The Forgiveness Project

boxes

2009-12-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ask any girl between the ages of 16-21 who believes that she has ever loved and lost to show you her relationship box, and she’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. She’ll scale a chair to reach the top shelf of her closet, or she’ll crouch down to the floorboards and sweep her delicate arm under the bed, and out it will come. Some are tattered old shoe boxes, some beautifully decorated antique hat boxes or suitcases, and still others may better resemble an old laundry bag or worn out pillow case, but they all share the same contents. Precious memories of a relationship that eventually went sour.

The box holds the good things, the treasures she accumulated during the dreamy days to prove to herself that this amazing love was not a figment of her imagination. Ticket stubs from the movie where he first reached over to hold her hand. Dead, dried, flowers he sent on her birthday, along with the heartfelt card, and her favorite mix tape of all time, of course. His favorite t-shirt that he doused in cologne and betrothed to her when they had to spend that first week apart. Close-up pictures of their two happy faces smashed together as he extended his long arm to hold the camera out as far as possible. The hairpin she wore to the prom, the notes he left on her car windshield, and a handful of the garden pebbles he tossed at her window while calling her his "Juliet."

If she dumped the guy, or worse yet, had her heart broken by him…why keep all the souvenirs? She’s not sure why. She had to get them out of her room, off of her dresser, out of sight. But, no matter what happened toward the end, she just wasn’t ready to permanently part with the remnants of the good times. So she boxed them up and hid them, as much from herself as from anyone else. She’ll never admit it, but occasionally, when life gets really lonely and she’s tempted to stop believing in the power and goodness of love, she fishes out the box and remembers what used to be.

In Greek mythology, Pandora, the first woman ever created, was given a box. This box was filled with mysteries, things that didn’t belong to her. She was so curious to know what was inside, that she opened it without a second thought. To her utter shock and dismay, the “gifts” inside were actually many evil things, such as toil, illness and despair. When she opened the box, these things were released into the world, plaguing the human race ever since, according to the legend.
I have come to realize lately that I have unknowingly been filling a “God box” with memories, experiences, and lessons learned from my relationship with Christ over the last few years. Did Jesus and I break-up? Certainly not, but as more and more of Pandora’s treasures have been poured into my life through recent experiences, I’ve definitely had moments where I unintentionally pulled away from God and confined His goodness and glory to a box in the closet of my darkened heart.

I’ve taken blessings like the fearlessness required to step out in faith and follow a God who doesn’t tell me where we’re going, and I’ve put them in the box because I’m a mother now and I’ve convinced myself that such actions seem somewhat irresponsible. Other things, like my desire to believe the best about everyone while trusting that God will protect me from the pain of deception or rejection have been thrown in the box so many times that I’d like to lock them up and throw away the key. God’s ability to provide for my every need at the exact moment it arises sometimes ends up in the box, too, buried under His infinite wisdom and His plans to prosper me as I walk through this life with Him. All these things are taking up space in my “God box” instead of making their home in my heart and my mind like they should. What a waste!

The part of the Pandora’s myth that is often left out is that in her box filled with a world full of evil, there was one other thing. Hope. As the pain, the sickness, and the endless hardships that define human life poured out, hope seeped through. Without the despair that so easily ushers us into total hopelessness, there is no need for hope, for faith, for trust. Because of the pain, we know what hope is. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.” When I confine the God of the universe to a box full of memories of a relationship that’s now on the rocks, all hope is bottled up also.

Maybe, just maybe, if I bring that box out into the light; if I dust it off and remove the lid…the hope will pour out and fill this house with light. And I will once again be able to take hold of those sweet memories and dance gracefully to the sound of His voice, as He sings over His child.

Day 40: Don't Stop Now.

2009-11-19T22:17:00.000-08:00

Today my heart has been filled with praise for the God who led me to, and brought me through, the wilderness. I made a vow that I would spend these 40 days making forgiveness and healing my main priority, and God blessed me beyond what I could have imagined. I so hope that this project and the truths the Lord has taught me have been a ministry to others, and I will continue to pray for those of you who have been walking with me through these trials. Today's final lesson is simple.

DON'T STOP NOW.
To assume that this journey, the process, or the healing is complete would be naive. Jesus still has plenty of work to do on my heart, and just because I don't plan to focus solely on that and blog about it daily, it is incredibly important for me to leave room for Him to continue carrying out His plan for me. I also know that part of the plan for me- and every other believer- is to share His grace and His love with others and provide them with the same comfort that He has provided me in my darkest times.

"He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron." Psalm 107:14-15
--No matter what other troubles I face in this life, not a day will come when I will not be thankful for the way God has brought me through this time in my life and given me a deeper understanding of His character.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:9-10
--Although we may be tempted to celebrate the "end" of a journey like this one by focusing on our own agendas and hopes for our lives, it is important to keep our eyes and hearts open for opportunities to minister to others.

Day 39: Acknowledge How Far You've Come.

2009-11-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

Can anyone else believe that tomorrow is the final day in our 40 day journey? I tend to focus on how much farther I will still need to go, how much work is left to do, how much longer this will take, but that's not today's message.

ACKNOWLEDGE HOW FAR YOU'VE COME.
My work day was filled with sweet reminders of God's ability to move us out of the pit and drench us in His light, no matter how dire our circumstances may seem. One precious friend of mine walked in this morning to announce that she is pregnant. She had already suffered a miscarriage, and failed fertility procedures, but she had never given up hope. Beside her came another grateful mother who started this school year in treatment for an aggressive cancer, and walks through life today with a clean bill of health and an amazing testimony to share.

I was later able to snuggle an adorable 4 month old who came, along with his twin brother, as a result of many fertility treatments, prayers, and tears from their faithful parents. He had also spent his first several days of life in the NICU (which is every parent's nightmare) but gave me sweet love today as a healthy, happy baby boy. I had a conversation with another friend who has experienced a family crisis much like my own, about the ways in which God has brought him through so much pain and anger to produce in him a peace and a fresh mindset. I looked in to the eyes of my own children, and I saw that they are adjusting to this new way of life amazingly well, and I praised God for His provision and their resiliency.

And this prompted me to look at my own life. I could go back and read the first days of this blog, and though I would remember her, I no longer know the girl who wrote those words. It would be false to say that the hurt is gone or the healing complete, but today is an opportunity to thank God for yanking me out of the sinking sand and setting my feet upon the rock of His promises and His love. I have put in plenty of effort and commitment to learning how to forgive, but the truth is that none of that would have helped if God himself hadn't met me in the middle of all my fear, questions, rage, and doubt and literally started to reshape my heart to look more like His.

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5
--In this world, we will suffer. Things might get worse before they get better, and tragedy will strike when we least expect it. We may yell at God, question His goodness, or feel that He's turned His almighty back at times, but then the comfort will overflow.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (NLT)
--Jesus suffered, and we will too, but NOTHING will take His love and comfort from us, even in our darkest hours.

Lord, please show _____________ that Your precepts are right. Make his/her heart glad; let his/her eyes light up with the radiance of Your commandments. (Ps. 19:8

Day 38: He's There in the Dark.

2009-11-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

Today was a reminder that, though my hard days are getting fewer and farther between, they still keep coming. Just like usual, my trip through the emotional ringer wasn't even triggered by anything I can think of. This is not an anniversary of anything substantial in our marriage or separation, no insensitive comments were made to me, no contact with the ex. I didn't feel particularly lonely or stressed, just generally low. The day was just a little dark, as if the sun were refusing to peek out from behind it's cloud.

I was able to start a new book this afternoon, though, and it helped to alter my perspective a bit. A dear, supportive friend sent in to me, and it is called Faithquake, by Doug Herman. I can already recommend this book to anyone who is struggling, so I'll try not to spoil it as I reference it in today's lesson.

HE'S THERE IN THE DARK.
This evening was a really nice time to spend at home with the kids. They are usually with their dad on Tuesday nights, but we switched this week, so dinner and snuggle time with them felt like a special treat tonight. About an hour ago, Daughter decided that she was cold and wanted me to get a blanket from my bedroom to cover her up. I let her know that I would gladly cover her up if she brought the blanket, but she would need to to get it herself. She started the short journey several times, only to come back to me saying that it was dark and she was too scared to go in there. She even tried to convince Son to go retrieve it for her, but he too came back empty-handed, running back into the kitchen lights.

As a mother, I was not going to let my children freeze, but I was also aware that there was nothing dangerous waiting to overtake them in the moderately dark room. So I told them I would walk with them, holding their hands, into the room, but I would not turn on the light or actually pick up the blanket myself. In we marched, a strong line of three, gripping each others' hands so tightly that we would have dominated in a game of Red Rover. Daughter found the blanket, came back to my hand, and we left the room victorious.

I couldn't help but think how God is doing the same thing for me right now. He doesn't promise that dark days won't come, but whether we notice or not, He walks through every minute of it with us, and He leads us victoriously to a new light when the time has come and the lessons are learned.

"The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
--This tells us that the darkness doesn't last forever. And, hard as it is to accept when you are face-to-face with a catastrophe, we have also been promised that we come out of it better, stronger, not as easily shaken, and more prepared to help others during their own hardships.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:1-2
--Whatever it is, wherever we are, we are never alone. He's there, holding our hand, keeping us safe, and guiding us toward our reward.

Today's prayer for those who hurt me:

Lord, please give __________________ the heart to know You, that You are the Lord. Let them be Your people, and You be their God as they return to You with all their hearts.
(Jer. 24:7)

Day 37: There is a Gift for You.

2009-11-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I decided I needed to go buy myself a little treat. I had been wanting a new candle to bring a fresh, new scent to our home, so I headed to my candle mecca, otherwise known as Pier One. As I approached the glass doors from the sidewalk, I began to notice a beautiful twinkle shining like a beacon and calling me in to the sparkly wonderland. Upon entering the store, the door let out a "bing" as it closed behind me, as if to make everyone shopping aware that there was a new victim entering the glittered crime scene. The Ghost of Christmas Decor had stopped in to this store, and apparently, she had lost her lunch all over the place. It was mesmerizingly beautiful, and then, in the next instant, sickening and depressing.

THERE IS A GIFT FOR YOU.

The topic of my Divorce Care meeting tonight was, "Surviving the Holidays." I realized during my shopping nightmare yesterday that I have been completely avoiding the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. I know they will be hard, and I know that there is no activity or attitude that will keep me from being lonely. This fact makes me wish I could crawl up into my bed, with Ben and Jerry as my company, then burrow into my plush new bedding and hibernate until Spring. Once again, I am thankful that I have two small children to take care of who would find that behavior completely unacceptable. So, I will get down the tree, eat the turkey, decorate the cookies and hang the stockings. I will soak up all the love I can from my amazing family and friends as they come from far and near to celebrate together, and I will try to find a way to do a little celebrating myself.

On the video we watched at the meeting tonight, they hit one point about Christmas that gives me reason to hope. The idea was, essentially, that Christmas is a holiday for sufferers. Our suffering, this fallen world, and our deep need for rescue were the reasons that Jesus came to earth. This present sadness could only be overcome by the baby in that manger, and He has, and will again, overcome the world. This is my chance to take Him at His word. This is my time to believe in miracles. Not the ones that slide down our chimneys in red, furry suits, but the One that became like us, and hung on a cross with red, bloody wounds and made a way for me to move forward and make something good of this all-too-often wasted life. What a gift!

"This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it--the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
--This God has the big-picture view, and He's willing to share some of His secrets with anyone who calls out to Him with a genuine heart. What a gift, indeed.

Lord, I pray that you will humble _______________, and show him/her that when he/she calls on You, You have to power to answer him/her and tell him/her great and unsearchable things that he/she doesn't know in his/her present condition. (Jer. 33:3)

Day 36: Enough is Enough.

2009-11-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

I just got home from yet another soul-stirring worship service, where God very clearly spoke to me about what's next. I think it's interesting that we tend to put time lines on the recovery process, when we must be somewhat aware that it is different for everyone. I am so utterly grateful to God for putting the idea of this project and blog on my heart because I feel that the time I've spent on it probably sped up my healing by not allowing me to avoid the pain and the lingering questions. We can waste a lot of time stewing in the filth that represents our circumstances if we do not force ourselves to progress, and I don't have any more time to spare.

