable than I would have imagined.
While explaining this to my wise friend, she just nodded her head and smiled until my rambling stopped. And then, her response came to concisely bring meaning from all my nonsense. She said, "But if you could have skipped this part, you would have missed the manna."
In the book of Exodus, the Israelites were wandering around in desert wasteland, trying to trust God to lead them to the promise land. They were failing, and they were starving. They began to complain about the hunger that was ravaging their bodies, and God heard them.
God spoke to Moses,
"I've listened to the complaints of the Israelites. Now tell them: 'At dusk you will eat meat and at dawn you'll eat your fill of bread; and you'll realize that I am God, your God.'" That evening quail flew in and covered the camp and in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another, man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was. And these are God's instructions: 'Gather enough for each person, about two quarts per person; gather enough for everyone in your tent.'" The People of Israel went to work and started gathering, some more, some less, but when they measured out what they had gathered, those who gathered more had no extra and those who gathered less weren't short - each person had gathered as much as was needed.
Moses said to them, "Don't leave any of it until morning." Ex. 16:11-19 (The Message)
--As we wander through our own dry valleys and deserts in our lives, God gives us exactly what we need for the moment we need it. Just like He told the people not to try to save any of the manna for the next day, He tells us that we can't try to hoard enough grace or strength to last us all the way through this trial. Just as their manna fell from the sky each day, sweet and satisfying, God is able to provide for our every need and satisfy our every longing. As we ask Him to care for us, He brings a sense of joy and thanksgiving to us right here in the middle of the journey.
The best thing, though, is that even when the alarm clock first blares on a Monday morning, His mercy is new. The grace is fresh, the leaves have changed, and the sun has once again risen on the rest of your life. God is still on the throne, Jesus still sits at His right hand, and this world we live in is still not our home. However, as we live here as aliens that sometimes feel trapped in a sick web of deceitful human error, the Lord still provides us with the words we need to hear at the exact moment that our ears begin to bleed for them. That's how today's lesson came about.
DON'T MISS THE MANNA.
While I was at work today, a dear friend, and faithful prayer warrior stopped by my office. She came directly from the prayer chapel, where she had spent her lunch break communing with the Lord, and said she just wanted to give me a hug. Now, hugs are wonderful, but if you knew this woman you would know that the Holy Spirit would never allow her to stop there. She told me she'd been reading this blog, and she inquired as to how things were going for me today. What was the condition of my heart?
As I started to tell her about the amazing blessings God has been pouring on my through this time of intense sadness, I told her that when this all started I was in a hurry to just get to the end. I knew these events and this process and this pain would eventually lead to some testimony of God's grace in my life, but I honestly just hoped I could skip the middle. As I know I'm not near finished with this journey of grieving and rebuilding, I am seeing God's hand even right here in the valley. This part of the process that I was so anxious to avoid is proving to be more bearable than I would have imagined.
While explaining this to my wise friend, she just nodded her head and smiled until my rambling stopped. And then, her response came to concisely bring meaning from all my nonsense. She said, "But if you could have skipped this part, you would have missed the manna."
In the book of Exodus, the Israelites were wandering around in desert wasteland, trying to trust God to lead them to the promise land. They were failing, and they were starving. They began to complain about the hunger that was ravaging their bodies, and God heard them.
God spoke to Moses,
"I've listened to the complaints of the Israelites. Now tell them: 'At dusk you will eat meat and at dawn you'll eat your fill of bread; and you'll realize that I am God, your God.'" That evening quail flew in and covered the camp and in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another, man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was. And these are God's instructions: 'Gather enough for each person, about two quarts per person; gather enough for everyone in your tent.'" The People of Israel went to work and started gathering, some more, some less, but when they measured out what they had gathered, those who gathered more had no extra and those who gathered less weren't short - each person had gathered as much as was needed.
Moses said to them, "Don't leave any of it until morning." Ex. 16:11-19 (The Message)
--As we wander through our own dry valleys and deserts in our lives, God gives us exactly what we need for the moment we need it. Just like He told the people not to try to save any of the manna for the next day, He tells us that we can't try to hoard enough grace or strength to last us all the way through this trial. Just as their manna fell from the sky each day, sweet and satisfying, God is able to provide for our every need and satisfy our every longing. As we ask Him to care for us, He brings a sense of joy and thanksgiving to us right here in the middle of the journey.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Day 29
Too much, too much, too much. Praise God that today has been a culmination of so many truths and lessons He's been trying to teach me! It's as if so much has been made clear to me in the past 24 hours that I scarcely know where to begin. I'm going to do my best today to stick to the first revelation I had while visiting a different church this morning in order to witness a friend's baptism. This point is also the most related to the concept of forgiveness, so I'll save the rest for another day. Please thank the Lord with me for all the ways He's moving in this broken life of mine, and continue to ask Him to reveal more of Himself to my heart.
THEY'RE JUST SLAVES.
With yesterday's lesson, we talked about the importance of pouring out our hearts to God, even if it feels like we're just tattling on those who have hurt us at first. It is a step in the right direction to be able to get down to the nitty gritty with your Savior. Beth Moore teaches that before we are able to learn true forgiveness, we must go through the act of praying about the person who needs it. It's been a good thing that God taught her the forgiveness process in baby steps, because I simply couldn't have followed it any other way. We will get to this another day soon, but I think it's acceptable to tell you that the next step in Beth's book is to begin praying for the offender as opposed to just about them.
I have to admit that I didn't expect God to prepare me to do that in the way that he did this morning. I assumed that this idea, like most of the others in this project, would come to me as a painful truth about the way I'm called to live. I also figured that, like most of the other steps in this project, I would have a hard time applying this concept. I thought I'd have to force it at first. I imagined that I would have to constantly remind myself that these people needed prayer and that in order for my own healing to commence, I would have to learn to pray for them. I didn't want to, and I assumed it would be a very long time before my heart was conditioned to see their real needs and get past the damage they have done to my life. I was wrong.