It saddens me to realize how mundane and uninspiring my life had become before we were struck with all this family drama. And if I thought I was focusing too much on my self and my own needs then, I wish I could show you what's been going on in my brain these last few months. I know it is necessary for us to re-evaluate ourselves, our faith, and what we want from life sometimes, but I'm ready to start turning that focus outward.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and whole, and happily ever after at this point in the journey, but I've had enough of the constant self-centeredness I've been clinging to. Enough whining, enough pity, enough being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. This new life I've been given in Christ can't stop at my rescue. He wants to use my pain and my past to help rescue others.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
--Just as God has been good to me and brought me through my trouble and heartbreak, He expects me to help others to find justice and mercy, and to focus less on myself and more on how I can help others. There are many people around this world who are suffering far greater injustices than the one that has been done to me, and my pain binds me to them. My hurt for my own family makes me hurt for them and allows me to find new ways to minister to them. What good is suffering if we do nothing as a result?

I've read many verses about justice throughout this process, and I have seen that God has a heart for what is right and He hates it when His people are abused and mistreated. I should be equally as enraged at the wrongs being done around the world, and I have the ability to ask for God's power to help me make a difference.

Part of this morning's message was about real cases of human trafficking, of the AIDS crisis, and of orphans who have no homes. There are things we can do to help, and I am eager to get on board. I love knowing that we are called to a greater purpose than just to cry and pray and share our pain with the Christians around us as we all live our relatively comfortable lives. We are instead called to ban together, just as we would to help a friend or church member, and be the hands and feet of the living God to people everywhere

Every night since Daughter was less than 2 years old, I have prayed with her and told her that I'm proud of her. The discussion almost always ends with me reminding her, "You are sweet, and smart, and beautiful and loving and caring, and you and Jesus can change the world." It is my prayer that she will feel the desire to change the world because she has seen Christ do good works through me. I want my kids to have a heart for the nations, and to be able to put their problems and needs in perspective as they grow.

There are many practical ways we can all get involved, and I hope that everyone who reads this will be inspired to think about it. But I feel that in the wake of my personal tragedy, it is important to look for opportunities to live a better story from now on. One thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that ex-Husband legally gets to have the kids for 2+ weeks at a time twice in the summer. It breaks my heart to think about being away from my kids for that long, but I am starting to realize that would give me enough time to go on a short-term mission trip of some kind. My heart for missions has always beat steadily inside my chest, but while I was married, my husband had different priorities. So maybe God will provide the timing, the place, and the funds for me to serve in this way this summer. Please be praying for me in this situation that I will be patient to wait on God's timing and plan. I'll leave you with today's prayer for the lost ones in our lives.

"Father, I pray that you will enable ____________ to obey your commands and to love you with all of his/her heart, soul, mind and strength." Deut. 6:5

Day 35: The Absence of Anger Indicates a Heart Change.

2009-11-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day, but last night was a different story. The kids are away for the weekend, and I still find myself missing them and wondering what to do when they aren't home with me. To add to that, I watched a show late last night that proved to be more frightening than usual. So I decided to move on to watching something that would serve to calm me down, but somehow the love story involved in that episode just made me more aware of my own loneliness. So there I sat, well after midnight, with tears spilling down my cheeks and an empty house.

THE ABSENCE OF ANGER INDICATES A HEART CHANGE.

Something very strange happened as I sat there, filled with sadness and self pity. I realized two things that were different than the last time I experienced one of these nights.
#1. I felt alone, but I wasn't angry.
I didn't sit and stew about how Ex-Husband had caused all of this, or how his girlfriend had stolen the joy and stability from our family. This was not a conscious decision, mind you. I didn't have to try to stop blaming them; I just didn't think about it.
#2. My heart ached, but not for Husband.
I don't miss him anymore. Sure, I wish there was a man around the house to help share the load, and seeing the mother, father and two kids riding their bikes down the street is almost too painful to bear, but I don't miss the man that left our home. I don't hate him or wish him misery either, I'm just not longing for him to come back.

I feel like these shifts in my perspective have come mostly from the prayers I've been sharing with you these past few days. It's getting easier to see them as humans trapped in sin than the people who destroyed my so-called happiness. It's also getting easier to believe my loved ones when they tell me that God has something better in store for me in the future. I have to admit that the verse I'm about to share is one that I feel is often overused. Go looking for a graduation gift at your nearest Christian bookstore, and you'll find these words inscribed on everything from paper weights to baseball caps. But- just like a song that is played too often may seem worn out but doesn't cease to be a good song, God's word is always true, whether we've heard it one time or one thousand. This is a time in the forgiveness journey where I feel it is extremely important for us to hear God's voice as He whispers these words to us.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today's prayer is simple, but crucial.
Father, my heart's desire and my prayer is for ______________'s salvation. (Rom. 10:1)

Day 34: It's Your Own Freedom You're Fighting For

2009-11-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

My computer is being obnoxious today, so I'm going to try to be less wordy and get down to business.

IT'S YOUR OWN FREEDOM YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR

As I've finally started to relinquish my own sense of justice and decided to instead learn to pray for my persecutors, another truth has become abundantly clear. Praying for them has no guaranteed result in their lives because they still have free will to continue in their destructive lifestyles if they so desire. These prayers do, however, promise to provide a new and much needed freedom in my own heart which will better equip me to move on with my life and minister to others. Again, I'll share with you words provided by Beth Moore.

Will the person you're praying for change? Will they receive the blessing you've mustered all the courage to ask God for? Maybe. Maybe not. That's up to them. But will your heart change, will you find freedom to forgive, and will you receive blessing? Absolutely! Take God at His word and find out.

"When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too. And when I forgive him (for whatever is to be forgiven), I do so with Christ's authority for your benefit, so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are very familiar with his evil schemes." 2 Corinthians 2:10-11
--In these verses, Paul explains that we should all forgive whatever has been done to us to make us more like Christ, and so that Satan loses his power over us. We know that Satan wants to destroy us and enslave us to sins- such as unforgiveness- and the best defense is a good offense. If we take forgiveness into our own hands by giving God the authority to change our hearts and by praying blessings over those who need it, the devil has no more room to interfere. Today's prayer for those who break my heart with their choices is below.

I pray for _____________ that you would give him/her the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that he/she may know You better. I pray also that the eyes of his/her heart may be enlightened in order that he/she may know the hope to which you have called him/her, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and Your incomparably great power to free those who believe.
(Eph. 1:17-19)

Day 33: Pray for the Person Who Hurt You.

2009-11-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest with you. I did "Pray about the person...," the lesson leading up to this one several days ago, but I just had not been ready to pray for them until now. I do truly believe that God has used the last few days to prepare my heart to go from pouring out all of my heartache to Him to the next step in this process.

One week from today will be the end of this 40 day pilgrimage to find forgiveness in the heart of God and allow it to permeate my spirit to such a degree that my life is forever changed. I've got to tell you that there is still much progress to be made in these next seven days, but I feel sure that if I can really put today's lesson in to practice in my daily prayer time, I will reap great benefits almost immediately.

PRAY FOR THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
This lesson, again, comes from Beth Moore's book called Praying God's Word. It is a phenomenal book that teaches practical ways to use scripture based prayers to break common strongholds in the lives of both believers and nonbelievers. The most important question I can think to ask you before we approach this topic is, "Do you believe that the Bible is God's word and that it is true?" If you answered that question with a thoughtless, reflexive, "Yes," your faith may be in question by the time you read the following verses.

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called, so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:9
--When I read this, I want desperately to skip over the words I bolded in the middle. I want to ask the Lord to bless me while I choose to ignore one of the highest callings of my Christian faith. This is so contrary to our human nature, so absurd to the rest of the world, that acting on it may just be enough to finally make my life look different from the lives of those who don't know Jesus.

"But I say to you who are listening, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who are cruel to you." Luke 6:27-28
"If you do good only to those who do good to you, what praise should you get? Even sinners do that!" Luke 6:33
--This passage goes on to promise us a great reward for doing these things, and I have to admit I'm looking forward to that. But I also must say that instead of underlining these verses in my bible with a pen, or highlighting them in neon, I'd really like to black them out with a sharpie. As if ignoring God's word has ever done me one bit of good in my life.

However- and this is the part that's really hard to swallow- I've committed my life to following Christ, and I know my heart will never be satisfied when I choose the way of disobedience. Not finding a way to forgive, and pray blessings for, the people who I'd like to credit with ruining my plan for my life is flat out disobedient, and I will not produce any good fruit while holding on to that sin. The book I mentioned earlier suggests several scripture inspired prayers to help us get started in praying for our offenders. For the rest of this journey, I will include one of those prayers daily, and I will pray it over those who have wounded me.

I pray for ___________ that he/she will not be carnally minded, which is death, but may he/she be spiritually minded, which is life and peace. (Romans 8:6)

Day 32: The Pain is Only Part of the Process.

2009-11-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

I thought I was going to have a hard time writing today. It's just been one of those days. I'm sure the fact that yesterday was amazing led to part of the let down of today's reality check, but I think I was probably just due for a little suffering. I didn't have any great spiritual revelations mingled into the mundane tasks of my day, and no one came in at just the right time with just the perfect encouraging word as I was rolling around in the mire of my circumstances. God wasn't absent, mind you, He just wasn't all that obvious either.

So this funk I'd been in led me to sit down for some alone time with God after tucking my sweet blessings into their beds. I sat for a moment, staring blankly at a stack of devotionals, bibles, concordances, and how-to manuals; wondering where to go for a fresh encounter with God. I opened one book and read the page marked with today's date, and it was moderately inspiring. I perused through my study bible, specifically stopping on the inserted page that emphasized forgiveness. Then, I followed Paul through a few chapters of Romans, gaining several new insights along the way.

I soon found my mind starting to wander, as it often does when you suffer from both ADD and sleep deprivation, to a friend of mine who has an unbelievably rough day ahead of her tomorrow. I found myself thinking that I needed to remember to pray for her, so I stopped my research and began to talk to God about her situation. I was quickly struck by the feeling that this situation was much too big to be covered with a passing prayer while sitting on my couch. So I got on the floor, on my face, in a posture more fitting for a sinner like me to be convening with a holy God.

You see, this friend is a single mother who adopted two adorable brothers from the foster care system when the youngest was an infant and the big brother around 3 years old. She has been an amazing mother to them, providing unconditional love and support, and raising them in a stable home and church environment. But with all her work and love, the oldest, now 6, has not been able to completely overcome some of the issues caused by abusive foster parents when he was still a toddler. Tomorrow, after exhausting every other outlet for therapy and help, she will take her sweet little boy to a residential treatment facility where he will have to remain for several months. She is heartbroken, he is afraid, and we all still know that this is God's best provision in this terrible situation.

As I lay there, face down asking for yet another miracle, I found myself asking God to take away their pain. Then, as I realized the absurdity of that request in relation to this situation I literally started to laugh out loud.

THE PAIN IS ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS.
Take it away? I thought, still slightly amused by the idea that I thought it possible for a mother to walk up to the doors of such a place, hand over her young son, kiss his forehead, and both of them cheerfully wave goodbye to each other without experiencing any pain. The pain has to be present, and it will be real. So how do I pray for them, knowing the kind of days and weeks they have coming?

I looked at my own life and realized that the pain I've experienced, just as the bible states, really has produced things like perseverance and renewed faith as we go through trials we never asked for or anticipated. So I will ask God, and expect Him, to produce all of those great gifts in my friend and her son. I will ask Him to use this situation of desperation and loneliness to draw that sweet boy so close to His heart that he can audibly hear it beating with the lavish love God has for him. I will ask that, through the pain, the mercy, and the sorrow, God will bind up their wounds and make theirs a story that displays His grace to all those around them. And I will pray for them, just as I've prayed for myself and my own children through our recent crisis, to simply keep breathing and knowing that God is in control.

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."
Psalm 34: 18-19

Day 31: You Can't Expect Too Much of God.

2009-11-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

As I'm living through this season in my life, I am learning much more about myself. I have a friend who jokes that by spending so much time reading, praying, and talking with my counselor, I am becoming an expert in me. I know, sounds like a lame self help book or a cheesy bumper sticker. But silly or not, I really am digging deeper into my own issues and mistakes in hopes that I will be able to avoid watching my history repeat itself.