Instead of this long, forced process of trying to learn to see Ex-Husband and his girlfriend as sinners in need of a Savior that would end in my genuine prayers for God to break their hearts, He took another route. While standing and singing a beautiful melody in a corporate worship experience I've been desperately missing lately, God broke my heart and opened my eyes. The words of the song alluded to a passage of scripture we would read later in the service.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve..." Isaiah 61:1-3a
--Though I don't remember the exact words we were singing, or even the title of the song, I experienced a paradigm shift that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the words spilled out of my mouth, and the tears spilled out of my eyes, somehow the anger and resentment flowed just as freely out of my heart. It felt as if you could have seen the trail of ashes going from my seat, down the aisle of the church, out the doors, and away with the wind. Those ashes represented the burning indignation I have been wrestling with in relation to the way I feel about the situation I'm in.
I have allowed myself to play the role of the lone victim, and that has clouded my vision and threatened to choke the life right out of me. When the anger and fear would rise inside of me, my breathing was physically labored, and the air felt too dense and heavy to inhale. I have spent months, if not years, gasping for air, and today the soot was stripped from my lungs. The air around me hadn't been the hindrance all this time. It was the blackened, grimy residue that had invaded my insides when I was grieving the death of my dreams. As I had watched my family destroyed like a house on fire, I had taken in much more of the toxic smoke than I had realized.
And there was the truth that cleared my lungs, broke my heart, and unclouded my vision. They are the poor, the captives, the prisoners. To believe that Ex-Husband and his girlfriend don't experience moments of overwhelming pain and sorrow is naive. No matter how far they have fallen, they are God's children, and people can't live the way they are living without occasional regret. They may just be in too deep to give in to the feelings of brokenness. If they were to allow God to show them the whole truth and the consequences of their actions, they would (in their minds) be left with nothing. The lie is all they have left, and they are clinging to it like the last piece of a sinking ship. They are prisoners of that darkness, and neither of them sees a way out.
Please don't think that I'm saying they are somehow not responsible for the choices and actions that led them to this point. But I am saying that at this point, they've handed over the reigns to the enemy, and he's the one piloting their ship today. Slaves. The bible says that we will all be slaves to something, and it is my heart's desire to be a slave only to Christ, who grants us freedom in it's truest form. But part of being a Christ-driven individual is having the ability to recognize the spiritual warfare all around me, and to sincerely pray for those who are losing the battle. How can I not be crushed to see that the man I married, the father of my children, is giving up the fight? He has, like so many others, accepted what he sees as his only fate, taken on the heavy yoke of being a slave to sin, and relinquished his will to that of his master. I'm no longer enraged, but I am somehow empowered. I know that my God is strong enough to break the chains that bind these two people to their sin and shame. I will pray that He will do just that in both of their lives until the day comes when they are truly free from the weight of this world and their own self-condemnation. Please join me in praying this over all those in this world who are serving the wrong master.
THEY'RE JUST SLAVES.
With yesterday's lesson, we talked about the importance of pouring out our hearts to God, even if it feels like we're just tattling on those who have hurt us at first. It is a step in the right direction to be able to get down to the nitty gritty with your Savior. Beth Moore teaches that before we are able to learn true forgiveness, we must go through the act of praying about the person who needs it. It's been a good thing that God taught her the forgiveness process in baby steps, because I simply couldn't have followed it any other way. We will get to this another day soon, but I think it's acceptable to tell you that the next step in Beth's book is to begin praying for the offender as opposed to just about them.
I have to admit that I didn't expect God to prepare me to do that in the way that he did this morning. I assumed that this idea, like most of the others in this project, would come to me as a painful truth about the way I'm called to live. I also figured that, like most of the other steps in this project, I would have a hard time applying this concept. I thought I'd have to force it at first. I imagined that I would have to constantly remind myself that these people needed prayer and that in order for my own healing to commence, I would have to learn to pray for them. I didn't want to, and I assumed it would be a very long time before my heart was conditioned to see their real needs and get past the damage they have done to my life. I was wrong.
Instead of this long, forced process of trying to learn to see Ex-Husband and his girlfriend as sinners in need of a Savior that would end in my genuine prayers for God to break their hearts, He took another route. While standing and singing a beautiful melody in a corporate worship experience I've been desperately missing lately, God broke my heart and opened my eyes. The words of the song alluded to a passage of scripture we would read later in the service.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve..." Isaiah 61:1-3a
--Though I don't remember the exact words we were singing, or even the title of the song, I experienced a paradigm shift that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the words spilled out of my mouth, and the tears spilled out of my eyes, somehow the anger and resentment flowed just as freely out of my heart. It felt as if you could have seen the trail of ashes going from my seat, down the aisle of the church, out the doors, and away with the wind. Those ashes represented the burning indignation I have been wrestling with in relation to the way I feel about the situation I'm in.
I have allowed myself to play the role of the lone victim, and that has clouded my vision and threatened to choke the life right out of me. When the anger and fear would rise inside of me, my breathing was physically labored, and the air felt too dense and heavy to inhale. I have spent months, if not years, gasping for air, and today the soot was stripped from my lungs. The air around me hadn't been the hindrance all this time. It was the blackened, grimy residue that had invaded my insides when I was grieving the death of my dreams. As I had watched my family destroyed like a house on fire, I had taken in much more of the toxic smoke than I had realized.
And there was the truth that cleared my lungs, broke my heart, and unclouded my vision. They are the poor, the captives, the prisoners. To believe that Ex-Husband and his girlfriend don't experience moments of overwhelming pain and sorrow is naive. No matter how far they have fallen, they are God's children, and people can't live the way they are living without occasional regret. They may just be in too deep to give in to the feelings of brokenness. If they were to allow God to show them the whole truth and the consequences of their actions, they would (in their minds) be left with nothing. The lie is all they have left, and they are clinging to it like the last piece of a sinking ship. They are prisoners of that darkness, and neither of them sees a way out.
Please don't think that I'm saying they are somehow not responsible for the choices and actions that led them to this point. But I am saying that at this point, they've handed over the reigns to the enemy, and he's the one piloting their ship today. Slaves. The bible says that we will all be slaves to something, and it is my heart's desire to be a slave only to Christ, who grants us freedom in it's truest form. But part of being a Christ-driven individual is having the ability to recognize the spiritual warfare all around me, and to sincerely pray for those who are losing the battle. How can I not be crushed to see that the man I married, the father of my children, is giving up the fight? He has, like so many others, accepted what he sees as his only fate, taken on the heavy yoke of being a slave to sin, and relinquished his will to that of his master. I'm no longer enraged, but I am somehow empowered. I know that my God is strong enough to break the chains that bind these two people to their sin and shame. I will pray that He will do just that in both of their lives until the day comes when they are truly free from the weight of this world and their own self-condemnation. Please join me in praying this over all those in this world who are serving the wrong master.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day 28
This weekend has been good. I've had the chance to get out of town again, and I enjoyed spending time with the friends and family I saw along the way. Today's lesson comes directly from Beth Moore in her book entitled Praying God's Word. There is an entire section in the book devoted to teaching us to overcome unforgiveness.
LEARN TO PRAY ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
If you read through the entire book of Psalms, you would see many different feelings and events as they were penned by David. This David made some huge mistakes in his life, and he was able to experience the overwhelming forgiveness and mercy of God in response to his sin and repentance. One thing we see many times throughout the Psalms is David pouring his heart out to God in a real, intimate way.
"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble." Psalm 62:8
--We are supposed to call out to God and tell Him what has been done to us. We are allowed to complain and vent to Him because He is big enough to hear our prayers and handle our enemies in His own just, righteous way.
Much like the exercise in writing down reasons we are angry, expressing these problems to God helps to get them out of our hearts. We then need to truly lay these burdens down. We should not try to pick them back up tomorrow, next week, or next year. Once we've said our piece, God is in control, and we relinquish our hold on them.
Beth Moore says that there are 2 important things that happen when we learn to pray honestly about the person who has hurt us:
1. We pour the hurt out rather than allowing it to remain and turn bitter.
2. We articulate our own feelings, thereby placing them in view before our own eyes as well as God's.
Talking things out with God can help us to see the truth about what has been done to us and what needs to be forgiven. I plan to sit down and tell God just how deeply I've been wounded so that He may continue to heal the pain. Getting the toxins out of my heart is a high priority right now, and when it is done, I will be able to take one more step forward on this rocky road of forgiveness.
LEARN TO PRAY ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
If you read through the entire book of Psalms, you would see many different feelings and events as they were penned by David. This David made some huge mistakes in his life, and he was able to experience the overwhelming forgiveness and mercy of God in response to his sin and repentance. One thing we see many times throughout the Psalms is David pouring his heart out to God in a real, intimate way.
"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble." Psalm 62:8
--We are supposed to call out to God and tell Him what has been done to us. We are allowed to complain and vent to Him because He is big enough to hear our prayers and handle our enemies in His own just, righteous way.
Much like the exercise in writing down reasons we are angry, expressing these problems to God helps to get them out of our hearts. We then need to truly lay these burdens down. We should not try to pick them back up tomorrow, next week, or next year. Once we've said our piece, God is in control, and we relinquish our hold on them.
Beth Moore says that there are 2 important things that happen when we learn to pray honestly about the person who has hurt us:
1. We pour the hurt out rather than allowing it to remain and turn bitter.
2. We articulate our own feelings, thereby placing them in view before our own eyes as well as God's.
Talking things out with God can help us to see the truth about what has been done to us and what needs to be forgiven. I plan to sit down and tell God just how deeply I've been wounded so that He may continue to heal the pain. Getting the toxins out of my heart is a high priority right now, and when it is done, I will be able to take one more step forward on this rocky road of forgiveness.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day 27
Today was mostly about continuing to meditate on the verses and lesson we discussed yesterday. Some of these concepts take more time than others to really sink in. It is incredibly important to take the time to fully grasp the depth of the lessons God brings us in order to make a lasting change in our lives. This brings me to today's short but necessary lesson.
UNDERSTAND EACH STEP IN THE PROCESS BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
"Give me understanding according to your word." Psalm 119:169
--Let's go back and read yesterday's scripture again, and pray that God will help us to understand it the way that He intended. Let's pray that He will reveal new truths to us about who needs to be forgiven in each of our hearts, and that He will provide the strength needed to accomplish such an arduous task.
UNDERSTAND EACH STEP IN THE PROCESS BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
"Give me understanding according to your word." Psalm 119:169
--Let's go back and read yesterday's scripture again, and pray that God will help us to understand it the way that He intended. Let's pray that He will reveal new truths to us about who needs to be forgiven in each of our hearts, and that He will provide the strength needed to accomplish such an arduous task.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 26
Though today has been just fine for the most part, the lesson is going to be hard to share. This is something I actually felt God speak to my heart several days ago, but I had to chew on it for a long time before feeling like I could write it down.
I'd much rather spend today talking about how amazing God is to provide me with such an incredible support system. Last night, I was showered with cards, gifts, texts, calls, and encouragement from my friends and family. As difficult as this situation has been, it has shown such a testimony of God's faithfulness to surround us with a great cloud of witnesses who help carry our burdens and celebrate our successes. For that, I am beyond grateful.