One thing I have always faulted my self for is my idealistic nature. I have a tendency to see things, and people, the way I want them to be rather than the way they truly are. This is dangerous when I'm establishing relationships with people who are, just like the rest of us, flawed human beings living in a fallen world. So I need to learn to lower my expectations of people to coincide with the reality that there is not one of them who can rescue me. No person on this earth can really make it all better, save me from myself, or meet my deepest needs. I know that this is a mistake I made in my marriage when I expected that ex-Husband could change enough to fix all of our problems. I, of course, never would have admitted that I was asking him to fill the role that I knew in my mind only God was qualified for. I didn't even realize that I was asking God to do something in his heart that still wouldn't have made it all better. Because none of us can be made truly holy and whole until the day we meet our maker face to face.

I am right to be able to fully grasp, for the first time in my existence, that no matter how heroic a person is, there is not one out there who can fill me and love me the way I need. The down side to this realization, however, is that somewhere along this desert pilgrimage I began to believe I needed to lower my expectations of God as well. I felt like I had asked for too much, and that the Lord never promised us a long, happy life filled with perfect marriages and cookie cutter homes. He never said we would be healthy or wealthy if we followed Him with total devotion. So, what did He say? What can we expect from this God who rules the world we're trapped in for our human lifetimes?

YOU CAN'T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF GOD.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
--Jesus tells us why He came. The reason He left His place in the throne room of heaven, put on the flesh and the burdens of our world, and hung on that cross is simple. He wanted us to have full lives. Does a life of abundance always look like it's full to the outside world? Do the possessions, the people and the career create the fullness that Jesus described? I think we all know the answer to these questions, but it tends to lead us only to asking another. "OK, God, if the things so sought after and adored by our society don't make our lives full, then what does abundance really look like?"

I think we are supposed to ask this question. I actually think that we should be on our faces before the God of the universe, begging Him to show us that abundance. And we should expect that He will. As we ask Him to fill our lives with the "real thing" we must also believe that He will do just that.

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21
--In this passage, Paul is describing the faith of Abraham. He was not in a situation that made any sense, but it says he didn't waver. He knew God would deliver on His promise. Jesus promised that He could give us life to the full, so let's clothe ourselves in the faith of father Abraham, and begin to expect exactly that.

Day 30: Don't miss the manna.

2009-11-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today was back to reality. I tend to take the time on my weekends without kids to completely throw myself into some other world. That world is usually filled with fun, laughs, people who love me, and plenty of time alone with God. Then, like in most of your lives I presume, Monday comes, and the chaos begins.

The best thing, though, is that even when the alarm clock first blares on a Monday morning, His mercy is new. The grace is fresh, the leaves have changed, and the sun has once again risen on the rest of your life. God is still on the throne, Jesus still sits at His right hand, and this world we live in is still not our home. However, as we live here as aliens that sometimes feel trapped in a sick web of deceitful human error, the Lord still provides us with the words we need to hear at the exact moment that our ears begin to bleed for them. That's how today's lesson came about.

DON'T MISS THE MANNA.
While I was at work today, a dear friend, and faithful prayer warrior stopped by my office. She came directly from the prayer chapel, where she had spent her lunch break communing with the Lord, and said she just wanted to give me a hug. Now, hugs are wonderful, but if you knew this woman you would know that the Holy Spirit would never allow her to stop there. She told me she'd been reading this blog, and she inquired as to how things were going for me today. What was the condition of my heart?

As I started to tell her about the amazing blessings God has been pouring on my through this time of intense sadness, I told her that when this all started I was in a hurry to just get to the end. I knew these events and this process and this pain would eventually lead to some testimony of God's grace in my life, but I honestly just hoped I could skip the middle. As I know I'm not near finished with this journey of grieving and rebuilding, I am seeing God's hand even right here in the valley. This part of the process that I was so anxious to avoid is proving to be more bearable than I would have imagined.

While explaining this to my wise friend, she just nodded her head and smiled until my rambling stopped. And then, her response came to concisely bring meaning from all my nonsense. She said, "But if you could have skipped this part, you would have missed the manna."

In the book of Exodus, the Israelites were wandering around in desert wasteland, trying to trust God to lead them to the promise land. They were failing, and they were starving. They began to complain about the hunger that was ravaging their bodies, and God heard them.

God spoke to Moses,
"I've listened to the complaints of the Israelites. Now tell them: 'At dusk you will eat meat and at dawn you'll eat your fill of bread; and you'll realize that I am God, your God.'" That evening quail flew in and covered the camp and in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another, man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was. And these are God's instructions: 'Gather enough for each person, about two quarts per person; gather enough for everyone in your tent.'" The People of Israel went to work and started gathering, some more, some less, but when they measured out what they had gathered, those who gathered more had no extra and those who gathered less weren't short - each person had gathered as much as was needed.
Moses said to them, "Don't leave any of it until morning." Ex. 16:11-19 (The Message)
--As we wander through our own dry valleys and deserts in our lives, God gives us exactly what we need for the moment we need it. Just like He told the people not to try to save any of the manna for the next day, He tells us that we can't try to hoard enough grace or strength to last us all the way through this trial. Just as their manna fell from the sky each day, sweet and satisfying, God is able to provide for our every need and satisfy our every longing. As we ask Him to care for us, He brings a sense of joy and thanksgiving to us right here in the middle of the journey.

Day 29

2009-11-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

Too much, too much, too much. Praise God that today has been a culmination of so many truths and lessons He's been trying to teach me! It's as if so much has been made clear to me in the past 24 hours that I scarcely know where to begin. I'm going to do my best today to stick to the first revelation I had while visiting a different church this morning in order to witness a friend's baptism. This point is also the most related to the concept of forgiveness, so I'll save the rest for another day. Please thank the Lord with me for all the ways He's moving in this broken life of mine, and continue to ask Him to reveal more of Himself to my heart.

THEY'RE JUST SLAVES.
With yesterday's lesson, we talked about the importance of pouring out our hearts to God, even if it feels like we're just tattling on those who have hurt us at first. It is a step in the right direction to be able to get down to the nitty gritty with your Savior. Beth Moore teaches that before we are able to learn true forgiveness, we must go through the act of praying about the person who needs it. It's been a good thing that God taught her the forgiveness process in baby steps, because I simply couldn't have followed it any other way. We will get to this another day soon, but I think it's acceptable to tell you that the next step in Beth's book is to begin praying for the offender as opposed to just about them.

I have to admit that I didn't expect God to prepare me to do that in the way that he did this morning. I assumed that this idea, like most of the others in this project, would come to me as a painful truth about the way I'm called to live. I also figured that, like most of the other steps in this project, I would have a hard time applying this concept. I thought I'd have to force it at first. I imagined that I would have to constantly remind myself that these people needed prayer and that in order for my own healing to commence, I would have to learn to pray for them. I didn't want to, and I assumed it would be a very long time before my heart was conditioned to see their real needs and get past the damage they have done to my life. I was wrong.

Instead of this long, forced process of trying to learn to see Ex-Husband and his girlfriend as sinners in need of a Savior that would end in my genuine prayers for God to break their hearts, He took another route. While standing and singing a beautiful melody in a corporate worship experience I've been desperately missing lately, God broke my heart and opened my eyes. The words of the song alluded to a passage of scripture we would read later in the service.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve..." Isaiah 61:1-3a
--Though I don't remember the exact words we were singing, or even the title of the song, I experienced a paradigm shift that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the words spilled out of my mouth, and the tears spilled out of my eyes, somehow the anger and resentment flowed just as freely out of my heart. It felt as if you could have seen the trail of ashes going from my seat, down the aisle of the church, out the doors, and away with the wind. Those ashes represented the burning indignation I have been wrestling with in relation to the way I feel about the situation I'm in.

I have allowed myself to play the role of the lone victim, and that has clouded my vision and threatened to choke the life right out of me. When the anger and fear would rise inside of me, my breathing was physically labored, and the air felt too dense and heavy to inhale. I have spent months, if not years, gasping for air, and today the soot was stripped from my lungs. The air around me hadn't been the hindrance all this time. It was the blackened, grimy residue that had invaded my insides when I was grieving the death of my dreams. As I had watched my family destroyed like a house on fire, I had taken in much more of the toxic smoke than I had realized.

And there was the truth that cleared my lungs, broke my heart, and unclouded my vision. They are the poor, the captives, the prisoners. To believe that Ex-Husband and his girlfriend don't experience moments of overwhelming pain and sorrow is naive. No matter how far they have fallen, they are God's children, and people can't live the way they are living without occasional regret. They may just be in too deep to give in to the feelings of brokenness. If they were to allow God to show them the whole truth and the consequences of their actions, they would (in their minds) be left with nothing. The lie is all they have left, and they are clinging to it like the last piece of a sinking ship. They are prisoners of that darkness, and neither of them sees a way out.

Please don't think that I'm saying they are somehow not responsible for the choices and actions that led them to this point. But I am saying that at this point, they've handed over the reigns to the enemy, and he's the one piloting their ship today. Slaves. The bible says that we will all be slaves to something, and it is my heart's desire to be a slave only to Christ, who grants us freedom in it's truest form. But part of being a Christ-driven individual is having the ability to recognize the spiritual warfare all around me, and to sincerely pray for those who are losing the battle. How can I not be crushed to see that the man I married, the father of my children, is giving up the fight? He has, like so many others, accepted what he sees as his only fate, taken on the heavy yoke of being a slave to sin, and relinquished his will to that of his master. I'm no longer enraged, but I am somehow empowered. I know that my God is strong enough to break the chains that bind these two people to their sin and shame. I will pray that He will do just that in both of their lives until the day comes when they are truly free from the weight of this world and their own self-condemnation. Please join me in praying this over all those in this world who are serving the wrong master.

Day 28

2009-11-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been good. I've had the chance to get out of town again, and I enjoyed spending time with the friends and family I saw along the way. Today's lesson comes directly from Beth Moore in her book entitled Praying God's Word. There is an entire section in the book devoted to teaching us to overcome unforgiveness.

LEARN TO PRAY ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU.
If you read through the entire book of Psalms, you would see many different feelings and events as they were penned by David. This David made some huge mistakes in his life, and he was able to experience the overwhelming forgiveness and mercy of God in response to his sin and repentance. One thing we see many times throughout the Psalms is David pouring his heart out to God in a real, intimate way.

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble." Psalm 62:8
--We are supposed to call out to God and tell Him what has been done to us. We are allowed to complain and vent to Him because He is big enough to hear our prayers and handle our enemies in His own just, righteous way.

Much like the exercise in writing down reasons we are angry, expressing these problems to God helps to get them out of our hearts. We then need to truly lay these burdens down. We should not try to pick them back up tomorrow, next week, or next year. Once we've said our piece, God is in control, and we relinquish our hold on them.

Beth Moore says that there are 2 important things that happen when we learn to pray honestly about the person who has hurt us:
1. We pour the hurt out rather than allowing it to remain and turn bitter.
2. We articulate our own feelings, thereby placing them in view before our own eyes as well as God's.

Talking things out with God can help us to see the truth about what has been done to us and what needs to be forgiven. I plan to sit down and tell God just how deeply I've been wounded so that He may continue to heal the pain. Getting the toxins out of my heart is a high priority right now, and when it is done, I will be able to take one more step forward on this rocky road of forgiveness.

Day 27

2009-11-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

Today was mostly about continuing to meditate on the verses and lesson we discussed yesterday. Some of these concepts take more time than others to really sink in. It is incredibly important to take the time to fully grasp the depth of the lessons God brings us in order to make a lasting change in our lives. This brings me to today's short but necessary lesson.

UNDERSTAND EACH STEP IN THE PROCESS BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ONE.

"Give me understanding according to your word." Psalm 119:169
--Let's go back and read yesterday's scripture again, and pray that God will help us to understand it the way that He intended. Let's pray that He will reveal new truths to us about who needs to be forgiven in each of our hearts, and that He will provide the strength needed to accomplish such an arduous task.