Now, it's time to stop procrastinating and tell you what I'm learning.
SELECTIVE FORGIVENESS DOESN'T COUNT.
Did I already say that I despise this lesson? I also must admit that I don't fully grasp it, and I definitely haven't been able to apply it yet. But I feel like it's a very important concept, and I have started praying that God would teach me to follow it.
I entered this journey expecting to learn about the process of forgiveness. I planned to start by trying to forgive Husband, then, after that was done I would start the process with others in my life who also needed my forgiveness. You know... I was setting attainable goals. Taking things one step at a time, and all that jazz. I never stopped to consider that my idea of how to tackle this problem in my life may not be in line with scriptural standards. I also know that I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have things all figured out; and you may completely disagree with my interpretation of the following verses. Please, please, correct me if I'm wrong because I'd love to hear about an easier way to follow biblical precepts and receive God's blessings in my life.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:24-25
--We read and discussed these verses in Sunday school last week, and things got interesting. One of the most godly, faithful prayer warriors I know brought up the point that the first of these two verses is hard to swallow because we have all asked, and earnestly begged for things while believing that God would answer those prayers. She was obviously not talking about praying for things that are frivolous or outside of what we believe to be God's will. In fact, I feel like she was thinking about how fervently she had prayed for the Lord to break my husband's heart, cause him to repent, and restore our family the way that scripture describes.
And then, after hearing these verses for what seemed like the 100th time, it hit me. These two verses are put together for a reason. Jesus told us that God can provide for us anything and everything we ask for in prayer. We tend to get stuck on the part about believing that God will do this. That can certainly be a struggle for everyone, but I feel that it is easier to overcome unbelief than it is to follow the next stipulation.
There is a reason that verse 25 begins with a conjunction. The word "and" at the beginning indicates that this verse is a continuation of the thought in the sentence before. We know that the sin in our lives is what separates us from a Holy God, and it is important to confess those sins in order to receive forgiveness. After we confess those sins, the door is again opened for God to hear our prayers and communicate back to us. When there is too much sin in the way, our means of communicating with God are blocked.
Jesus stated that when we pray, we must first forgive ANYTHING we are holding against ANYONE in order to allow God's forgiveness to cover our own sins. It seems to me that means that if we refuse to forgive anyone, that blocks the communication, and we should not expect God to answer any of the other prayers we bring to Him. So, we can spend days or weeks on our knees on behalf of our own needs or the needs of those we love, but if our hearts are plagued with unforgiveness for even one person, no amount of faith or time will make a difference.
Now do you see how much I wish I hadn't thought about these truths? It makes me realize that I can't work my hardest to forgive Husband, then expect a gold star from God. I have to forgive them all. I need to be learning, and working, and asking God to help me forgive the woman who lured my husband away from his family. I need let go of some other grudges I have held onto like a security blanket for most of my life. It's time to stop keeping score. To surrender the hurt to the One who can heal. To remember that no human will ever live up to the standards of perfection I have allowed myself to long for. It's time to forgive not the one but the many, just the way that Jesus forgave the crowd of sinners that stood before Him at the cross as well as all of us who would not be born for thousands of years to come.
I'd much rather spend today talking about how amazing God is to provide me with such an incredible support system. Last night, I was showered with cards, gifts, texts, calls, and encouragement from my friends and family. As difficult as this situation has been, it has shown such a testimony of God's faithfulness to surround us with a great cloud of witnesses who help carry our burdens and celebrate our successes. For that, I am beyond grateful.
Now, it's time to stop procrastinating and tell you what I'm learning.
SELECTIVE FORGIVENESS DOESN'T COUNT.
Did I already say that I despise this lesson? I also must admit that I don't fully grasp it, and I definitely haven't been able to apply it yet. But I feel like it's a very important concept, and I have started praying that God would teach me to follow it.
I entered this journey expecting to learn about the process of forgiveness. I planned to start by trying to forgive Husband, then, after that was done I would start the process with others in my life who also needed my forgiveness. You know... I was setting attainable goals. Taking things one step at a time, and all that jazz. I never stopped to consider that my idea of how to tackle this problem in my life may not be in line with scriptural standards. I also know that I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have things all figured out; and you may completely disagree with my interpretation of the following verses. Please, please, correct me if I'm wrong because I'd love to hear about an easier way to follow biblical precepts and receive God's blessings in my life.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:24-25
--We read and discussed these verses in Sunday school last week, and things got interesting. One of the most godly, faithful prayer warriors I know brought up the point that the first of these two verses is hard to swallow because we have all asked, and earnestly begged for things while believing that God would answer those prayers. She was obviously not talking about praying for things that are frivolous or outside of what we believe to be God's will. In fact, I feel like she was thinking about how fervently she had prayed for the Lord to break my husband's heart, cause him to repent, and restore our family the way that scripture describes.
And then, after hearing these verses for what seemed like the 100th time, it hit me. These two verses are put together for a reason. Jesus told us that God can provide for us anything and everything we ask for in prayer. We tend to get stuck on the part about believing that God will do this. That can certainly be a struggle for everyone, but I feel that it is easier to overcome unbelief than it is to follow the next stipulation.
There is a reason that verse 25 begins with a conjunction. The word "and" at the beginning indicates that this verse is a continuation of the thought in the sentence before. We know that the sin in our lives is what separates us from a Holy God, and it is important to confess those sins in order to receive forgiveness. After we confess those sins, the door is again opened for God to hear our prayers and communicate back to us. When there is too much sin in the way, our means of communicating with God are blocked.