Day 26

2009-11-05T16:29:00.000-08:00

Though today has been just fine for the most part, the lesson is going to be hard to share. This is something I actually felt God speak to my heart several days ago, but I had to chew on it for a long time before feeling like I could write it down.

I'd much rather spend today talking about how amazing God is to provide me with such an incredible support system. Last night, I was showered with cards, gifts, texts, calls, and encouragement from my friends and family. As difficult as this situation has been, it has shown such a testimony of God's faithfulness to surround us with a great cloud of witnesses who help carry our burdens and celebrate our successes. For that, I am beyond grateful.

Now, it's time to stop procrastinating and tell you what I'm learning.
SELECTIVE FORGIVENESS DOESN'T COUNT.
Did I already say that I despise this lesson? I also must admit that I don't fully grasp it, and I definitely haven't been able to apply it yet. But I feel like it's a very important concept, and I have started praying that God would teach me to follow it.

I entered this journey expecting to learn about the process of forgiveness. I planned to start by trying to forgive Husband, then, after that was done I would start the process with others in my life who also needed my forgiveness. You know... I was setting attainable goals. Taking things one step at a time, and all that jazz. I never stopped to consider that my idea of how to tackle this problem in my life may not be in line with scriptural standards. I also know that I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have things all figured out; and you may completely disagree with my interpretation of the following verses. Please, please, correct me if I'm wrong because I'd love to hear about an easier way to follow biblical precepts and receive God's blessings in my life.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:24-25
--We read and discussed these verses in Sunday school last week, and things got interesting. One of the most godly, faithful prayer warriors I know brought up the point that the first of these two verses is hard to swallow because we have all asked, and earnestly begged for things while believing that God would answer those prayers. She was obviously not talking about praying for things that are frivolous or outside of what we believe to be God's will. In fact, I feel like she was thinking about how fervently she had prayed for the Lord to break my husband's heart, cause him to repent, and restore our family the way that scripture describes.

And then, after hearing these verses for what seemed like the 100th time, it hit me. These two verses are put together for a reason. Jesus told us that God can provide for us anything and everything we ask for in prayer. We tend to get stuck on the part about believing that God will do this. That can certainly be a struggle for everyone, but I feel that it is easier to overcome unbelief than it is to follow the next stipulation.

There is a reason that verse 25 begins with a conjunction. The word "and" at the beginning indicates that this verse is a continuation of the thought in the sentence before. We know that the sin in our lives is what separates us from a Holy God, and it is important to confess those sins in order to receive forgiveness. After we confess those sins, the door is again opened for God to hear our prayers and communicate back to us. When there is too much sin in the way, our means of communicating with God are blocked.

Jesus stated that when we pray, we must first forgive ANYTHING we are holding against ANYONE in order to allow God's forgiveness to cover our own sins. It seems to me that means that if we refuse to forgive anyone, that blocks the communication, and we should not expect God to answer any of the other prayers we bring to Him. So, we can spend days or weeks on our knees on behalf of our own needs or the needs of those we love, but if our hearts are plagued with unforgiveness for even one person, no amount of faith or time will make a difference.

Now do you see how much I wish I hadn't thought about these truths? It makes me realize that I can't work my hardest to forgive Husband, then expect a gold star from God. I have to forgive them all. I need to be learning, and working, and asking God to help me forgive the woman who lured my husband away from his family. I need let go of some other grudges I have held onto like a security blanket for most of my life. It's time to stop keeping score. To surrender the hurt to the One who can heal. To remember that no human will ever live up to the standards of perfection I have allowed myself to long for. It's time to forgive not the one but the many, just the way that Jesus forgave the crowd of sinners that stood before Him at the cross as well as all of us who would not be born for thousands of years to come.

Day 25

2009-11-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today we're jumping right in to the lesson.

THE PEACE IS REAL
Have you ever been faced with a situation that you didn't think you would possibly get through? Did you have the thought- after it was over- that you were able to handle much more than you ever imagined possible? Did you pat yourself on the back for remaining so calm in the crisis, or believe that you must be much stronger than you gave yourself credit for? While you were in that valley, that pit, that rock bottom experience, was anyone praying for you? Do you think they may have been using these biblical promises as the basis for their prayers?

"With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:19

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I can tell you honestly that I have prayed these verses over people I love many times, and I have counted on God to deliver that power and that peace. But, until today, I can't remember ever experiencing it so tangibly in my own life. How else do you explain the fact that I walked into the lawyer's office and signed the papers; walked in to the court house and appeared before the judge; walked out of his chambers a single mother; and never had a moment of panic, fear or doubt? That is the peace that transcends all understanding. That was God working in my heart to calm me and protect me through a time of grief and stress. To all of you who I know prayed for these things specifically- thank you from the bottom of my heart! To any of you who could use this kind of power and peace in your own lives but have never been a part of it- ask, and you shall receive! I will be able to forgive Husband because it's not my ballgame anymore. I'm still learning to let go of the reigns, but as long as God is on the throne and I am bathed in prayer, the forgiving spirit will come like the rain.

Day 24

2009-11-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

Today turned out to be much more eventful than I imagined. First, sweet baby Son woke up with a fever of 102. We dropped off Daughter at preschool, and then we stayed home for a morning of sad fussing and sweet cuddling. If you aren't a parent, you will think this sounds awful but as much as I hate it when my kids are sick, I secretly treasure the time they want to spend wrapped up in my arms. Most days they are simply too busy for that. I wonder if that's how God feels about us. He hates seeing us in painful circumstances, but He loves the closeness it often brings to our relationship because we are too desperate to go it alone.

So the late afternoon entailed a very long, arduous trip to the doctor, and a diagnosis that my precious boy is pretty sick. Somewhere amid dragging him to the medical supply store and getting instructions on giving breathing treatments, the lawyer's office finally called. They said that I have a court date! For tomorrow morning, in fact. I'll go in at 8:30 to finalize the divorce, and then that part will be behind us. Thank you for your prayers thus far, and knowing that I will be showered with them as I go about the proceedings tomorrow is more encouraging than you know. Which brings me to the lesson of the day.

TIME WILL KEEP PASSING, AND YOU WILL KEEP HEALING.
I remember so vividly how the first couple of months of my separation passed so slowly it was excruciating. I was simply trying to survive the time between rolling out of bed in the morning and crawling back in to it at night. The days felt like years, and I couldn't imagine how I could go on much longer.

I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the past several weeks the pace started to pick up a little. There are still certainly days, events and moments when it feels like I'm living in a version of The Never Ending Story, but routines have started to form out of the chaos. And comfort has become a concept I can occasionally see again in the present tense. And the leaves are changing, the wind is blowing, and life is going on.

"I am no longer sorry that I sent that letter to you, though I was sorry for a time, for I know that it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to have remorse and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish the wrongdoer. You showed that you have done everything you could to make things right." 2 Cor. 8-11
--Paul said this to the church at Corinth after he sent a letter rebuking them for the wrongs in their lives. I believe that God looks at my life and says essentially the same thing. He's sorry that He had to allow this to happen to me, but the pain, the sorrow and the anguish will be short lived. He is using those things to produce qualities in me that can point others toward salvation, and that will make my joy in Him complete. So as I step out of that courthouse tomorrow, my story will not end. This is the part God wrote in to bring about a change in me that will make mine a story worth telling.

Day 23

2009-11-02T16:25:00.001-08:00

Today I've been impatient about getting a court date. That impatience hasn't gotten me even one step closer to finalizing the divorce, so I had to admit that there must be a reason for this timing "glitch" and let it go. When we do get a date, I'll be sure to post it so that you can all be praying that day.

I've been blessed with great reading material that has provided ample inspiration in recent days, and it may be difficult to channel it into a cohesive lesson. But I know that the timing of reading, hearing, and learning these concepts simultaneously is providing the momentum I so desperately need to find a purpose in this pain. So I will try to convey my swirl of thoughts and revelations in a way that might also provide some insight for all those reading along and joining me in this forgiveness project.

DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE WRITE YOUR STORY.
One book that I'm reading and loving right now is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It is about how every one's life is like a story, and we can either become the co-author of our lives along with God, or we can end up playing a supporting role in a story controlled by someone else. Husband is living a very dark, sad, lonely story right now. I got sucked in to being part of that story for a while, but this divorce is my opportunity to refocus on the story I want my life to tell. And this part- this painful stage where I'm often lost and confused- is an opportunity for the main character to grow and be changed in remarkable ways.

So, what do I want my story, my life, to say? I know that I want it to speak much less of my glory and much more of God's. I know that I want people to look at the struggles, the heartache, and the sad circumstances I've encountered and still leave with the hope for a happy ending. Does that happy ending need to involve me riding off into the sunset with some new, amazing man? Is romantic companionship really the main goal and desire in my heart? No. I won't lie to you and say that it wouldn't be nice to have someday, but there is only one main goal that this protagonist aspires to reach on a daily basis. Bring God praise, and point other wanderers to His merciful love. If I can keep this in mind as I go through the motions of trying to hold my life together, I can see the importance of forgiving more clearly.

"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
--I think I've used this one in a previous post, but I have to repeat it to myself about a thousand times a day if I want to remember the point of my story.

If you want to know about a character who's life told a great story, read about Stephen in Acts 6-7. His story has always been a favorite of mine because he lived and died bringing glory to God and professing biblical truth. I hope you will take the time to read the whole story, but I thought I'd include my favorite part as translated in The Message. At this point, Stephen had been brought before an angry crowd and falsely accused of blasphemy. Instead of standing up and defending himself and telling his own story, he basically took that opportunity to tell the entire bible- from Abraham to Christ- to all those who would listen. Here's how that ended:

"At that point they went wild, a rioting mob of catcalls and whistles and invective. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed - he only had eyes for God, whom he saw in all his glory with Jesus standing at his side. He said, "Oh! I see heaven wide open and the Son of Man standing at God's side!" Yelling and hissing, the mob drowned him out. Now in full stampede, they dragged him out of town and pelted him with rocks. The ringleaders took off their coats and asked a young man named Saul to watch them. As the rocks rained down, Stephen prayed, "Master Jesus, take my life." Then he knelt down, praying loud enough for everyone to hear, "Master, don't blame them for this sin" - his last words. Then he died. Saul was right there, congratulating the killers. " Acts 7:54-60
--Please don't think for a moment that I'm comparing the circumstances surrounding my divorce to being stoned by an angry mob. I also have to admit that suffering physical pain and death as a martyr for the Lord is not how I hope my story will end. It's Stephen's passion and purpose and faith that inspire me to write a better story for myself. And I know that no story can point to God the way Stephen's does when the main character is focused on bitterness or revenge. It is my hope that as I continue to face difficult situations in which I could easily dwell on my pain and my loss, I will instead be able to fix my gaze on my God the way Stephen did so beautifully.

Day 22

2009-11-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. It was Saturday; it was Halloween; I had house guests; blah, blah, blah. The truth is that I didn't take the time to make it a priority until around 2:00 am, and by then I couldn't interrupt the defragging process that had been started hours before. And I also couldn't wait until it finished because by then I was dead mom walking.

So today I'll try to cover a bit about the last 2 days. Tomorrow I should hear back from the lawyer about setting a new court date, so please continue to pray that happens this week. The waiting is driving me batty. Also please keep praying for my babies and their precious hearts as they adjust to the idea that Daddy really isn't coming back.

Holidays are hard. I anticipated that they would be, but yesterday was surprisingly difficult. I guess I hadn't given much thought to Halloween feeling like an actual holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas. But I have children who love the chance to dress up and party, so a holiday it was. I felt the sense of loss while watching the kids run around in costume, me snapping pictures as often as possible. I hosted a party at my house for the fourth year in a row, though this year there was one less member of our family in attendance. I was surrounded by wonderful friends, most of whom really put on the party without requiring me to stress about logistics. I have always loved entertaining. Having a house full of people for celebrations seems almost a genetic need for the women in my family, and I usually jump at the opportunity to play the hostess. This presents me with today's lesson.

DOING THE BEST YOU CAN IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
I realize this makes little sense, so I'll try to explain. As I stated above, I usually love big groups, parties, and the fun that comes with social activities. I have always been comfortable in these situations. I hope I'm not one who demands to be the center of attention, but I've never minded a little time in the spotlight, either. I've been performing on stages for most of my life, and I spent the last few years of my marriage participating in an elaborate charade to portray a happy family when I knew we were crumbling behind the scenes.

Ever since Husband left, I find myself unable to put on the mask. This is, of course, freeing in a way. I like being able to be more genuine, and it helps so much to finally let others in on my struggles, my needs, and my feelings. However, the inability to maintain my "I'm fine" facade has left me feeling like the girl who accidentally shows up naked to the pep rally in most social situations lately. Last night I wished I had made costumes mandatory for adults as well at our Halloween party, thinking that a literal mask would have made the role play easier on me. And at other moments, I wanted to go hide in the bathroom at my own house until the excitement died down.

I know I'm going to be okay, and I have many moments where I really do feel good, and hopeful and just enjoy laughing and chatting with friends and family. But my point is that there are times when you just can't "fake it 'til you make it." That, in fact, goes against biblical principles, and God never encourages us to be anything but humble and genuine as we live our lives. But I also believe that He wants us to go on and really live, even when we're facing trials.

"As Peter was traveling through all the area, he visited God's people who lived in Lydda. There he met a man named Aeneas, who was paralyzed and had not been able to leave his bed for the past eight years. Peter said to him, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Stand up and make your bed.' Aeneas stood up immediately. All the people living in Lydda and on the Plain of Sharon saw him and turned to the Lord." Acts 9:32-35
--I find it interesting that this short, seemingly unremarkable story is included in the same chapter of Acts as Saul's conversion on the Damascus Road. What God had just done with Saul's life was turn him from a Christian-hunting murderer to a passionate, world-changing apostle of Christ. And now we hear the story of Aeneas.

In this day, in these times, Jesus and His disciples had performed miracles in many different situations. Water had been turned to wine. Lazarus has been raised from the dead. The blind had been made to see, the lame to walk, the Lord crucified and resurrected. And here we find a man who was paralyzed. He had spent 8 years in bed, waiting for his miracle. Hoping for his turn at healing, and believing that it would come.

I love that Peter healed him with the power of Christ and then immediately told him to take action. Did he tell him to run screaming through the streets that Jesus is the King? Did Peter suggest that Aeneas call a town meeting and tell his testimony of pain, numbness and healing? Was he commanded to travel around the world, preaching and teaching the Good News? No. His task was simple. "Stand up, and make your bed," said Peter. That was probably the most the man could do at the moment. But that was enough. The verse says that when he stood up, ALL the people living in that area saw him. And just seeing him do a simple thing like standing up after being bedridden for so long caused all those people to believe in a healing God and turn their hearts toward him. He did the best he could. He carried on after a tragedy and then a miracle. And the world was changed because of it. Oh, that God would use the seemingly mundane tasks of carrying on in my life to point others to His grace.

Day 21

2009-11-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

today's lesson:

DON'T START A DEFRAGMENT ON YOUR COMPUTER LATE AT NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T YET WRITTEN YOUR DAILY BLOG.
--insights from day 22 soon to follow.

Day 20

2009-10-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today marks the half-way point of this 40 day journey, and it's interesting to note that I had moments today when I felt just as angry, lonely, or glum as I did on day one. The good news, though, is that I can also see some progress. The waves of emotion and memory that come and knock me over are becoming fewer and farther between. God is using this experience to mold me in to something new, and I am beginning to recognize His handiwork on my heart. Today's lesson stems from these thoughts.

KNOWING WHAT COMES NEXT WOULDN'T MAKE IT EASIER
I am a person who enjoys happy endings. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel, and I always try to find encouraging words for those facing trials in their lives. I do believe, like it says in Hebrews 11, "that God rewards those who honestly seek Him." But I'm tired of waiting for the reward. I so desperately want to hit the fast-forward button and skip past this rebuilding stage in my life. I, at the very least, wish someone would show me the blueprints. I trust that God has a plan for me, and I know that my future will give me the opportunity to somehow enjoy the fruits of this labor I'm doing alongside my savior today.

The hard part is in the waiting. It's in the not knowing. It's in the uncertainty, and the muddy waters that are drowning my dreams just won't become clear soon enough. I'm in the middle of the tunnel, and I can't even see the light yet. I want to trust that it is there, but I really just need to see it with my own eyes so I can keep moving forward. But that's not how God works. The truth is that even if He showed me a glimpse of the prize that I'm so desperately hoping for, I'd still have a million miles to go before I reached it.

Seeing the finish line doesn't make the marathon any shorter, and nothing can make us run it any faster than we are able. But the journey makes us tired. And the road seems to stretch on endlessly before us. And we start to think that if we can't see the finish, we might as well quit now. It's not that we don't have faith that those who finish the race will get their medals; it's just that we instead begin to wonder how much that medal is worth. We want to weigh the pro's and con's of finishing the race. It may be more feasible to stop now, while we can still walk, instead of pushing ourselves to the limit only to be dragged across the line battered and bruised. We've worked up a good sweat, we've burned tons of calories, and we've already accomplished more than most people ever do. So what's the harm in taking a break? How will it hurt us to sit and rest awhile when the race isn't over?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
--It is important for us to remember that God owes us no explanation. He doesn't always show us the ending to our story, because we would be completely unable to understand it. This is where the idea of trust becomes a necessity. We can't keep running if we stop to demand answers.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
--Why do we keep running this race? Because we are surrounded by those who love and pray for us, and they are able to testify that God's plan is worth the pain. How do we keep running the race? Get rid of the thoughts that get in the way, push the sin out of our lives, and look to Jesus to find our strength.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
--No, we are not supposed to be happy about the trials we face, but we are supposed to find joy in the fact that we're learning to persevere. That's the only way to survive in a fallen world. It takes perseverance to finish the race, and the harder the race, the more we are able to acquire that perseverance. No one said this would be easy, but I know it will be worthwhile.

Day 19

2009-10-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today's lesson was hard to find. To be completely honest, I think I've been running from my problems, and therefore, also from any progress since I woke up this morning. There is quite a bit going on in the next few days, so it's been easy to let my focus drift toward that and miss the opportunity to let God teach me. The most ironic part is that be more I run, the less distance I cover. This thought pattern led me to the story of the prodigal son. Read it again with me in Luke 15:11-32.

WE ALL NEED GRACE
It is so easy in the position that I am in to look at Husband with harsh judgement. No matter what mistakes I made in our marriage relationship, he did far worse to me. No matter how many times I said I was sorry for failing him, I have yet to hear a sincere apology from his lips. He deserves to feel the pain he has caused others. He deserves to pay for his mistakes every day for a very long time. He deserves whatever guilt comes his way as a result of the chaos he brought in to our lives. He deserves to end up alone, with out the companion he put before his vows and his children. But I can't ask God to give him what he deserves.

I need God's grace, too. And the best definition I've ever heard for grace is getting what we don't deserve. I am a sinner. I deserve to be punished for my sins. The wages of sin is death, according to the bible. So I deserve to die for the lie I told yesterday, the gossip I spread in high school, or the way I so often put worldly things above the one true God. I deserve hell. Eternal separation from my maker and the lover of my soul. I have disgraced His holy name, and there is no reason I should be saved. No reason but grace.

And I beg for that grace on a daily basis. God's grace sent Jesus to live on earth and die on the cross to pay for my sins. AND- to pay for husband's. The same blood that covers me and washed me clean covers husband and his filthy pile of wrongs that have now become public. I should be praying for the day that he, the lost son, will go running home into the arms of his loving father. I should be asking God to have mercy on him as he continues to run away from God just the same way I did by spending my time on fruitless tasks just to get myself through another day.

"While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt sorry for his son. So the father ran to him and hugged and kissed him. The son said, 'Father, I have sinned against God and have done wrong to you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'" Luke 15:20-21
--None of us are worthy, but God still has mercy on each one of his children. Humbling ourselves is an important step toward receiving the grace our Father gives. I will pray that Husband will do this very thing.

"My son was dead, but now he is alive again! He was lost, but now he is found!" Luke 15:24
--Are the people we're working to forgive lost? Are they so spiritually dead that they no longer even realize how far they have fallen? Shouldn't we, then, learn to pray that they will once again be found and become alive in the Lord? I know it's hard, but I want this for every person on earth, so that must include my offender. Help me, Jesus, to find a way to pray for Husband with a sincere heart so that he may see the truth and receive your love.

Day 18

2009-10-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day at work. Our students had their fall parties, and it's always fun to see the excitement on their faces when it's party day. I am feeling a little discouraged on another front, though. The court date to finalize the divorce had been set for this Friday, but the judge had a death in the family. The lawyer's office called me Monday to tell me we'd have to reschedule, hopefully for sometime next week. And since then I have heard nothing. I'm starting to think it's unlikely that I will even get on the calendar for next week, and I want to get this part over with. I know that the day the divorce is final probably means very little as far as the amount of healing a person has done, but I will just feel better when I'm no longer in limbo. So please pray for a date to open soon, and for God's timing to be perfect as it always has been before. On to our lesson, which is almost a continuation of the one we had yesterday.

TAKE IN THE TREASURE
I can tell that this is a common practice among those who leave encouraging comments on this blog, and God uses their discipline to help others in such a tangible way. After we rid our hearts and minds of the pollution caused by anger and resentment, we have plenty of space left to fill with things that can encourage us. Learning and memorizing scripture is one of the most rewarding spiritual disciplines that has ever existed. Once we hide God's word in our hearts, He is able to bring it back to us through memory at the exact time we need it. I must confess that in recent months and years, I have not exerted as much effort in this area as I used to. And I can truly tell a difference now that I am in the midst of this spiritual warfare. So I am committing to rededicate myself in the area of memorizing new verses that I can recall in my times of need.

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:1-6

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11

Day 17

2009-10-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say that I am so thankful that God planted the idea for this blog in my heart a few weeks ago. It has helped me to face my issues head on instead of avoiding them in hopes that they will fix themselves. I can also see that by God's grace, it is spreading around and touching the lives of others who also struggle with the need to forgive someone who has done damage to their hearts and lives. I ask all of the prayer warriors following me through this journey to please continue to lift up all the others who are reading this and hoping to learn their own valuable lessons from Christ. I am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life, so thank you for your continued support. Now, on to our daily lesson.

TAKE OUT THE TRASH
A couple of years ago, Husband and I went through months of marital counseling. I learned several valuable skills there, but one exercise in particular has proven to be beneficial to me every time I do it. She advised us to each get a sheet of paper and at the top write, "I am angry with _________ because..." Then, you just fill up the paper with as many things as you can think of that make you angry with him or her. You can include the little things, like leaving his socks on the floor, and also the real issues like being unfaithful to your marriage vows. I also believe that this doesn't have to be done within a marriage relationship because it will work just as well to insert the name of a friend, relative, co-worker, etc. So- grab a pen and paper and just spill it. Get it all out, until you can't think of one other thing that's bothering you.

The next step is key. Read your list to God, and let Him see your hurt and bitterness. Then, ask Him to take these thoughts from you and replace them with healthy ones. Do NOT show this paper to any other human being. Especially not the person you are angry with. Remember that our goal here is to eventually find forgiveness, and throwing a person's mistakes in their face is not a step in the right direction. And do NOT keep it. Don't file this junk away in a box that you'll keep forever. Don't write it in your pretty prayer journal where you'll accidentally flip to it during bible study or church. Don't frame it and hang it on your wall as a reminder of all the reasons you have to cut this person out of your life forever.

Instead, treat it like the trash that it is. Tear it into tiny pieces and throw it in the garbage can. Or go to a safe place, light one corner of the paper on fire, and watch it burn with the heat from your wounded pride. You get the idea. Destroy these thoughts before they destroy you. If you need to make a new list every day until the day comes when you feel like you're past the anger, then do it. If we keep these thoughts in our heads, these feelings in our hearts, and these regrets in our souls, soon we have let ourselves be filled with trash. And then there's no room for treasure. Anger is like the root of a fruit bearing plant. Everything that grows up from that root, pretty or not, will leave a bitter taste in the mouth of anyone who samples it.

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:43-45
--The simple fact is that if we let our anger and resentment fester in our hearts, it will eventually come out in our words and actions. Others will see what is really happening inside us, no matter how hard we try to appear differently.