Jesus stated that when we pray, we must first forgive ANYTHING we are holding against ANYONE in order to allow God's forgiveness to cover our own sins. It seems to me that means that if we refuse to forgive anyone, that blocks the communication, and we should not expect God to answer any of the other prayers we bring to Him. So, we can spend days or weeks on our knees on behalf of our own needs or the needs of those we love, but if our hearts are plagued with unforgiveness for even one person, no amount of faith or time will make a difference.
Now do you see how much I wish I hadn't thought about these truths? It makes me realize that I can't work my hardest to forgive Husband, then expect a gold star from God. I have to forgive them all. I need to be learning, and working, and asking God to help me forgive the woman who lured my husband away from his family. I need let go of some other grudges I have held onto like a security blanket for most of my life. It's time to stop keeping score. To surrender the hurt to the One who can heal. To remember that no human will ever live up to the standards of perfection I have allowed myself to long for. It's time to forgive not the one but the many, just the way that Jesus forgave the crowd of sinners that stood before Him at the cross as well as all of us who would not be born for thousands of years to come.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Day 25
Today we're jumping right in to the lesson.
THE PEACE IS REAL
Have you ever been faced with a situation that you didn't think you would possibly get through? Did you have the thought- after it was over- that you were able to handle much more than you ever imagined possible? Did you pat yourself on the back for remaining so calm in the crisis, or believe that you must be much stronger than you gave yourself credit for? While you were in that valley, that pit, that rock bottom experience, was anyone praying for you? Do you think they may have been using these biblical promises as the basis for their prayers?
"With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:19
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I can tell you honestly that I have prayed these verses over people I love many times, and I have counted on God to deliver that power and that peace. But, until today, I can't remember ever experiencing it so tangibly in my own life. How else do you explain the fact that I walked into the lawyer's office and signed the papers; walked in to the court house and appeared before the judge; walked out of his chambers a single mother; and never had a moment of panic, fear or doubt? That is the peace that transcends all understanding. That was God working in my heart to calm me and protect me through a time of grief and stress. To all of you who I know prayed for these things specifically- thank you from the bottom of my heart! To any of you who could use this kind of power and peace in your own lives but have never been a part of it- ask, and you shall receive! I will be able to forgive Husband because it's not my ballgame anymore. I'm still learning to let go of the reigns, but as long as God is on the throne and I am bathed in prayer, the forgiving spirit will come like the rain.
THE PEACE IS REAL
Have you ever been faced with a situation that you didn't think you would possibly get through? Did you have the thought- after it was over- that you were able to handle much more than you ever imagined possible? Did you pat yourself on the back for remaining so calm in the crisis, or believe that you must be much stronger than you gave yourself credit for? While you were in that valley, that pit, that rock bottom experience, was anyone praying for you? Do you think they may have been using these biblical promises as the basis for their prayers?
"With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:19
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I can tell you honestly that I have prayed these verses over people I love many times, and I have counted on God to deliver that power and that peace. But, until today, I can't remember ever experiencing it so tangibly in my own life. How else do you explain the fact that I walked into the lawyer's office and signed the papers; walked in to the court house and appeared before the judge; walked out of his chambers a single mother; and never had a moment of panic, fear or doubt? That is the peace that transcends all understanding. That was God working in my heart to calm me and protect me through a time of grief and stress. To all of you who I know prayed for these things specifically- thank you from the bottom of my heart! To any of you who could use this kind of power and peace in your own lives but have never been a part of it- ask, and you shall receive! I will be able to forgive Husband because it's not my ballgame anymore. I'm still learning to let go of the reigns, but as long as God is on the throne and I am bathed in prayer, the forgiving spirit will come like the rain.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day 24
Today turned out to be much more eventful than I imagined. First, sweet baby Son woke up with a fever of 102. We dropped off Daughter at preschool, and then we stayed home for a morning of sad fussing and sweet cuddling. If you aren't a parent, you will think this sounds awful but as much as I hate it when my kids are sick, I secretly treasure the time they want to spend wrapped up in my arms. Most days they are simply too busy for that. I wonder if that's how God feels about us. He hates seeing us in painful circumstances, but He loves the closeness it often brings to our relationship because we are too desperate to go it alone.
So the late afternoon entailed a very long, arduous trip to the doctor, and a diagnosis that my precious boy is pretty sick. Somewhere amid dragging him to the medical supply store and getting instructions on giving breathing treatments, the lawyer's office finally called. They said that I have a court date! For tomorrow morning, in fact. I'll go in at 8:30 to finalize the divorce, and then that part will be behind us. Thank you for your prayers thus far, and knowing that I will be showered with them as I go about the proceedings tomorrow is more encouraging than you know. Which brings me to the lesson of the day.
TIME WILL KEEP PASSING, AND YOU WILL KEEP HEALING.
I remember so vividly how the first couple of months of my separation passed so slowly it was excruciating. I was simply trying to survive the time between rolling out of bed in the morning and crawling back in to it at night. The days felt like years, and I couldn't imagine how I could go on much longer.
I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the past several weeks the pace started to pick up a little. There are still certainly days, events and moments when it feels like I'm living in a version of The Never Ending Story, but routines have started to form out of the chaos. And comfort has become a concept I can occasionally see again in the present tense. And the leaves are changing, the wind is blowing, and life is going on.
"I am no longer sorry that I sent that letter to you, though I was sorry for a time, for I know that it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to have remorse and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish the wrongdoer. You showed that you have done everything you could to make things right." 2 Cor. 8-11
--Paul said this to the church at Corinth after he sent a letter rebuking them for the wrongs in their lives. I believe that God looks at my life and says essentially the same thing. He's sorry that He had to allow this to happen to me, but the pain, the sorrow and the anguish will be short lived. He is using those things to produce qualities in me that can point others toward salvation, and that will make my joy in Him complete. So as I step out of that courthouse tomorrow, my story will not end. This is the part God wrote in to bring about a change in me that will make mine a story worth telling.