"You're familiar with the command to the ancients, 'Do not murder.' I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill." Matt. 5:21-22
--Getting things out of my head by writing it down and sharing it only with God prevents me from sinning later by spewing my hateful thoughts to other people or to the offender himself.

Day 16

2009-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight I'm just plain tired. I saw my counselor this morning and attended my weekly Divorce Care meeting tonight, so I've already done too much talking about myself and the progress God is making in me. So let's get down to business.

FIND HIS SHADOW
Multiple times throughout scripture, we are told that we can rest in the shadow of God's wings. He is our hiding place. He is our strong tower. This is easy to forget in times of turmoil and heartache. I find it interesting that the times when I am the most worn out from the trials of this life, and when I've grown the most weary in doing good also happen to be the times when I have such a hard time recalling these verses and claiming them for myself.

Taking a pill and going to bed doesn't provide the rest we need deep in our souls. Having a day at the spa filled with massages and beauty treatments can't renew our minds. Sitting down with a good book or favorite comfort food can't provide the true solace we so desperately seek. Only God can, so it's time to start allowing Him to do just that.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." Psalm 57:1

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-2

Day 15

2009-10-25T14:51:00.001-07:00

Today has been pretty painful. No big changes or anything that should have pushed me over the edge, I have just really felt everything today. Coming home after a fun, busy weekend to an afternoon at a baby shower for an old friend should have been an enjoyable Sunday afternoon. Instead, though overjoyed for my precious friend and her happiness, I was sinking inside. I watched her open the gifts and heard the ladies talk about the fun and anticipation of a new baby, and it made me remember that I once had all that. My adorable children couldn't possibly make me happier than they do today, but it is still evident that the life I thought I had with my family has come to an end. Coming home after the shower to see my house devoid of the last few things Husband came to claim, and looking at his house key and wedding band left on the kitchen counter wasn't fun either. It hurt. That pain is the source of today's lesson.

STOP PUTTING BAND-AIDS ON BULLET HOLES.
I've already told you that I'm a fighter, and another of my characteristics in troubled times is that I am a fixer. This means that when things are going all wrong and the world around me is chaos, I work overtime to find a solution and I commit to doing whatever it takes to reach that solution. In my current situation, this can be more of a weakness than a strength. The truth is that I am hemorrhaging right now, and for that there is no easy fix. I keep finding myself trying to cheer up by eating chocolate, laughing with friends or keeping my schedule filled with activities that distract me from the loneliness. There is nothing wrong with doing these things, but I'm going to have to admit these things only really have the potential to heal paper cuts and skinned knees. And I'm covered in bullet holes.

Though my precious family and friends have been well schooled in first aid for my heart, none of them know how to do the extensive surgery it would take to save me now. So, it is time to cry out to my maker and allow Him to put me back together. It may involve more cutting and prying at first, and it is guaranteed to require a long recovery. But, the truth of the matter is that it's my only choice. It's time to consent to the surgery and realize I'm powerless to stop my own bleeding. These verses help remind us how those in the bible allowed their all-knowing God to first hear their pain, and then to heal it. I plan to spend some time meditating on them tonight.

"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. " Psalm 72:12

"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea. Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord: "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death." Psalm 102:17-20

Day 14

2009-10-24T15:46:00.001-07:00

My post may be a bit shorter today, because I am relishing the opportunity to get out of town and visit friends who are more like family. It is extremely nice to get away from the madness of my situation, the house we used to live in as a family, and the mounting pressure I've been feeling to figure out how to live life on my own. Today's lesson came up as a result of a conversation we all had about the current state of my life and marriage.

SEE YOUR OWN SIN
I think that in times like these, even our best attempts to focus on forgiving others present us with the temptation to believe that we are almost completely without fault. It is easy for me to say that I was not the perfect wife, but that I truly believe I did the best I could to do what I knew to save my marriage. I'm not the one who went out and found someone else to ease my pain or give my attention to. I'm not the one who lied, and cheated and stole years of my spouse's life away by putting up a facade of peace.

But, I am also not a person who stays every day on the narrow path to holiness. I am also not a person who runs first and foremost to God each time I'm feeling overwhelmed or angry. I do make mistakes, and I do have my own "pet sins" in my life that are all the more tempting now that my marriage has failed.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Luke 6:41-4
--How easy it is to fall into the trap of hypocrisy when we are working on forgiving those who have hurt us. If we are not careful, we can become so wrapped up in trying to pray and help others out of their sinful patterns that we completely overlook our own shortcomings. It is a difficult but worthwhile task to begin each day by asking God to help you see the plank in your eye and remove it before moving on to helping others.

"Examine me, O LORD, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Your loving kindness is before my eyes, And I have walked in Your truth." Psalm 26:2-3
--We are trying to claim the truth of God's words about forgiveness and the rewards we receive for doing right. We then need to also take note of the truthful words God gives us pertaining to the condition of our hearts. He knows us, inside and out; and He examines our motives on a daily basis. Please, God, help me to see my own wrongs, ask your forgiveness, and turn from my wicked ways in order that I might please you more.

Day 13

2009-10-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

For all of you who have been praying for Husband to sign the papers with no complications, thank you! They were turned in today, complete and unchanged, and it feels as if a boulder of anxiety has been lifted off my back. Also, today marks the start of a weekend with good friends, and I can't wait to spend some quality time with them. Let me get to the lesson, which will take me all weekend, probably the remainder of the 40 days, and maybe the remainder of my life, to digest.

IT SHOULDN'T MATTER IF THEY'RE SORRY.
Yesterday carried, among other things, the first version of a meager apology from Husband. Knowing it was the day he had to sign us away legally probably really was hard on him. But, the words I got from him (via e-mail) still seemed shallow and insincere from my perspective. I want him to really feel the pain that he has caused so many people. I want him to take real responsibility for his actions, repent of his sins, and get his life right with God. I want him to miss me and love his children, and realize that he will never have such blessings again. I can want these things until I'm blue in the face, but I ultimately have no control over his feelings or actions. I can even pray that God would break his heart and show him the error of his ways, but God sees the big picture while I'm stuck here in the middle of the desert. It's not wrong to want these things to happen, but it is wrong to wait for them to.

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. " Mark 11:25
--Do you ever pray or ask God for anything? I do. But, before the Lord can forgive my sins and hear my requests, Jesus says I have to forgive everyone I have anything against. He doesn't say to only forgive those who have asked for forgiveness. The forgiveness we read about here isn't even for or about the person who has done wrong. It's about us, having a right relationship with God in order to receive His abundant blessings.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Col. 3:12-15
-- Aren't there some "crimes" against us that are simply too big to forgive? Doesn't a just God believe that when someone crosses the line to a certain extent, forgiveness need not be granted? Not according to Colossians. This tells us to forgive whatever grievances we have, but it also tells of the reward we receive from doing this. Christ has a peace that is beyond our understanding, and it can rule our hearts once we rid them of the toxic hate and judgement we've been hiding there.

"When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him." Luke 23:33-35
--The Bible refers multiple times to forgiving as the Lord forgave us. These verses show us how deep that forgiveness was. Had the people who hung Jesus on that cross said they were sorry? Had they asked for His forgiveness and admitted their wrongs? No. Jesus said that they had not yet even realized what they were really doing. They were sneering, and hurling insults at the Son of God as he hung there dying an excruciating death, and He was asking for their forgiveness. I'd say that's a pretty good picture of what is being asked of us, and just like Jesus, we will need the power and the heart of God inside of us to ever really get there.

Day 12

2009-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

TRUST WHAT YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU FEEL
Did you notice I skipped straight to the lesson today? It's been one of those days, so God has been whispering this in my ear since I rolled out of bed this morning. I am an emotional person. I'm passionate about the people and things I care about, and I often want to let my feelings guide me through my life. As I said a couple of days ago, I don't believe that God wants me to discount that entirely. He made me with these inclinations that can help me to find compassion for those who need it, but that doesn't mean I can afford to follow my feelings when they may sometimes lead me farther away from God's plan to protect and prosper me.

"Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him." Ecc. 8:5-6
--These verses remind me that the more I practice obedience to the Lord, the better my heart will know how to make the most difficult decisions. I can't let my doubt and fear get the best of me when I know I'm walking in the center of God's will.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
--When decisions need to be made, when life calls to be lived, when we face heat and drought and worry, confidence in God always sustains us. I want my life and my actions to bear fruit that points others toward Christ, and according to this verse, I just have to trust God even when I don't feel like it.

Day 11

2009-10-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Well, my day began with me feeling sick at my stomach about the fact that Husband had received the decree papers, and I couldn't help but worry how he would respond. And the day ended- well at least my work day ended- with sweet baby Son almost breaking his nose in a fall. Doctor said he cracked the cartilage, and it should heal without any major problems. However, in between the beginning and the end was today's lesson.

ASK FOR PRAYER
I have spent much of my life asking those I love to pray for me about things that seem quite trivial now. I realize that no prayer- or prayer request- is too small, but I also know that sometimes it's much harder to be open and raw enough to ask people to pray for the real stuff. You know, the deep down either, "God can not or will not answer this," or, "Christians aren't supposed to have this kind of problem" prayers. I am completely guilty of wanting to keep those things to myself, and justifying my desire by assuming I can pray about it enough alone.

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matt. 18:19-20
--Jesus explained the importance of praying WITH each other and FOR each other during His life on earth. Who am I to think that this advice should be taken lightly or should only apply to the prayers I'm not embarrassed to ask for? Isn't this just part of having a growing relationship with Christ? We must humble ourselves enough to know that our focus should be much less on independence and much more on God-dependence. Depending on God sometimes requires us to depend on His followers to help pray us through the most difficult trials in our lives.

"After they had prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. They were filled with the Holy Spirit, and they spoke God's word without fear." Acts 4:31
--God does powerful things when a group of people pray. I experienced this first-hand two years ago when Daughter was facing some disturbing health problems. One test after another came back inconclusive, specialists were baffled, and we were trying to prepare for the worst. We started begging people to pray for her precious little body, and I saw my two year old go from sick to healthy right before my eyes with no explanation. Well, we all knew the explanation must have been that God heard all those prayers. My children have since been healthy and safe, and I thank God every day for the work I know He did in that situation.
--Now, as I have finally been open about my marital struggles, my legal battles, and my utter inability to seek forgiveness alone, I can see God shaking things again. So far, the paperwork that Husband received yesterday is looking reasonable to him, so I ask you all to keep praying for his signature on those dotted lines. And, though this process has already been more challenging than I could have imagined, I know that God is changing my heart with the help of your prayers. So let's keep lifting each other up, and let's all strive to utilize the faithful prayer warriors we have in our lives by being honest with them.

Day 10

2009-10-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm getting started early today because Daughter is at preschool this morning. Just to update everyone, I spoke with the legal secretary this morning, and she said they hadn't yet called Husband to go get the papers. That will happen today, and if he gets them signed and returned quickly the divorce should be final by the end of this month. Wouldn't it be great if the day I walked in to court to finalize things, they offered to erase my memory before I left. That way, it would be like the marriage never happened, and the pain would be gone along with the memories. Since I don't personally know the character on Heroes who can take memories right out of people's head, or anyone who has one of those tools they used on the Men in Black movies, I guess I'll have to find another way to deal with the past. Today's lesson came by way of my dear friend right after Husband moved out of the house.

CHANGE THE CHANNEL
No, I'm not talking about watching different TV shows while working on forgiveness, though some of us may be called to do such things. One of the biggest hardships I've had since finding out about the affair is reigning in my thoughts when they start to go off course. I have gotten better at this, and I believe that time certainly helps with this dilemma. But, when I lay my head down on my pillow at night or try to have some relaxing quiet time during the day, the movie clips always start in my head. I will suddenly start remembering moments in my marriage where things were not as they seemed.

The other day, for example, I crawled into bed in a good mood after a fairly uneventful day. The minute I closed my eyes, my memory flashed to New Year's Eve of last year. Husband got a phone call around 11:00 pm saying he had to go deal with a problem at work, so he went and did that while I stayed at the party by myself. He obviously wasn't working, but instead ringing in the New Year and sharing a midnight kiss with her.