So the late afternoon entailed a very long, arduous trip to the doctor, and a diagnosis that my precious boy is pretty sick. Somewhere amid dragging him to the medical supply store and getting instructions on giving breathing treatments, the lawyer's office finally called. They said that I have a court date! For tomorrow morning, in fact. I'll go in at 8:30 to finalize the divorce, and then that part will be behind us. Thank you for your prayers thus far, and knowing that I will be showered with them as I go about the proceedings tomorrow is more encouraging than you know. Which brings me to the lesson of the day.
TIME WILL KEEP PASSING, AND YOU WILL KEEP HEALING.
I remember so vividly how the first couple of months of my separation passed so slowly it was excruciating. I was simply trying to survive the time between rolling out of bed in the morning and crawling back in to it at night. The days felt like years, and I couldn't imagine how I could go on much longer.
I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the past several weeks the pace started to pick up a little. There are still certainly days, events and moments when it feels like I'm living in a version of The Never Ending Story, but routines have started to form out of the chaos. And comfort has become a concept I can occasionally see again in the present tense. And the leaves are changing, the wind is blowing, and life is going on.
"I am no longer sorry that I sent that letter to you, though I was sorry for a time, for I know that it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to have remorse and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish the wrongdoer. You showed that you have done everything you could to make things right." 2 Cor. 8-11
--Paul said this to the church at Corinth after he sent a letter rebuking them for the wrongs in their lives. I believe that God looks at my life and says essentially the same thing. He's sorry that He had to allow this to happen to me, but the pain, the sorrow and the anguish will be short lived. He is using those things to produce qualities in me that can point others toward salvation, and that will make my joy in Him complete. So as I step out of that courthouse tomorrow, my story will not end. This is the part God wrote in to bring about a change in me that will make mine a story worth telling.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day 23
Today I've been impatient about getting a court date. That impatience hasn't gotten me even one step closer to finalizing the divorce, so I had to admit that there must be a reason for this timing "glitch" and let it go. When we do get a date, I'll be sure to post it so that you can all be praying that day.
I've been blessed with great reading material that has provided ample inspiration in recent days, and it may be difficult to channel it into a cohesive lesson. But I know that the timing of reading, hearing, and learning these concepts simultaneously is providing the momentum I so desperately need to find a purpose in this pain. So I will try to convey my swirl of thoughts and revelations in a way that might also provide some insight for all those reading along and joining me in this forgiveness project.
DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE WRITE YOUR STORY.
One book that I'm reading and loving right now is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It is about how every one's life is like a story, and we can either become the co-author of our lives along with God, or we can end up playing a supporting role in a story controlled by someone else. Husband is living a very dark, sad, lonely story right now. I got sucked in to being part of that story for a while, but this divorce is my opportunity to refocus on the story I want my life to tell. And this part- this painful stage where I'm often lost and confused- is an opportunity for the main character to grow and be changed in remarkable ways.
So, what do I want my story, my life, to say? I know that I want it to speak much less of my glory and much more of God's. I know that I want people to look at the struggles, the heartache, and the sad circumstances I've encountered and still leave with the hope for a happy ending. Does that happy ending need to involve me riding off into the sunset with some new, amazing man? Is romantic companionship really the main goal and desire in my heart? No. I won't lie to you and say that it wouldn't be nice to have someday, but there is only one main goal that this protagonist aspires to reach on a daily basis. Bring God praise, and point other wanderers to His merciful love. If I can keep this in mind as I go through the motions of trying to hold my life together, I can see the importance of forgiving more clearly.
"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
--I think I've used this one in a previous post, but I have to repeat it to myself about a thousand times a day if I want to remember the point of my story.
If you want to know about a character who's life told a great story, read about Stephen in Acts 6-7. His story has always been a favorite of mine because he lived and died bringing glory to God and professing biblical truth. I hope you will take the time to read the whole story, but I thought I'd include my favorite part as translated in The Message. At this point, Stephen had been brought before an angry crowd and falsely accused of blasphemy. Instead of standing up and defending himself and telling his own story, he basically took that opportunity to tell the entire bible- from Abraham to Christ- to all those who would listen. Here's how that ended:
"At that point they went wild, a rioting mob of catcalls and whistles and invective. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed - he only had eyes for God, whom he saw in all his glory with Jesus standing at his side. He said, "Oh! I see heaven wide open and the Son of Man standing at God's side!" Yelling and hissing, the mob drowned him out. Now in full stampede, they dragged him out of town and pelted him with rocks. The ringleaders took off their coats and asked a young man named Saul to watch them. As the rocks rained down, Stephen prayed, "Master Jesus, take my life." Then he knelt down, praying loud enough for everyone to hear, "Master, don't blame them for this sin" - his last words. Then he died. Saul was right there, congratulating the killers. " Acts 7:54-60
--Please don't think for a moment that I'm comparing the circumstances surrounding my divorce to being stoned by an angry mob. I also have to admit that suffering physical pain and death as a martyr for the Lord is not how I hope my story will end. It's Stephen's passion and purpose and faith that inspire me to write a better story for myself. And I know that no story can point to God the way Stephen's does when the main character is focused on bitterness or revenge. It is my hope that as I continue to face difficult situations in which I could easily dwell on my pain and my loss, I will instead be able to fix my gaze on my God the way Stephen did so beautifully.
I've been blessed with great reading material that has provided ample inspiration in recent days, and it may be difficult to channel it into a cohesive lesson. But I know that the timing of reading, hearing, and learning these concepts simultaneously is providing the momentum I so desperately need to find a purpose in this pain. So I will try to convey my swirl of thoughts and revelations in a way that might also provide some insight for all those reading along and joining me in this forgiveness project.
DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE WRITE YOUR STORY.