That was just one of the many pictures that come to mind when I don't even realize I'm thinking about him. I know that thinking about these things does nothing but get me wound up and angry, but it is truly difficult to stop the memories once they start flooding in. So, one thing I've committed to do for several weeks now, is to change the channel in my mind when these images jump out at me.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. " Phil. 4:8
--If we first memorize this verse, then we will be able to remember what we should be thinking about when life gets overwhelming. I try to immediately recall this verse when the movies begin in my head. Then, I concentrate on doing what it says. I think about what I know to be true about God's grace and the ways He's always provided for me in my life. I think about people in my life or in the Bible who I consider to have lived noble lives, and I challenge myself to develop some of their characteristics in myself. Once I get to "whatever is right," the Holy Spirit tends to remind me that forgiving others- no matter how hurtful their offense- is right. You get the picture. By the time I go through the things in this verse, my mind is almost always lifted back to a more peaceful place.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor.10:5
--I have to tell you honestly that I am really bad at this. Between my ADD and my overactive imagination, there are many thoughts that creep in to my mind before I even realize they exist. So, I ask God to help me. About 100 times a day, I find myself saying to God, "Take that thought captive, please Lord." I don't claim to have this under control, but I can tell you that I'm working on it. And every time that my true view of Jesus triumphs over my distorted view of past and pain, I know that God has been victorious.

Day 9

2009-10-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been long. Not bad in any way, just tiring and full. I will say that I have a specific request for those of you who are praying for me. Husband should have either received the settlement papers outlining our divorce decree late today, or he should be picking them up tomorrow morning. I would ask that you pray for the condition of his heart and mind as he reviews the documents. It is my hope that he will find my requests both reasonable and as fair as anything can be at this point, and that he will fully agree by signing the papers as they stand. I truly spent time seeking wise counsel and praying about what would be best for my children, and I believe that's what is written in the decree. Now, let me move on to today's lesson.

LET NOTHING AND NO ONE ROB YOU OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
I'm finding it exceedingly difficult not to allow the rejection I feel from Husband to color every other part of my being. I have never been a person who was overconfident, but I also didn't make a habit of second guessing myself. I was passionate about many things in life, such as understanding people and pointing them toward Jesus, as well as music, theater, a good dessert, and the written word to name a few. I was trusting, and I tried to see people for their potential and their best attributes as opposed to focusing on their shortcomings. Though I felt I had endured a fair amount of suffering, and that I was maturing spiritually, I realize now that I clung tightly to my childlike faith and hope for the future. I believed that love never fails, and that heroes- most likely without uniforms or "superpowers"- truly do walk among us and save the damsels in distress. And most of all, I believed in marriage and family as being a bedrock of the Christian faith and an example of Christ's love and relationship with His church.

Can you imagine me still believing any of these things at this point in my life? I have certainly questioned them, and I have even tried to change some of my "weaker" characteristics that may have contributed to my current debacle. However, when meeting with my counselor today, I came to a shocking revelation. I can't change who I am. God made me this way, and He intends to use this trusting, idealistic, passionate heart of mine to bring blessings to others.

My counselor stated at one point that I still love Husband. I opened my mouth to retort, "I do not!" But then I fell silent. I knew she was right. And it made me furious. Am I in love with him like I was when I believed we were happily married? Nope. Do I admire him the way I did once upon a time? Definitely not. Do I even wish that things would turn around and we would again have a future together? Not anymore. But, much as I'd like to think I shared this ability with him, I cannot flip a switch and turn off the love. Angry and hurt as I am, those are probably signs of the fact that I still care. And I wished this morning that I didn't. Being so loving and concerned about his welfare is what led me to live with a man who didn't love me and deny his unfaithfulness to myself for years. So these qualities do me no good, and I need to just allow myself to feel as damaged and jaded as I really am at this point, right?

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our heart at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. " 1 John 3:19-20
--Certainly, there are characteristics about me that are ungodly or need o be changed. And I should always be open to letting God refine me in the way He sees fit. But at moments like I had today, I have to look to God and remember that He made my heart this tender and this open in order that He might love through me. So I need to stop criticizing myself for the things that God loves and wishes to cultivate in me.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Psalm 103:2-5
--My God wants to pull my out of my pit of self-pity, crown me, satisfy me and renew me to do good works. He can't do any of these things if I don't acknowledge the fact that the very characteristics I get frustrated with in myself are benefits He gave me to make me holy. I pray that He will help my love and compassion for others to grow through this experience so that it will never go to waste.

Day 8

2009-10-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up right now. I can't really give any reason except that God's mercies are new every morning. That, and I started to get caught up on my sleep this weekend. Both of these things put together bring ample opportunity to be refreshed. I even saw Husband this morning when I picked up the kids, and I was able to look him in the eye for a few seconds. That means we're making progress! I say "we" because I would not be doing any of this without the amazing support system I have in each of you. Those of you who are praying, please stay on your knees. Those of you who are encouraging the rest of us with scripture through your comments, please stay immersed in the word. And those of you who have committed to taking this 40 day journey toward forgiveness in your own lives, please keep your mind open and your hearts prepared. I know God has great things in store for us. This brings me to today's lesson.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE
I think it's interesting how many times I've heard this saying as a way to motivate people to stay focused on the reward they have in store for them. Maybe NBA coaches make this the motto for their team to point them toward the championship trophy, title, paychecks, etc. Maybe
the American Idol contestants waltz on to that stage week after week thinking about the record deal they've been wanting since childhood. I can say from experience that a woman who is exhausted and stretched to her physical and emotional limits will keep pushing through the pain in order to see the sweet angel face of her child for the first time. Knowing what we're working toward makes all the difference in the moments when the process seems impossible.

So- what am I striving for with this forgiveness project? Though I feel sure that there will be many positive results in my life after I complete this process, my main goal is simple. Freedom. A friend of mine shared this quote with me today, and it inspired my bible study and prayer this afternoon.

“Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you”- Jean Paul Sartre
-Did that hit you right in the face like it did to me? I feel like we sometimes mistake the idea of freedom as meaning that our lives should be free of trials, free of stress, or free of pain. Someday, when we get to our real home and meet our Lord face to face, freedom will mean all those things, and more. But as long as we live on this earth, that is not the definition of the word. Does this mean we are bound to the hurt we experience forever, and that the sins we sometimes commit in response to that hurt is unavoidable. NO. Let me show you what the Bible has to say about the freedom that is available to every believer.

I love Isaiah 1:1-4. Read it to yourself before going on. In part of vs. 1, Isaiah says,
"He has sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released."
--These verses illustrate the prize that we will gain as we follow God's instruction. He can heal us. He can free us, and He will.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
-- I must have heard this verse 100 times before. Does that first line make is sound like Paul may have been employed by the Department of Redundancy Department? I always thought so. Of course Christ set us free so we could have freedom. Isn't that obvious? It's only in reading the rest of the verse that it begins to make sense to me.
-- Jesus allowed Himself to suffer a tortuous death on the cross in order that we may be free from the price of our sins. Because that price, as outlined in scripture, is death. And an eternity in hell. How sad is it when He sees us accept that gift of eternal freedom from the consequence of our sins, just to watch us turn around and chain ourselves to things like regret, and anger, and hopelessness here on earth. Part of the freedom Jesus offers us is that of abundant life on earth, and that life cannot be lived by slaves. We serve a mighty God, and the more we seek to follow His will, the more freedom we gain. So the next time I face a difficult memory, or a possible panic attack, I plan to refocus on my prize of freedom. Today I am one step closer.

Day 7

2009-10-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last night and today have brought my attention to reality. The truth is that this doesn't get easier from one day to the next. The truth is that the dream I always had for my family simply is not going to come true. My children will come through this, as children of divorce always do, but it is unreasonable for me to think that they won't be wounded by it.

When you are a mother, your primary priority is protecting your children. I hate feeling like I failed them, and I keep wondering how I could have spared them this pain and confusion. Of course I know in my heart that I did the best I could, and I know my choices are not what got us here. But that still doesn't make it more bearable. Today's lesson may not be profound, but it's one more way we can train ourselves and prepare our hearts to forgive.

WATCH YOUR WORDS
I have come to realize that every time Husband comes up in conversation, my first instinct is to vent about the many things that frustrate me. At the very least, I find it hard to resist making a sarcastic jab about his character or his choices. I always think this will make me feel better, and actually it usually does. For a moment. But then I realize that the more I say these things out loud, the more difficult it is to stop thinking about them. I can't allow my days to be wasted spewing criticisms and complaints.

"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:26
--Correct me if I'm wrong, here, but it seems like this verse states that even if we try to follow God in all other areas of our lives, it will mean nothing if we continue to let our words get away from us. I don't believe that it means we can never express our hurt or concern to another, but I feel strongly that I need to work on expressing mine more to God and less to the general public.

"The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked." Proverbs 10:11
--The entire tenth Proverb really spoke to me today, so I encourage you to read it if you have time. My prayer is that the words coming from my mouth will better resemble a life-giving fountain as opposed to a soul-crushing tidal wave.

Day 6

2009-10-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Lots of ups and downs already today, but I've spent time in prayer and in God's word. After thanking each of you for your continued prayers, I ask you to really keep lifting up sweet Daughter, as she is showing signs of struggle at this point. Now, I feel like I should get to the point for today. What's the next step on this journey of forgiveness, Lord?

FALL IN LOVE
You read it right. Don't think that's a typo. I really think this will help us. Did God tell me to sign my divorce papers, go to the nearest singles joint, and find a man who really loves me? Is the best way to grieve a failed marriage and forgive Husband for not loving me like Christ loves the church to find a good rebound? No. I have not gone completely off the deep end, so stay with me.

"Those who know my commands and obey them are the ones who love me, and my Father will love those who love me. I will love them and will show myself to them." John 14:21
-Have you ever seen one of those couples that is sickeningly affectionate in public? Borderline inappropriate maybe? He has his arm around her waist, her hand is tucked into his back pocket, and they are walking in a crooked line because they can't take their eyes off each other to pay attention to where they are going? Is that what love looks like? Gee, I hope not, but that's not the point. The point is that two things are happening in their relationship.

#1- They are enthralled, infatuated with each other. Remember where their eyes were looking? Gazing at the other person. Admiring their beauty, and giving knowing looks back and forth as if having an entire conversation without saying a word.

#2- They are, probably unintentionally, showing the world who they belong to. No need for them to shout at the top of their lungs, "I am crazy about her." Or, "I'd do anything for him." No need for the "I love my wife" t-shirt there. Just their actions and the ways they relate to each other allow passersby to understand that they are together. And that little else matters to them at that moment.

No, I'm not telling you that I'm hoping to find someone who loves me that way. And- heaven forbid that picture ever describe my teenage daughter walking through the mall with her boyfriend! I already have someone who loves me unconditionally, and so does she. And the best way to show that I love my Jesus in return is stated in the verse above. Learn His commands and obey them. Then we receive more love from the Father, and we have a clearer picture of Jesus.

I'm sure those of you who have ever been married for more than a year have heard, and probably repeated to yourself, that love is not a feeling, it's a choice. I agree with that whole heartedly. But- I'm here to tell you that in my relationship with God, when I make the choice to love Him by knowing Him and obeying Him, the feeling eventually follows. That's because it is impossible to have Jesus "show himself" to you without ending up weak-in-the-knees amazed with who He is.

"I have obeyed my Father's commands, and I remain in His love. In the same way, if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love. I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy." John 15:8
-- Here's hoping your weekend is filled with that joy!

Day 5

2009-10-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

Something about making it to day 5 without being struck by lightning or falling into a deep depression is encouraging. I realize that there are still 35 days to go in this project, and that it's likely to take my entire lifetime to truly understand forgiveness in the biblical sense. Still- today was fairly restful, for both body and soul, and for that I am extremely thankful. Today's lesson is, like many are, easy to say but a pain to live on a day-to-day basis.

DON'T GET STUCK.
It's hard to explain it better than u2 sings it, so pull out your zippos while I remind you of the song. "You've got to get yourself together. You got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. Now you're stuck in a moment..."

At times like the one I'm facing right now, you really have to take things not only day by day, but often hour by hour. I'm sure most of you know that when you're in the grieving process, hearing, seeing or smelling even one tiny thing that reminds you of the life or the person that you lost can tear into your heart before you even notice it's happening.