One book that I'm reading and loving right now is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It is about how every one's life is like a story, and we can either become the co-author of our lives along with God, or we can end up playing a supporting role in a story controlled by someone else. Husband is living a very dark, sad, lonely story right now. I got sucked in to being part of that story for a while, but this divorce is my opportunity to refocus on the story I want my life to tell. And this part- this painful stage where I'm often lost and confused- is an opportunity for the main character to grow and be changed in remarkable ways.
So, what do I want my story, my life, to say? I know that I want it to speak much less of my glory and much more of God's. I know that I want people to look at the struggles, the heartache, and the sad circumstances I've encountered and still leave with the hope for a happy ending. Does that happy ending need to involve me riding off into the sunset with some new, amazing man? Is romantic companionship really the main goal and desire in my heart? No. I won't lie to you and say that it wouldn't be nice to have someday, but there is only one main goal that this protagonist aspires to reach on a daily basis. Bring God praise, and point other wanderers to His merciful love. If I can keep this in mind as I go through the motions of trying to hold my life together, I can see the importance of forgiving more clearly.
"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
--I think I've used this one in a previous post, but I have to repeat it to myself about a thousand times a day if I want to remember the point of my story.
If you want to know about a character who's life told a great story, read about Stephen in Acts 6-7. His story has always been a favorite of mine because he lived and died bringing glory to God and professing biblical truth. I hope you will take the time to read the whole story, but I thought I'd include my favorite part as translated in The Message. At this point, Stephen had been brought before an angry crowd and falsely accused of blasphemy. Instead of standing up and defending himself and telling his own story, he basically took that opportunity to tell the entire bible- from Abraham to Christ- to all those who would listen. Here's how that ended:
"At that point they went wild, a rioting mob of catcalls and whistles and invective. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed - he only had eyes for God, whom he saw in all his glory with Jesus standing at his side. He said, "Oh! I see heaven wide open and the Son of Man standing at God's side!" Yelling and hissing, the mob drowned him out. Now in full stampede, they dragged him out of town and pelted him with rocks. The ringleaders took off their coats and asked a young man named Saul to watch them. As the rocks rained down, Stephen prayed, "Master Jesus, take my life." Then he knelt down, praying loud enough for everyone to hear, "Master, don't blame them for this sin" - his last words. Then he died. Saul was right there, congratulating the killers. " Acts 7:54-60
--Please don't think for a moment that I'm comparing the circumstances surrounding my divorce to being stoned by an angry mob. I also have to admit that suffering physical pain and death as a martyr for the Lord is not how I hope my story will end. It's Stephen's passion and purpose and faith that inspire me to write a better story for myself. And I know that no story can point to God the way Stephen's does when the main character is focused on bitterness or revenge. It is my hope that as I continue to face difficult situations in which I could easily dwell on my pain and my loss, I will instead be able to fix my gaze on my God the way Stephen did so beautifully.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 22
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. It was Saturday; it was Halloween; I had house guests; blah, blah, blah. The truth is that I didn't take the time to make it a priority until around 2:00 am, and by then I couldn't interrupt the defragging process that had been started hours before. And I also couldn't wait until it finished because by then I was dead mom walking.
So today I'll try to cover a bit about the last 2 days. Tomorrow I should hear back from the lawyer about setting a new court date, so please continue to pray that happens this week. The waiting is driving me batty. Also please keep praying for my babies and their precious hearts as they adjust to the idea that Daddy really isn't coming back.
Holidays are hard. I anticipated that they would be, but yesterday was surprisingly difficult. I guess I hadn't given much thought to Halloween feeling like an actual holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas. But I have children who love the chance to dress up and party, so a holiday it was. I felt the sense of loss while watching the kids run around in costume, me snapping pictures as often as possible. I hosted a party at my house for the fourth year in a row, though this year there was one less member of our family in attendance. I was surrounded by wonderful friends, most of whom really put on the party without requiring me to stress about logistics. I have always loved entertaining. Having a house full of people for celebrations seems almost a genetic need for the women in my family, and I usually jump at the opportunity to play the hostess. This presents me with today's lesson.
DOING THE BEST YOU CAN IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
I realize this makes little sense, so I'll try to explain. As I stated above, I usually love big groups, parties, and the fun that comes with social activities. I have always been comfortable in these situations. I hope I'm not one who demands to be the center of attention, but I've never minded a little time in the spotlight, either. I've been performing on stages for most of my life, and I spent the last few years of my marriage participating in an elaborate charade to portray a happy family when I knew we were crumbling behind the scenes.
Ever since Husband left, I find myself unable to put on the mask. This is, of course, freeing in a way. I like being able to be more genuine, and it helps so much to finally let others in on my struggles, my needs, and my feelings. However, the inability to maintain my "I'm fine" facade has left me feeling like the girl who accidentally shows up naked to the pep rally in most social situations lately. Last night I wished I had made costumes mandatory for adults as well at our Halloween party, thinking that a literal mask would have made the role play easier on me. And at other moments, I wanted to go hide in the bathroom at my own house until the excitement died down.
I know I'm going to be okay, and I have many moments where I really do feel good, and hopeful and just enjoy laughing and chatting with friends and family. But my point is that there are times when you just can't "fake it 'til you make it." That, in fact, goes against biblical principles, and God never encourages us to be anything but humble and genuine as we live our lives. But I also believe that He wants us to go on and really live, even when we're facing trials.
"As Peter was traveling through all the area, he visited God's people who lived in Lydda. There he met a man named Aeneas, who was paralyzed and had not been able to leave his bed for the past eight years. Peter said to him, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Stand up and make your bed.' Aeneas stood up immediately. All the people living in Lydda and on the Plain of Sharon saw him and turned to the Lord." Acts 9:32-35
--I find it interesting that this short, seemingly unremarkable story is included in the same chapter of Acts as Saul's conversion on the Damascus Road. What God had just done with Saul's life was turn him from a Christian-hunting murderer to a passionate, world-changing apostle of Christ. And now we hear the story of Aeneas.