One of my breakdown moments came today as I made an appointment to go turn in more paperwork to the lawyer's office tomorrow. It's not like I should be surprised at this point that we are drawing nearer to the end of the legal process, but something about looking at the rules for the rest of your life laid out on paper just overwhelms me every time. And I start to look back. I start to wonder how we got here. I start to try to figure out where it all went wrong, or if it was ever really right. And I get stuck. I could live in this loop of never ending questions and possible regrets forever.

But- goodness knows that if there is a moment in my life I want to dwell on for any length of time, it's not that one. It would be much easier to allow myself to get sucked into the black hole of loneliness and uncertainty, though; and I was running low on energy to fight the pull. So I prayed. And God answered. As He always does. Here's what He showed me:

(If you have your bible handy, read Lk. 10:38-42 before you continue.)
"Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Only one thing is important. Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her."
Luke 10:41-42
--Maybe you're wondering what this story has to do with the first part of my post, but God used it today to so clearly illustrate to me our tendency to get stuck expending all our time and energy on things that we have little or no control over, and ultimately aren't that important. The thing that Mary chose to do in the story was to drop everything else and sit at Jesus's feet just to listen and spend time with Him. Jesus said that time, that moment in His presence, would NEVER be taken away from her. So, when I'm sinking in a sea of "what-if's," I need to stop everything else and just get at the feet of my master. That, if you ask me, is the kind of moment worth hanging on to forever.

"When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble, and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others." Phil. 2:3-4
--Every time that I allow myself to focus on the way my pride has been hurt, or how unfair this life is, I miss the opportunity to work on forgiving those who have wronged me. I am not the only one in the picture here. Each of my selfish moments can easily lead me to the false belief that I am somehow superior or more deserving than those who have caused this hurt, when the truth is that they are as much in need of God's grace as I am.

Day 4

2009-10-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today was, for the most part, pretty manageable. I was reminded a couple of times, though, that I don't want to forgive Husband. I don't feel like he cares whether I do or not. I don't believe that he's sorry for his actions. It's easy to tell myself that I have every right to be angry for the way I've been treated. I feel like I was the best wife I knew how to be, and though I wasn't faultless, I did nothing to deserve this outcome. It's infuriating when I really think about it. This brings me to today's lesson.

DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD.
So often as a Christian I get caught up in the "not doing wrong must mean I'm doing right" mindset. You know what I mean. There are many people out there who believe that if they're not lying, cheating, stealing, getting drunk, doing drugs, or being promiscuous, they are keeping their lives free of sin. That is, according to scriptural principles, a load of crap.

"So then, if you know the good you ought to do and do not do it, you sin." James 4:17
-When I read something in the bible and choose not to do it, or choose to put it off after I know what I should be doing, that's as much a sin as the aforementioned bad behavior.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Col. 3:13
-Notice it doesn't say, "You might think about forgiving if, or when..." It seems like a pretty clear command to me, and now that I've read it, every time I choose not to do it, I sin.

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. " 1 John 3:10
-Ouch! Wish I hadn't read this one, but I think it speaks for itself.

I need to forgive him, no matter how hurt I am. I need to, but don't want to. I need to, but I'm not sure how to. So, I am asking God to teach me. He will not give us a command and then refuse to help us follow through. If you are one of those out there praying for me, please ask God to show me what this true forgiveness looks like and show me how to start doing it in my own heart.

Day 3

2009-10-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well, the past hour has been pretty rough on me. I am coming now to the throne room of God, and I plan to spend some time reading His word and praying on my face before the Jesus who saved me. He saved me once from my sins and from an eternity in hell, but I still need Him to save me from myself, from the fear, from the anger and from the pain of life on this earth daily.

So God's wisdom for me today:
KNOW WHERE YOU COMFORT LIES.
Daughter came to me before bed tonight suddenly hit by the realization that her daddy isn't coming home. "I want him to live here with us again," she cried. "I want to watch TV together on the mornings when he doesn't have work and I don't have school. And on Mother's Day, I want to get up early and make breakfast for you with daddy."

I probably don't have to tell you that the weight of her high pitched words stabbed my soul like shards of broken glass. Each piece of that glass seeks to embed itself into my heart so deeply that I will feel it every moment, yet never be able to extract it all. So do I let it, or do I fight back?

If you knew me, you'd know that I'm always up for a good fight. No way on earth do I want the words of my wounded four year old to cut me so deeply that I lose the ability to be the mother that she needs and deserves. I've seen God's goodness and grace, and I know we're swimming in it right now, but she's not experienced in that area yet. If I don't take this opportunity to show her, who will?

So we talked for awhile about how it's okay to be sad and to miss daddy when with mommy and to miss mommy when with daddy. And we read a bedtime story that was all about faith and listening to your "heart voice" when it tells you God is with you. I reassured her again that her mommy and her daddy would always love her completely, and that God will go with her wherever she goes. He will take care of us, because He loves us and knows what's best. This somehow led into us singing together, feet snug in her sheets, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." What a sweet moment. Then we prayed, and we hugged and kissed a little more than most nights, and she went to sleep feeling secure and loved.

And I, honestly, still left her room feeling angry with Husband for putting us all through this. I felt the despair start to creep in as I began to worry about all the future implications of this divorce on my precious children. And I was worn out from the fight. I was almost overwhelmed again with the tasks before me of raising my kids and keeping it together and fighting the loneliness all by myself.

But then I remembered that I'm not doing this by myself, and I'll never have to. The faith I had just explained to my little girl could so easily slip through my fingers as I focus on self-reliance and being strong. There is no need for this, because I have an endless supply of comfort waiting for me in the arms of my Father.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us." 2 Cor. 1:3-4

Day 2

2009-10-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, Monday, was only day 2 of this project, and already I got so busy that I didn't have the chance to post. I'm really sorry to anyone who is trying to work on this with me, and I will try not to miss another day. I guess I'll just have to ask you to forgive me. :)

The truth about day 2 is that is was a pretty great day. It seems to me that on those days, where everything falls into place, and we get caught up in fun and excitement, forgiveness isn't nearly as hard. Part of it is that we may be preoccupied enough that we don't even think about the person who hurt us very much. My counselor says that though this may be an avoidance strategy, it can also serve as a healthy coping skill from time to time.

No matter what is going on in our lives at any given time, taking a day away from stress to just enjoy life can be really refreshing. So this is our lesson for day 2:

SOAK IT UP.
Despite any horrific circumstances that may be surrounding us, God still provides us with beautiful blessings, and moments when we remember how it feels to be whole and joyful.

Sometimes my blessings come from watching my sweet babies play together and seeing the way Daughter is so eager to teach and take care of Son. Sometimes they come in the form of a little free time to enjoy my hobbies, a good night's sleep, or a friend that is there for me at just the right moment. But always they help me turn my eyes toward the Father who provides these good and perfect gifts, and I plan to remember from now on to relish each of these moments.

Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking that you can't be thankful, or that God isn't praiseworthy, even in your darkest days.

"Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today." Luke 5:26

"Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts." 1 Chron. 16:9

Day 1

2009-10-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of this project, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work that I will have to do (and let God do in me) to complete it. I'm wishing I hadn't made it public knowledge that I'm doing this so that there wouldn't be anyone around to hold me accountable. I'm already expecting to crash and burn in the forgiveness cycle, and I'm imagining how humiliating and frustrating that will be.

The truth is that my anger and resentment can easily become an addiction. So- like any other addict trying to recover, I'm going to have to take this one day at a time. Today's task may sound easy, but it is one I've had to return to time and time again throughout my life.

BELIEVE GOD. For our Day 1 assignment, we will focus on the fact that God is real, and that when we seek after Him, He will always come to our rescue. Every time. Maybe it won't look to the outside world like we're being rescued, but in our hearts we can know that truth. I am seeking God in this journey of forgiveness, and His word commands me to be forgiving; so I can be sure that He will teach me what I need to do from one day to the next. Today's verse is one of my favorites, and it is a great help to keep it fresh on my mind as I begin this road to healing.

"And without faith it is impossible to please God. Anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and they He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

If you start by reading Hebrews 11 in it's entirety, you will see some amazing examples of people in the Bible who had great faith in their great God. He was able to use them to do amazing things, and they were allowed to be a part as God changed the world time and time again. I so desperately want to be part of something like that. I want to be used by the God of the universe to transform lives and point people toward Christ. BUT, I know full well that God can't use me while I'm still holding on to the wrong that has been done to me or the injustice plaguing my world. It takes genuine faith, and a lot of it, to sit in the center of God's plan for humanity. I hope that today, I am one step closer to doing exactly that.

About the Project

2009-10-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am currently going through the roughest period of my life. This year, as I prepare for my 30th birthday, I am also preparing to face the world in an entirely different way than I had planned. My husband of 7 years moved out of our house 9 weeks ago, and we are quickly approaching the 60 day mark required to finalize our divorce legally.

This project is not meant to hurt anyone or damage any reputations, so all names will remain anonymous. I do, however, feel that it is important for you to know my story in order to understand the events that led me to begin this project.

Husband and I met in college, dated for a couple of years, and then entered into the covenant of Christian marriage before the Lord, our families, and many friends. Both of us had accepted Christ many years prior to meeting each other, and we both believed that following His will and bringing Him glory was the most important thing in life.

Somewhere throughout our 7 years of marriage and raising of two children, Satan got a tight grip on Husband's heart. I watched, waited, and prayed as his heart was hardened and his sin addiction took over his entire life. I found out the day he left that he has been in another relationship for over two years now, and he chooses her to spend his life with instead of his family.

This has, as you can imagine, wounded me more deeply than words can express. The pain is sometimes overwhelming, and it is easy to let myself drown in the sorrow of it all. However, Daughter is four years old and Son is quickly approaching his second birthday, and they need a functioning, loving, encouraging mother to bring them through these changes. More than that, they need- we all need- to learn to depend fully on the loving God who created us, knows us, and loves us better than any human ever could. So, my prayer has been for God to help me do just that.

It is hard. There are days when I want to throw in the towel and stop trying to move through the stages of grief. And it may get harder. And I may grow more weary. And I may fail. But, the one thing I know is that at the end of every day- whether marked by failure or success- God is still here for me. He is loving and forgiving, and He knows my limitations though He has none.

One thing I know that I am called to do as a Christian is to forgive others. I have to honestly tell you now that this has never been my strength in life. I am not usually one to hold a grudge, but if you hurt me badly enough, I want to hold on to that hurt and take it with me to the grave. I know that this situation and this person have hurt me more than I could have dreamed possible, but I also know that holding on to this much pain will poison me. The anger I have every right to feel now will soon begin to turn to bitterness. The judgement I wish to place on the guilty parties will eventually lead to my own judgement before a righteous God. And I will have lived a life that produced nothing of value, and my purpose and love for everyone else will soon be choked out by the bitter spirit that will rot me from the inside out.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like the most miserable future I can imagine. I will do anything I can to stop that from happening. And the most I can do right now is to cry out to God, rely on His strength, and ask Him to teach me how to forgive. I also know I need the help of my brothers and sisters in Christ as I face this perilous journey through the pain.

If you would like to commit to praying for me, please check here for daily updates and prayer requests. If you have been led through a shadowy valley that required you to forgive someone who hurt you, please share any insight or encouragement that you gained from your experience. OR- maybe you, too have someone in your life who needs forgiving. It doesn't matter whether it is a wayward spouse, a neglectful or abusive parent, a betraying friend or co-worker, or a child who disappointed you. Maybe it's God you're mad at, or maybe you're just angry with yourself. The topic here is forgiveness, and whatever your story, please join me if you feel called to try it in your own life. I'm beginning a 40 day journey and commitment to seek God's face and learn to forgive so that I may have life to the full.

Each day I will share a little bit here about my struggles and what God has taught me. I will also include the verses I study that day that relate to the process of forgiving. Many of these verses, as well as my prayers will come from the book entitled Praying God's Word, by Beth Moore. I am also doing a study of the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan right now in a small group, so I'm sure some of those thoughts will jump in here too. Tomorrow, October 11, 2009, will be day one, and I hope you will come along!