In this day, in these times, Jesus and His disciples had performed miracles in many different situations. Water had been turned to wine. Lazarus has been raised from the dead. The blind had been made to see, the lame to walk, the Lord crucified and resurrected. And here we find a man who was paralyzed. He had spent 8 years in bed, waiting for his miracle. Hoping for his turn at healing, and believing that it would come.
I love that Peter healed him with the power of Christ and then immediately told him to take action. Did he tell him to run screaming through the streets that Jesus is the King? Did Peter suggest that Aeneas call a town meeting and tell his testimony of pain, numbness and healing? Was he commanded to travel around the world, preaching and teaching the Good News? No. His task was simple. "Stand up, and make your bed," said Peter. That was probably the most the man could do at the moment. But that was enough. The verse says that when he stood up, ALL the people living in that area saw him. And just seeing him do a simple thing like standing up after being bedridden for so long caused all those people to believe in a healing God and turn their hearts toward him. He did the best he could. He carried on after a tragedy and then a miracle. And the world was changed because of it. Oh, that God would use the seemingly mundane tasks of carrying on in my life to point others to His grace.
So today I'll try to cover a bit about the last 2 days. Tomorrow I should hear back from the lawyer about setting a new court date, so please continue to pray that happens this week. The waiting is driving me batty. Also please keep praying for my babies and their precious hearts as they adjust to the idea that Daddy really isn't coming back.
Holidays are hard. I anticipated that they would be, but yesterday was surprisingly difficult. I guess I hadn't given much thought to Halloween feeling like an actual holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas. But I have children who love the chance to dress up and party, so a holiday it was. I felt the sense of loss while watching the kids run around in costume, me snapping pictures as often as possible. I hosted a party at my house for the fourth year in a row, though this year there was one less member of our family in attendance. I was surrounded by wonderful friends, most of whom really put on the party without requiring me to stress about logistics. I have always loved entertaining. Having a house full of people for celebrations seems almost a genetic need for the women in my family, and I usually jump at the opportunity to play the hostess. This presents me with today's lesson.
DOING THE BEST YOU CAN IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
I realize this makes little sense, so I'll try to explain. As I stated above, I usually love big groups, parties, and the fun that comes with social activities. I have always been comfortable in these situations. I hope I'm not one who demands to be the center of attention, but I've never minded a little time in the spotlight, either. I've been performing on stages for most of my life, and I spent the last few years of my marriage participating in an elaborate charade to portray a happy family when I knew we were crumbling behind the scenes.
Ever since Husband left, I find myself unable to put on the mask. This is, of course, freeing in a way. I like being able to be more genuine, and it helps so much to finally let others in on my struggles, my needs, and my feelings. However, the inability to maintain my "I'm fine" facade has left me feeling like the girl who accidentally shows up naked to the pep rally in most social situations lately. Last night I wished I had made costumes mandatory for adults as well at our Halloween party, thinking that a literal mask would have made the role play easier on me. And at other moments, I wanted to go hide in the bathroom at my own house until the excitement died down.
I know I'm going to be okay, and I have many moments where I really do feel good, and hopeful and just enjoy laughing and chatting with friends and family. But my point is that there are times when you just can't "fake it 'til you make it." That, in fact, goes against biblical principles, and God never encourages us to be anything but humble and genuine as we live our lives. But I also believe that He wants us to go on and really live, even when we're facing trials.
"As Peter was traveling through all the area, he visited God's people who lived in Lydda. There he met a man named Aeneas, who was paralyzed and had not been able to leave his bed for the past eight years. Peter said to him, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Stand up and make your bed.' Aeneas stood up immediately. All the people living in Lydda and on the Plain of Sharon saw him and turned to the Lord." Acts 9:32-35
--I find it interesting that this short, seemingly unremarkable story is included in the same chapter of Acts as Saul's conversion on the Damascus Road. What God had just done with Saul's life was turn him from a Christian-hunting murderer to a passionate, world-changing apostle of Christ. And now we hear the story of Aeneas.
In this day, in these times, Jesus and His disciples had performed miracles in many different situations. Water had been turned to wine. Lazarus has been raised from the dead. The blind had been made to see, the lame to walk, the Lord crucified and resurrected. And here we find a man who was paralyzed. He had spent 8 years in bed, waiting for his miracle. Hoping for his turn at healing, and believing that it would come.
I love that Peter healed him with the power of Christ and then immediately told him to take action. Did he tell him to run screaming through the streets that Jesus is the King? Did Peter suggest that Aeneas call a town meeting and tell his testimony of pain, numbness and healing? Was he commanded to travel around the world, preaching and teaching the Good News? No. His task was simple. "Stand up, and make your bed," said Peter. That was probably the most the man could do at the moment. But that was enough. The verse says that when he stood up, ALL the people living in that area saw him. And just seeing him do a simple thing like standing up after being bedridden for so long caused all those people to believe in a healing God and turn their hearts toward him. He did the best he could. He carried on after a tragedy and then a miracle. And the world was changed because of it. Oh, that God would use the seemingly mundane tasks of carrying on in my life to point others to His grace.
Day 21
today's lesson:
DON'T START A DEFRAGMENT ON YOUR COMPUTER LATE AT NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T YET WRITTEN YOUR DAILY BLOG.
--insights from day 22 soon to follow.
DON'T START A DEFRAGMENT ON YOUR COMPUTER LATE AT NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T YET WRITTEN YOUR DAILY BLOG.
--insights from day 22 soon to follow.
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